pictures to uplift my spirits.
decided to post some pictures. may make me feel slightly better. gonna meet the rest later to eat..! haha recently my appetite has been wavering. its either i eat alotalot or i eat oh-so-little. yesterday i couldnt finish anything i ordered. thats scary u know. haha but sometimes i can eat for eternity and still feel hungry. something wrong.

the gospel choir after service:)
gaius, me, michelle and esther. i like this shot. bring on the holy voices! :p

me and brother daniel. cheekiness only sia.
haha he looks nice! i look cheesy and cheeky. like wth am i doing.....???

me and michelle. seriously. haha
ahhh a picture with the ever-so-serious-abt-to-laugh michelle! heh. nice nice! small eyes! :p

me and winston below the disabled toilet sign.
whats with the signs? haha last time it was the danger sign.............. :p hmmmmmmmm.

me and sarah[mok.]
haha one of the million photos we have. haha anyway i like.

daniel...........unglam! and jimmy pfffft?
hahaha i like this photo. so unglam....! paying dan back in his own coin............. haha and jimmy!! :o

june, jimmy and dan.
heh they look so happy and cheesy! yup. but a nice photo!

dila the icy bitch. haha
hey....thats her name! haha she looks friendly here tho. *icy cold stare*

wahahaha unglam unglam!!
this takes home the unglam award of the month! :p

originally wanted to post a photo that dan sent to me of gen and me larh. but it is SO unglam that i risk being slaughtered by gen so no can do. hahaha anyway some other photos

happy bitches haha me and dila.
sniffles and moomoo.
me and winston again.

oh so tired.
u know what. im really sick and tired of all the bullshite thats been going around. im so so so damn bloody tired of it. its like a wave of charging emotions that suddenly overwhelms u so greatly that u feel nothing but weariness. im tired of dealing with people who shove their stinky attitudes into my face, or people who chalk up their own stories so as to plead for undying attention. its a damn waste of time and its so bloody tiring. mind me.

u know what gen? u said that in general im quite a trusting person which isnt entirely bad? well. i guess yr rite. i think im too trusting, too naive and too ridiculously set apart to be able to tell a truth from a lie. screw it. damn tired. originally had a really good morning and afternoon, but the night just spoiled my whole day. gonna post photos.

ahh crap. even angelfire doesnt wanna cooperate. no photos for now. just damn tired of it all. argh

moments worth similing for. [[part two]]
fantastic day with fantastic people. had an unbelievable amount of fun! havent had so much fun since erm, fun-o-rama last year? and even that pales in comparison to what happened tonight at the carnival. sure, getting pie-ed a million times was no fun, but it really takes my heart away when i see the kids so eager to get a pie into someone's face. theres an intense amount of determination and impatience that rides their little minds as they eagerly stepped forward with plates of gooey muck and with careful aiming they throw the muck into -- our faces. haha

there were many stopshot moments of exhilerating performances by pastor ian, ailing, sue-anne and amanda, who all so, reluctantly particpated, yet left with not only goo on their faces, but left us, with a considerable amount of money. :) then there were the crazy moments where gen and i were looking around the flea market for useful stuff like her ceramic dog and erm bear-in-a-chair ornaments! how nice! haha thanks gen for the lovely flowery-pink-with-weird patterns shirt, and oh... weelock! hope u liked the lovely ringed-present from me and gen! haha. it was hilarious just searching for stuff and hearing weelock go "waddddd, it suits me SOOO welll" haha

really tired now, spent about half an hour dis-entangling my hair and another half hour scrubbing myself clean from head to toe. it was really a big mess and we spent many labouring minutes cleaning up after the carnival ended. oh and sorry stella! haha took pictures with her but i was sucha mess, shall post photos later, and it was horrible, felt so bad for looking so shite, but she was really nice, helping to clean up after that! heh, proving that she aint a pop diva! :) haha. and i smacked stevens butt. ok but thats out of point. haha. took lotsa photos, shall take more tomorrow! with my gospel choir! :)

here they are. the sjsm carnival photos! heh enjoy.

amen to a faithful God!

moments worth smiling for. [[part one]].
was just reading sarah's blog about how her teacher's leaving this weekend and xy's blog about ednatan who left last year. in rgs right, there was this teacher who i was close to who also left. she left when i was in sec four and hardly anyone knew of our 'friendship'. she didnt teach me, i actually met her during a chanced meeting, er she booked me larh. haha anyway got to know her better after that and she became a good friend of mine who helped me with my lit and with my english. and she was the 'adult friend' i could go to for advice about erm adult-related problems, say family stuff? yeah, and when she left, i felt as though a big part of me had gone along with her. i mean she's happy wherever she is now, and im glad for her. even tho i miss her a hell lot sometimes, her leaving has made me a stronger person, and i dont depend so much on friends in general now. because she taught me that 'life is like that lorh.' haha. may mean nothing to u, but to me it holds a memory of a very special conversation i had with her. now that she's gone and communication has been cut short by quite a bit, with the exceptional mails and sms-es, i still hold her dear in my heart as a friend that will always, always remain a person who has made a difference in my life.

anyway to that teacher :: reading about people leaving has reminded me of you. and even though i talk to u lesser and lesser each day, i know that you still keep me in yr heart, and you are in mine too! thanks for the encouragement, to believe in myself! and of cos, to be strong!

you know i love you always! :)

the gospel choir from hell!
haha. really u know. me, mich, tracy, gaius and esther formed the gospel choir from hell! it was really damn funny during ringo's worship prac. u have all gotta come for service on sunday, really can laugh until stomach cramp ah. we were spending half the time chereographing actions for each other then actually singing itself. haw haw. anyway worship prac today was different. am singing instead of usually playing guitar, makes it all the more fun! really had such a fun time just laughing and smiling away as mich struggled to say the closing prayer! serious michelle leh! heh. had a pretty okay time before that too, had the stuffing sakae buffet with sash, her going away treat from me! we stuffed ourselves silly till we were so so full, and too tired to walk. and we kept taking random photos! even one b+g photo, which only she and i will understand....... haha.

went for supper with my bro + vinz + klem + ian + locke[aka. my ah beng :p] + kairen. went to hollandvee*breko. nice nice. yeah i actually had space for more food! haha. but i let klem finish my food larh. oooh tasted heineken beer for the first time! yucks. haha napkin man says its an acquired taste! but it was rather hilarious talking to them and listening to their many army stories[err i was the only girl...] haha but hey i was from ncc! so ermmmm could understand a bit? haha. anyway feeling contented now, maybe its all the food. having supper with these guys made me feel more of my age for the first time in a long while. know it sounds strange, but yepp just felt comfortable today. will take more photos of the carnival tmrw and on sunday.. the gospel choir! :)

napkin man :: why are u called that? *puzzled look* haha. hilarious.

Argh. how many times must i remind u that the world doesnt revolve around you?

i'm sorry i can't be perfect. no mood to blog at all. wtf.

Coz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said
And nothing’s gonna make this right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand

*friends never say goodbye.

how can i stand strong when my walls are crumbling beneath me?

nothing eventful today. went to church to meet ailing. had lunch with her and june.

ate alot today, including sushi buffet with my darling. den we came back home and watched hollandvee. so sweet. and played pool and piano. quite tired. ooh by the way, ailing makes me smile, so does gen, sarah, winston and zach! and of cos my kids like sk and josco, rachel and chloe. alot of people i love make me smile. and yesterday eve made me smile! :) they all make me smile! thank you.

i have alot of things to smile about :)

sk :: hello hello see ive mentioned you. now be happy! anyway thanks for being sucha good friend to me! thanks for the calls and for the stuff uve done for me. thanks alot! we'll go for our spicy retreats soon yeah?? take care buddy! :)

you make me smile
clockwork's hand has stopped its game
moving on like a mechanic mind
anticipating my emptiness
you come right up to me
and you make me smile

love rushes by like a steaming train
but there u are, once again
seeing my hesitation
you walk up to me
and you make me smile

laughing at my brokenness
once more they break me down
but you stay right where you are
hold my hand
and you make me smile

oh how could i be more then grateful
for you make me smile.

i seldom get irritated or truly angry with my friends.

but i tell u sth that really gets to me. it really really pisses me off when people waste my time. and its all the more infuriating when they are actually one of the few who supposedly understands my lack of time. its like, they dont bother at all, they dont care and they think the world revolves around themselves only. well, whatever.

ive had it with you. dont say i never tried.

i cry because im hurting.

ate really little today. kfcspopcorn chicken + 1/2 of my cheese fries + prata. for the whole day!! and of cos lotsa ice lemon tea! yummeh. very rare for a big eater like me.

anyway had a rather interesting day. more like emotional highs and lows then culminate to this big mess of erm.. mess. im not coherent again. really tired now. did no studying at all today cept for some gp reading list. and my history is.. history! haha. im in an ironic state of happiness now. was explaining to jw the difference between happiness and joy.

well, i had a sudden yet painful realisation today that i didnt understand my friends as well as i thought i did. and all this while i was feeling like everyones twin i was actually a mere fool. saddening. maybe i took certain comments too personally, but i guess i will just have to see what i can do. i was tearing on the bus on the way to church -- yeah i went. i didnt plan to go cos i was so tired, sick and unhappy. but somehow God kept reminding me about how small i am in comparison to Him and sth abt unity in prayer. so i went down.

it was good, no doubt. i played for worship and the song 'unto You' really hit me hard. it was so personal, so real and so close to me that it felt as tho i was meant to hear that song at that point of time. i reached church early and was waiting for clement to come to prepare worship and i was just so down. i was staring at an empty computer screen, and decided to check my mail. eve sent me a mail.. really was warmed by what she said.. thanks eve! :) anyway the meeting went well, had a hilarious time of prayer with june and lydia. somehow sth at the back of my head kept telling me that i was lost once again, time to re-focus.

went to meet jw at hollandvee*starbucks later after and we had a really good chat. talked about evolution, homesexuality and many other topics that were begging for answers from us both. it was an interesting conversation, exchanged bits of advice. was really encouraged by some stuff he said. thanks jw. im quite okay now. just a tad bit emotional cos i met pepper after that and we just sat around listening to sad music while i waited for korkor to pick me up.

just read something that jw posted for me. thanks!! no problem pal, it was good talking to u too, and yes we'll meet up again soon!!anyway here's that song -- unto You.

[[unto You]] i live for You. all of my days belong to You. You draw me to Your tenderness, You make me new. in the secret place i will run, where my heart can be free! in the grace that i've found. // unto You, be all glory and praise; how my heart seeks Your place as i'm waiting on You. only You are my strength and my Tower. fill my life with Your power. as i stand here in awe of You.

i stand here in awe of You. amen again to a faithful God!

"for we have been justified, justified through faith...heavens roar, angels sing, Your people rejoicing!! we will wait on You Lord, we will wait on You"

i hate to admit this, but i seriously need anger management therapy. and i have to constantly remind the people around me whom i love and care that they should run to the furthest corner of the earth when im angry. because it will rub off on them. so i was really angry just now. really seething sorta anger. and i practically rearranged my whole room because i was storming through it and throwing my things all over.

get this. i broke two photo frames, turned over my bookshelf and tore many important papers. i was seriously mad u know. of cos the consequences are for me and me alone to bear. i have a great mess to clear up now. i shouted at my family members and i swore alot, and i felt really bad after i had calmed down and i was asking myself this -- "i keep telling God i'm sorry and that i'll never do it again... or at least try not to, yet i keep breaking my promise and yet i keep turning my back on Him" and i felt really really guilty and sinful. i swore, i was angry, i was so.. screwed. but at this point of time, this song played in my head repeatedly. the first few lines in the justified chorus. and after that, i just felt cleansed and free.

amen to a faithful God!

ok, i should be used to it. two exams per day during exam period. hmmm.

sounds good!! nothing much to blog about, feeling quite off now, not unhappy kind of off. just disorientated. and its beginning to get really hard to actually see the whole picture. hmmm. okay, maybe i shall be off with some supper, or maybe i should live up to my nick as sleepy and -- sleep.

this is very, very bad!

i just realised that i missed my SATs in maY!!!!! and i have to do it again soon.......................

someone remind me kay!! october11, october11 october11!!! stressssss!!

rain rain go away! come again another day!
on any other ordinary rainy day, you would most probably hear me singing this because i really really cannot study when its raining. dont ask me why. it just makes studying all the more frustrating. but today. im just so happy it rained! i woke up with a sunshiney smile [which i know greatly contradicts the weather......] and i plonked myself on my chair, wrote out a study plan for today and proceeded to do some work with the company of soothing jazz music! whoa!! rain pitter-pattering on the outside, a random mix of classical jazz, a warm cuppa tea and work just made such a weird yet wonderful experience!

heh. simple things make me happy u know.

did a simple wordsearch puzzle after that and read finish 'the magicians nephew'. its really nice. christian allegory. hmmm. am feeling really fuzzy and happy now. rain rain please stay! come again yes! on another day too! :)

yooo xy! haha click this!!!

looks familiar? ;)

making the right choices
today church was a different experience altogether. i was doing ushering, for the first time ever, and it felt different to actually be ushering people in instead of being ushered in. i guess its a ministry that requires a humble heart and of course a servant heart. i found it un-natural, maybe its because its my first time. but it was altogether a nice experience.

today ailing was speaking. i was just listening to the sermon and if i could, i would be snapping my fingers at every point she said that related to me. which would be alot of times, for sure. making the right choices. i didnt go for the leaders retreat altho i had the time and the energy. i went out and then home. guess all the while God was reminding me softly that i needed to refocus and to set my priorities right once and for all. i was struggling with the decision to stand up and i was really quite stoned out by the people around me and i just sat very still and quiet [ for once! ] haha. den i wanted to ask gen to pray for me, but i just didnt, i dont know why. maybe i felt opressed. i dont know. i was just telling her abt how off i felt the night before and how i felt so much emptiness despite being successful at the concert earlier that night. it was just so unexpected. it was a high that dipped so low i felt so.. empty.

anyway i called my friend and she messaged me sth very encouraging afterwards! thanks! :)

today was just very different, i really havent the words to correctly articulate myself.

ive been looking, and searching. ive looked everywhere.

but. i can't seem to find you

you promised to always be there. hmmm, ill check that again.

anyway, i was just reading xy's blog about life and it being tiring. and how even thinking about life seems tiring. u know the song 'where is the love' really makes a hell lot of sense? there are so many people dying, so many people suffering i should really just shut up and stop whining. raging wars are ongoing and the number of innocent lives being lost frustratingly increases. young children who havnt a clue as to what the world really is die without tasting the tangible things life has to offer. life is screwed up, yes for sure thats true. but it just makes it all the more painful to know that there are young people out there without food, without parents and without alot of things we privileged have. and the fact that we're spending most of it whining about 'how fat we are' and 'how funky i'll look in this..or that' makes it all the more glacial.

wake up world. cant we see whats going on?

or do we see whats going on and turn away without batting an eyelid?

wooooot* performance went superduberply well!
okay so we were a little irritated[ok make that damn irritated], when they kept shifting us and changing our schedules. like wtf larh its like man we were waiting around for so long and stuff, but we had a good chat[the band] during dinner. and then it was our turn to perform. i was so nervous man. there was this fire in me that wanted me to play and sing well yet this little inkling fear that told me to just walk off or something. but we stayed on and sang our four songs. we really worked up the crowd and we got alota cheers! yay! and then we ended off our performance with cant take my eyes of you. nice song! really gets evryone going! anyway then adrea and the boys kept saying 'go beks! and go andrea!' haha it was so funny.

anyway then after the performance ended, i went for dinner/supper with the boys! yummm! thai express! what only. didnt really eat much cos gotta conserve our voices before that so dinner was a real nice reward. yepp ate alot then they followed me home! we played pool and just sat around. wah am so tired now! my eyes are like red and half-open. so quite nice only. haha. actually we were dam lucky to get main stage at plaza sing, instead of the small place at far east! so yup!! wahhhhhhhhh sleeeeeeeeepy!

im so touched i could cry! by all you said and yr effort. seriously, thanks!

am not in the best of moods now. just got some news about sth, so not in the most stable condition now. but will hold strong. i gotta yeah? if not, the support around me will crumble too. shite, i just have to figure out how to feel better now. hmmm.

star therapy maybe?

oh and the performance thingy tmr? it was actually so hyped up, yet somehow now evryones so busy. ah wtf larh dont give a shit anymore. sing then sing lorh. argh

whats this world coming to?
nobody seems to be listening anymore
the tears that flow, go unnoticed
the words that are spoken, go unheard

i can cry a river of unspoken hurt
i can sing a chorus of unseen pain
i can see for sure where this is leading to
destroy me, it sure feels like it.

what does this world have to offer?
a crying shoulder when you turn away
the pain is apparent, but not to you
you walk away with your eyes close

sometimes i wish that you could see
all the hurt you've brought to me
who shall understand? will you please?

will you please, ben kraehill

wooot* okay can blog long post now. just got back from rgs, all the memories man! whoa! :) haha me and pepper just sat on the roof and chatted for an hour or two? we were just recalling all that we did and all the stupid things that truly made rgs -- rgs. haha. today went for band prac, it was not bad larh except that we were all really tired so we sounded like a funeral band instead. haha. anyway played better towards the end, true enough my fingers are blistered from 'i will survive'! haha. anyway then went down to city hall to grab a prez for my friend and then met jimboree at cafe cartel.. where the meal had me stuffed up to heaven high! haha.

oh den halfway met little foot[i should really get a new nickname for u cos yr friend calls u that rite? haha] and passed her the prez. haha i saved awhile for it so now im really broke. anyway speaking of which, when i was in rgs, i was slipping a note into little foots locker and the alarm went off or sth! i was so freaked out me and pepper just scurried along the corridors and hid in the 410 classroom. which was our ex-classroom too. spent awhile inside just remembering our sitting positions and the things we did as her slacker and me bio rep! haha. anyway then we went up to the roof top and it was real pretty! saw stars! i love stars!!! *beams* okay really tired now.. going to sleep! tata! yet another fulfilling day :)

anyway some pictures of me and sash! haha outside nydc!, pepper and salt!, delaine and me, delaine, sash and me., prof specs!

oh to you :: yepp yepp i know its me. anyway its nothing much, hope it cheers u up! the least i can do for you is that, so anytime do let me know if u need anything. i will be strong. thanks! take care. :) [booboo]

was just looking at the photos below. heh, kept smiling to myself.

ok, i shall stop it with those kind of one-liners. haha. had a hell lot of coffee, milo, cereal-drinks this morning, in my lousy attempt at staying up to study. well, i ended up drinking alot of these hot drinks to actally stay awake, and i absorbed two pages of my lit book before falling asleep. congratulations to me! *beams* haha. and forget abt history, i didnt even touch it!

have got band prac soon.. am not looking forward to performing on saturday! :s theres gonna be so much people, especially at far east!! help. okay maybe if i scream my voice away today then i won't have to sing! yay! and maybe if i blister my fingers, i won't have to play guitar too! den i can stay home and sleeep! haha. i really must make the most of my time now. not much time left.

oooh, i miss rgs alot now. hmmmm.

picture posting frenzy

me and pris being the total bimbos we are. :)

me and liana at hillsongs :)

adrea and me being total retards

uh from gen's cam! but i dont rember taking it? nice anyway!! hehe.. tho i look retarded and she...uh..happy!! haha

anyway here's the i can't read you song. nice nice. haha, just for the moment larh.

Can't hear what you're thinking
Maybe if I just let go
You'd open up your heart
But I can't read you
I wish I knew what's goin' through your mind
Can't reach you
I wish I knew what's going through your mind

i can't read you - daniel bedingfield.

it really is quite hard to read people. i have a few friends who don't display their emotions very readily and some, behind their smiles lies a complexity of problems that they are burning to solve. some friends brave it all and showcase forced smiles because they sincerely do not want to bother you with their problems and others just remain nonchalent. but i guess it sometimes hurts that as a friend, one can't even really be there for their friends. when a friend is upset or angry, sure it will show a little, with the occasional grunt and flicker of hurt in one's eyes, but after that it becomes a mind-boggling attempt to try figure out what truly lies beneath his or her bed of roses. some would just respond with a non-enthusiastic 'okay' or 'i'm alright' and in true fact, their eyes hide so much hurt. some when u look at them u can see clear steel enduring behind their eyes, its as though they've just arrived from battlefront and are hurting so badly inside. maybe im reading too much into this emotional facade that we all seemingly subconsciously put up.

i guess sometimes im guilty myself of being 'fake'. i go to wherever with a cheerful smile and people often always ask me why do i breem over with such optimism and enthusiasm? but deep down inside my heart is heavy with depression and tiredness, yet to keep up a false front seems to be the easiest thing to do. that way -- people wont ask why, what, when or how. so i just smile through my sundays, my weekdays or whenever. well i guess at times i really am happy and i really am joyful, but mostly, its not the case. i go to cell with a heavy heart, and i tell myself that i have to put aside all my problems, and keep God as my one focus, the top priority. and somehow that works, because i can actually 'function' as a cell leader and teach the kids cellword. sometimes people ask me, beks ah.. whats ur prayer requests and itll always be the same answer.." oh..nothing. just time management.." or something in similar contexts. only few know what i struggle with everyday and how it makes me the way i am today.

its true. what hurts you will only make you stronger.

sorry for such an abrupt and incoherent post. just my thoughts for the day. ive never been really good at expressing myself with words. alright, good day to all of you.

had a relatively good day today. productive. heh

went for lunch with sarah then headed down together with her to rachel's house to give tuition. before that we were at btp eating our hearts out, alot of food leh! and then we bought baby PINK socks. of all colours, she had to pick pink!! :( haha anyway then headed to pop to buy her assesment book before finally walking to rach's hse in the hot sun, and the WHOLE time she was whining so much!! haha at rachels hse i drilled her so much in electricity that she would shock the daylights out of her teacher! hehe sorry just had to say that! then headed to clementi to meet adrea for dinner. then we walked back to her house.. SO FAR! haha i was whining alllll the wayyy also man. taught her guitar and then we walked out only to realise that i left my wallet at her hse. sheesh. so i had to cab home and here i am. haha.

hoping to feel happier today. guess i am somewhere in between. yeah.

trust in the Lord.

you know sometimes we find ourselves in different circumstances that prevents us from being fully dependable on God's promises and plans? things that hinder our complete surrender towards Him in the utmost humility. to bow before Him in humble adoration. pride gets in the way of most of these things, but sometimes its mere disappointment that prevents me from being so trusting. as in yes i have my questions. and im searching for answers. faith without questioning becomes nothing more then an idolatory of some sort of common belief. well, now im feeling rather defeated, because something just caused this complete turnabout. sigh, nevermind.

a gentle reminder for me to keep the faith strong!!

to the ends of the earth
Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all You are

And I would give the world to tell You're story
Cause I know that You've called me
I know that You've called me
I've lost myself for good within Your promise
I won't hide it
I won't hide it

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For You alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God
You are God.

give thanks to the Lord, our God and King, His love endures forever
for He is good, He is above all things, His love endures forever!
sing praise! sing praise!
forever[shout to the Lord Kids!]

i really like this song. maybe its because i can taste the vibrance of these kids, the passion that comes along with innocence and purity that makes it all the more enjoyable. i was first introduced to this song back in new creation church when i attended regularly with browncow. well it really is a nice song and it really brings me into the heart of worship. well speaking of worship, yesterdays worship was fantastic! ailing did a fab job and the musicians did a wonderful job! had cell word after that, talked about end times, it was pretty interesting to debate with pris over things like the rapture and all. haha anyway after that went down to town and then sarah and i sat by the pool for awhile to talk. den went back and i fell asleep striaghtaway! slept till 9 den did some work before i went back to sleep. hmmm i slept with a troubled mind last nite. woke up feeling very apprehensive and not very good. hmm ill work thru it soon. kay back to the books! :)

"i will bless the Lord forever. I will trust Him at all times. He has delivered me from all fear, He has set my feet upon a rock."

i really enjoyed my saturday. it was productive, and well spent. spent most of the day with my darling :) heh. woke up this morning at 8! whoa. record breaking man. haha den went to collect my lenses. yay finally can wear after six months. but i took forever to put on my left lens because i uh..forgot. haha. den went to 'bump' into my darling at the art museum. haha walked around myself just admiring the art pieces and i really enjoyed this exhibition on memories. as in what one's memory consists of and blah. it was very refreshing, watching a video of kids playing around. full of innocence. those were the days.

den went for lunch at sakae sushi at marina! haha we ate SOOO much. stuffed ourselves silly. but its was very good. but we were naughty! kay nevermind. haha den he followed me back home and i grabbed my stuff and chords and headed down with my bro to aljunied for a jamming session for our band haha we'll be performing on sat23aug at far east in the evening, do come down! :) jammed along with andrea and sang like mad. no more voice man. it was a very good session, enjoyed ourselves immensely going crazy over the songs. then my brother drove us to kallang indoor stadium for the hillsongs concert, it was very very very good! very refreshing

you can literally feel the Spirit lingering in our midst. and the vibrant youths, well us included, we were just power-packed with energy. dancing and singing and lifting our hands, it was a very good event. havent danced and sang so freely before. which reminds me that my voice is nearly gone. was screaming and yelling my head off. and was cheering so damn loudly when addy sang the chinese song! it was so beautiful! great job addy! sat around for awhile after the concert, waited for liana who came to pray for me. thanks liana.. anyway i think she's skinnier. haha anyway thanks! :)

then headed down to newton for supper with my darling! wooot* we ate alot again ahha and then when we had our fill he walked me back in the rain! haha it was so nice to have the rain pouring down on us. it was kind of liberating yet thrilling. walked back and splashed puddles all over each other till we were soaking wet. but very fun. anyway after that he went back and here i am! sitting dry, had a nice bath and smiling to myself :)

Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me

its time to let go. and as the song goes. even though it hurts so bad and affects me so much, its time to let him go. i guess i never really dealt with all the confusion in my mind about this issue. i just let it hang around and let it affect me once in awhile. but as i was listening to this song, it hit me with this sudden realisation that holding on to something thats impossible is going to affect me in the long run and i will be locked in this entangled mess for a very long time. so im letting go because its only harming me. sounds selfish? well i guess its time to start thinking for myself for once.

it hurts to let go, especially for me. i mean i would be all bravedo about it but in truth it will be a painful realisation that im actually letting go. farewell, adieu to a love that i held so dear in my heart and sth that i believed would win in the end if i persevered and endured. but its not about winning anymore, its about believing in a greater love that God has for me. i tried so hard, believe me, to make him see that i was holding strong but it all fell apart because i know that no matter how much i gave or loved, it would come down to nought.. and im tired of being hurt repeatedly without his knowledge so its time for me to let go.

i lost this fight, but ive found a greater dependency on God. amen!

OH MY GOSH.

Like hi? i'm not a saint nor do i profess to be anything even close to it? so wtf is up with you? yes i swear, i sin and i do quite alot of bad things or have characteristics that people might find displeasing, but hi im not perfect? so what is up with that? yes, im a cell leader, and i try my darnest to be the best example i can. and that includes being real ok. if they think they're cell leader's some picture-perfect all-smilies-only-kind of person that what do i have to teach them? how to smile bimbotically or to tie their shoelaces?!

get real. im not perfect and i never will be. i sin alot but im sorry for most of it and i try my best not to do whatever again. so DON'T go around accusing me of being a 'ironic saint' or whatever okay. because i dont need to prove to u anything. so STOP being so blooody judgemental and critical, its not like ur faultless man. and u didnt have to drag it into a personal attack. sheesh.

sigh why do i even bother letting what u say get to me? wtf.

you know that feeling? the overwhelming sense of failure + the countless amount of emotions riding all over your head and you still aren't sure what you actually think about it all.

plus point. i have a tub of ben and jerry's world's best chocolate ice cream in front of me. say bye to this friendly brown tub with colourful imprints all over it. its now in the flavor graveyard!:( yummeh. oh, i dont usually eat chocolate and ice cream. i actually went on a two year choc/ice cream diet before, which ended last year dec? now and then i have bite-sized chocs or extremes like an entire tub of ice cream when im not in the very best of my moods. fluctuating? hmmm yes. that's my bad point and i know it. and the frustrating part is that i cant seem to change it, hard as i may try. u think i actually like feeling happy and then pummeling down to ground zero again the very next minute? or having myself and a friend take a picture and faking a smile so that i wouldnt ruin the photo? i really want to smile and be happy, and not have to delve into the pits of depression five minutes later. im imprisoned within the depths of my own emotions. where's the joy i speak so much about?

i want to smile and be happy.

is that too much to ask for? sometimes i get so down i just wish that i didnt have those momentary highs, to save myself the complexity of having to feel worlds aparts within a few minutes.

oh btw, the ice cream really is quite good, befitting of its name. yummeh, half tub gone. anyway the weekend ahead actually looks prospective. there's the hillsongs thing im going for this weekend, that should be good. and then there's church on sunday. who am i trying to kid? all these will be momentary highs again. and then week in week out it will be the same thing. joy, and den happiness and then neutrality and then boom! back where i started!

so, as they say. enjoy the simplest pleasures in life. ben and jerry's here i come!

im how tired now. how to do work? shite no more booze for beks. say hello to coffee!

and btw, guess what i found! some time ago when jimmy came to my house to study, we recorded guan huai fang shi. haha anyone wants to hear? -evil grin- i couldnt stop laughing at it. haha

[later in the day: blogger is screwed. shall have to post here]
it hurts so much i wonder why i bother at all.

today was a somewhat intriguing day. started off the day with junwen at holland vee coffee bean, had breakfast and a good chat with him while sipping tea and him puffing away like there's no tomorrow. went back to pack my stuff and read through some stuff, edited some stuff for my blog. did not do any work today. whats new. went to town to meet zach, had a quick lunch at scotts picnic den headed to far east to take neoprints haha.

den cabbed down to clementi, erm sunset way to sit by the canal with dipsy. not bad, this time we sat at the sides, near the grass, on the stony rusty railings. flung two coins into the canal, the other attempts unfortunately unsuccessful. landed in the grass, most of em. even my wish, which i had asked dipsy to help me throw.... ended up in the grassy patch just before the canal. well. after that there was a mad rush for what, i dunno, but it was crazy and tumultous, a very emotional rollercoaster. was seemingly calm, but inside i was upset and angry.

went back to the canal. bought 5 oranges. gave 2 to an old man who looked like he could do with some fruit. he was very happy with the oranges :) den sarah and i sat by the canal again, this time on the bridge and ate the oranges, which were peeled by my hands-that-flicked-off-bird-shit-and-removed-my-shoes-and-hence-is-dirty. ate joyfully with the juice spilling all over and bits of it. btw, dipsy DOES NOT know how to peel oranges, and she actually believed my feeble attempt at convincing her that i ate orange peel. sigh. haha.

den decided to get some water from the provision store as our hands were sticky. saw that the place where the old man was sitting on had a nice orangeyjuicey patch on the floor, hope he enjoyed the fruits :) den we bought the water, and after drinking it, miss mok poured her remaining contents on me and forced[yes i say forced!] me to empty the remaining contents of my bottle on myself if not she'll sulk and cry and whine. regretfully i did. it was soo soo cold! ahh, ice water i say. i suffered from body freeze[is there such a thing?] for a couple of mins and thank goodness i had my things so i could dry off. cold. brrrr.

anyway conclusion. never eat oranges on a breezy tuesday evening. wth am i talking abt?! ha okay, stay positive beks.

Let down your defences, Use no common sense. If you look you will see that this world is beautiful, accident, turbulent, succulent, opulent, permanent. No way, I wanna taste it, I don't wanna waste it away

played canon D just now. it was somewhat sombre. hmm okay.

molly!!!

okay i feel better! bert really made me laugh. so damn funny. haha. big boobs rite?? wahaha

anyway it was good to talk to him again. really havent had a proper chat with him for damn long. and talked to the rest too. and its damn weird abt how "calvin xie" came to talk to me again... haha PLEASE. sheesh. its like primary schooolllll mans. am so amused by his off candid questions. "uh.. whats ur no.? uh got picture? cos i miss you" hahaha im not a pri school kid. wah damn amused.

anyway taking a mini hiatus.

ha! i have no idea why i feel so broken.

ailing was telling me that i tend to run away alot from my probs and deal with them later, when things are in shambles and in a not-so-easy to clear up mess. i know i run and i'm hell upset most of the time and the duration as you can imagine, is torturous.

beks! stand up! stand tall! nah. cant seem to. there's something seriously wrong with me.

shite.

ive never been so down. and the one thing that i really hate to deal with is any friendship-related problems. i run and run and in the end it remains unsolved, or left on its own to find its solution. break it down for me will you?

my eyes are tired and my head heavy. there's a general feel of lethargy around me and ive probably no more tears left to cry. and im so drained. life goes on yes, i know. but there's something that hinders my path. oh do pray for me, ive never struggled so hard before. i mean its so bad that i quit the ministries?! thats drastic for me! church is SUCH a big part of me and now, its like some part of me has been extinguished.

tell me why? what? how? and wtf?! ARGH.

she cries a pool of tears, her emotions? void and hardly present. disconsolateness is aparent in her eyes that clearly shows the steel enduring behind, holding on for what seems to be eternity. she hasn't let up yet, no, not so soon. its just dysphoria, she convinces herself unconfidently. i must not waver, she says to herself, i must not. she feels herself numbing up, every single bone, every single muscle, and her heart? moulding itself into rock solid stone. as she stares blankly at the unfamiliar surroundings around her, she can't help but question the reasons for her slow yet deliberate transformation. "oh please forgive me, for I've been cold and weary" she mumbles with great reluctance. He looked at her with great supremity, and she was awestruck by His presence. He stooped down to lift her up and with a gentle smile, He said "I forgive you, for you are mine, and i love you" Touched by His smile, His love, and His purity of heart, she bowed before Him in humble adoration and she was released from her struggles, and set free.

service was great. worship and sermon spoke to me.

my mood already was wrong larh so it continued being wrong for service and cell. it sucked totally. and i made a few decisions that im now starting to regret. and if u know me well, i dont like to do things i know ill regret. i asked ringo not to roster me for worship cos im stepping down from the ministry till i re-discover my focus, didnt want to serve half-heartedly. and im taking a month break from cell because i need to search myself and not let myself get so easily affected by the things around me, just like this morning. classic example. anyway, all these are very big changes for me, means alot of restructuring and alot more time. hmmm.

talked to ailing and she helped clear some of my misgivings and my doubts. took silly photos, but yeah the verse from revelations really struck me, its about overcoming all struggles and he who does that will sit on the right hand side of His throne. amazing aint it? thank God for speaking to me even in the most trying times.

ooh gen gave me molly! haha its super fat, big and cute!!! thanks dear! i love the cow! haha it really made my day. as in i cheered up considerably after she gave me the cow :) so really thankful. -beams-

went with the boys to town and lounged around far east taking neoprints[again!?] haha and eating ya kun ya kaya toast! yummeh eggs! haha ate four! -burps- now so bloated.

ay still feeling quite miserable and down, its like giving up my whole life in order to be able to discover just that little bit about myself. lets hope for the best.

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your risin' sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is a way, that I say I need You
This is a way
This is a way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
These abundant skies
Yeah, abundant skies, yeah

This is a way that I say I need You
This is a way that I say I love You
This is a way that I say I'm Yours
This is a way
This is a way

learning to breathe by switchfoot

the parade was a blast!

i love the pretty colours displayed amongst the dancers, the different costumes of the many ethnic groups were interesting and the fireworks were awesome! splendid and just very satisfying to watch. as i was watching the different contingents march in with the colours party and guard-of-honours following after, it brought back a sense of nostalgia. i used to march too, used to do parades too and it was all very memorable, i messaged browncow straight after and she was telling me how she missed wearing the no.1 and all the different uniforms and just marching in general. there's a strong sense of pride as one marches in. i cant describe it. its very nerving.

anyway i saw sun yanzi!! -melts- haha, i was this close to saying hello and then she got ushered away! booohoo! but it was good to see her haha, her new hair's not bad larh, but a bit guyish? haha cant believe im gushing over a singer. she's one of the few local talents i support, along with urban exchange and kit chan. but yeah, it was good. after that went down for some reception and mingled with the different 'important' people. haha. am back home and very tired.

dipsy, 8am tomorrow still on? haha, do message me if it is. den i would wake up and try my best :o)

yet again, the nation celebrates! happy birthday dayy singapore! :o

every year i would dutifully go for the parade because its an obligation sort of thing. i never realised how lucky i was to actually have that opportunity to go. but well, the thing is that the past two years there's been one empty seat at the stadium. i didnt go, somehow something stopped me from going. two years ago i was in hospital, the year after that i had some sort of allergy so couldnt go. i dont even recall going for it last year, but thats me. im never really good at remembering things.

am hoping to enjoy the parade, really tired, fell asleep around 2plus. okay meeting mooky later! didnt wake up in time to meet the boys! oops sorry :o everybody! have a great national day!

ARGH. :( frustratedddddddddddddddddddd!

why didnt i just eat so damn much so that i would actually be sleepy and wanto sleep? argh, damn frustrated with myself. cant even smile properly. its like half-smile half-pissed-off-look. so why bother? grrrr. so angry with myself. and you, im glad u know that you've hurt me, and hurt me soooo badly that i cant stand again, i hope ur satisfied. im a little thrown off with yer attitude. are u playing a stupid game? sheeesh. ayyyy shall sleep. dont feel good anyway.

no, don't just walk away, pretending everythings okay, and you dont care about me.

i have SO stuffed myself silly.

carrot cake, stingray, chicken wings and much more. whets yr appetite eh? dam alot of food for just two of us. and basically i ate most of the food, i ate and ate, i ate so much, it was as tho i was trying to eat away my frustration. anyway walked back to my house and was talking all the way, then stopped at waffletown to get a waffle[yah i know.. wth!?!] and ice cream. more food. went back home with my friend and drank lots of blueberry tea. im so gonna baff man. sheesh, eat so much for what?

dunno. was angry, so ate lorh. anyway thanks for calling gen, sorry to have u hear me rant like a mad woman tho :(

the choice was simple and clearcut.

dont even know why i deliberated over it for so long. and at the same time inconvenience a hell lot of people. but have decided, and worship prac it'll be. i have no problems deciding between clubbing and worship prac[worship prac of cos being my choice....] yet now i actually was thinking about choosing to meet my friend instead? wheres my priorities? sigh. it probably resulted from the desire to be free from spiritual responsibilities. church, heartfriends, cell, its taking its toll on me. why do so much? anyway my mood from last nite has carried on to today, so im really in a sad mood.

i woke up this morning to run and i ran 2.4 in 11minutes. okay larh, my timing used to be better but owell its an improvement! attempted to study but failed miserably. stared at the book for like ages before realising that i was daydreaming. anyway, its back to the books, i really have alot to do, and somehow studying at home makes it all the more less appealing.

i did EVERYTHING wrong today, EVERYTHING went wrong
i'm in the worst mood ever

im seriously quite pissed off. i had nicely typed out the shite things that happened today in this long paragraph and then my phone drops on to the keyboard and closes the whole damn thing. u know it only happens on bad days? and it never fails to make me oh so damn irritated. well, congratulations to me, another screwed thing to add to my list. oh i lost my wallet, so thats the most irritating bit because its not the first time, beks! wow ur so careful with yr things. and then i happily forgot that i have worship prac tomorrow so i arranged something else and now my friend is damn pissed cos im cancelling on her. i hadnt enough money so i intended to come home to get some more money, but guess what? i cant remember where i put my money box. so i cant go out. and lo and behold it happens again i studied the wrong books for lit a's. fcked up u know seriously. i asked the lady whether the syllabus for 03 was the same as the 04 one and she nodded. bloody hell. so when i got hold of a copy of the new syllabus i realised to my horror that the two books i studied so intricately will not be tested next year! fck. damn angry with myself for not checking it out properly. and when i reached home i tripped and fell on my own stairs. wth right? ARGH.

now comes the worst part. was suppose to go to heartfriends this afternoon, but because i was so teed off by the syllabus thing i didnt in the end. i went to watch a movie and had lunch in desperate bids to feel better, was supposed to meet sarah too, and was really looking forward to it cos i was really really pissed off but couldnt too, so in the end after going to westmall[?!!] i took a bus home. now i just feel terrible and screwed up. i didnt do ONE single thing right today. how fcked is that? ARGHHHHHHHHH.

cheer up cheer up!! remember that wish?
i woke up this morning and i drank milk. haha well, i havent had milk for a very long time! cos eve told me that it was fattening. but i saw the little white bits on my nails so that usually is a sign for lack of calcium so.. i drank alota milk! like half the friggin bottle! now im just full. haha. going to heartfriends later! melting time again! :) btw, any kind soul who has found my wallet, pls return it to me :( im oh so poor and some people just made me spend it all! now i have one dollar. ha! and i threw ten cents into the canal yesterday after making a wish. just something i always do :)

happy birthday to you!
hello hello, im in a crazy mood now, i think im in great need of sleep. haha. anyway ive just tried out some password prompt script thing, so here it is.
password, u can get the password and username from me.
its really damn stupid but i was just bored and reading up on my html handbook again and trying out lotsa stuff so the links are now nicely highlighted. haha anyway before i forget, here we go..!!!

happy happy birthday gen!!!!! :o) hehe.. yer 18yrs old now! thanks for being my friend and there u go, uve got one whole entry for you. hehe.. thanks for everything, really. here's to a blessed here ahead! cheers!! take care and have urself a merry day! i love u loads!

good talks from the heart[i love them!]
today was good. i went to esplanade for two auditions, went pretty okay. then met a friend of mine and we chatted and had coffee there, it was really nice. anyway was really tired and initially didnt wanto go all the way down to clementi but i managed to get a lift from a friend so i went down and met sarah. we had our so-called dinner at macs, complete with ice cream but i was so dam broke that i couldnt afford much anyway. then we attempted to walk to the canal but got hopelessly lost, but eventually when we found it, it was well worth all the walking, right dipsy? anyway just sat there and had a good talk and shared with her some of my thoughts about end times and blahblah. quite good larh. anyway today was almost sth like bully beks day. sigh, she whined so much right, my ears are going deaf! haha.. anyway went to that bus stop and took a bus back, really tired now. mite go walking with sean later.

There is no greater gift than the gift of love.

i was just reading my daily devotional in my inbox just now and i realised how true that was. you know, im really thankful that the daily devotional acts as a motivation for me to want to do my dailybread or to prepare for cell word in any way. but todays devotional headlining love and its ability to be the greatest gift of all just hits me right there, right at my heart. ive been struggling for many weeks, months even, to settle a constant problem thats been riding at the back of my head for oh so long. had a talk last night with a friend at the canal, seriously it was a beautiful place, the weather was fantastic, the breeze was just nice and the moments, forever. its places like this that makes me realise the extent of God's beautiful works, and His grace that unfolds among us sinners.

ive been struggling daily with this issue about love. everyone desires to be loved. be it a relationship kind of love, or a platonic friendship kind of love, everyone desires to be loved. i mean, being in love and being loved is after all such a wonderful feeling isnt it? when my friends are happy, i'm happy. if there is something that needs to be done to assure my friends that i love them, i will do so willingly, because i know how important love works as a motivation. love is so beautiful, so patient, so kind, it perseveres, it hopes and it always trusts. "love is like oxygen" as said by ewan mcgregor in moulin rouge. love has become a necessity in life, hasnt it?

however, love fails. don't misunderstand me. God's love never fails. I wouldn't even have the position to debate about it. It is human love that fails. human love is so precious, yet so fragile. and many times, human love fails. lets take for example a friendship kind of love. many times we fall short as friends, we are unable to be there for each other all the time right? and at times we do things that might displease our friends and many times we get hurt in the process, and we feel miserable, angry and depressed. how about a relationship kind of love, what is always deemed as true love. cliche as it may be, true love fails. all the time. we are often hurt in the different stages of any relationship. one doesnt even need to be in a relationship to be hurt. i myself have been torn apart by the fragility of human love, thats why i've realised that to depend on human love would be far too dangerous.

most importantly for me, ive been struggling with friendships and love. a friend once told me how its sometimes "beyond her understanding how anyone can care for me all the time". for me its different, i believe that if i'm going to be someone's friend, im going to be the best i ever can. no matter what. sometimes it may take going to extremes or it might be as simple as just sitting by each other and saying nothing but what matters if that i can be there for my friends, i want to let them know how much i care and love them.

recently, an rj frend of mine committed suicide. it was a tough time, because i had known her and i had talked to her many times, deep meaningful conversations. yet now, she's gone. and somehow i regret that i hadn't known her better. i dont want that to happen again u know? i was just flipping the bible on verses on unconditional love and i realise that hey, only God can love unconditionally and only He can love us selflessly. who are we to compare?

i have this problem with letting go.

when my friends walk out of my life llike they shouldnt have walked in in the first place, of course i feel hurt. a fine example would be that acjc friend i made during the first three months. we were really close friends and sadly we allowed people's lies tear our friendship aaprt. and i struggled to keep sane as i let the relationships in my life take control of who i am and who ive become. that leers dangerously to a very unsafe situation. God should be the one in control. my friends mean so much to me and i at many times place them above God in terms of priorities. how foolish ive been. it hit me with deep realisation this morning that i was so selfish in my love towards them as friends. i loved them with such selfishness, unlike God's selfless nature, im not even worthy of any comparison. when will i truly learn to love them with true agape love?

addy was sharing with me the peter story about how Jesus questioned him whether he agaped Jesus, and peter said with much conviction that yes he did. he was questioned three times and he replied the same answer, unable to truly measure up to the agape love Jesus loved him with. many of us fall short of this agape love, and the one piece of advice that i can offer up to you is this.

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength

learn to love God first with all you have and all you are, love Him with an agape love, trust Him, trust His promises and trust that He will reveal to You revelations on love itself and you will experience the greatest joy of all -- being loved by God, our Father in Heaven. i'm still learning and i'm still hurting from the many things happening around me. but ive learnt to be stronger in loving God and in desiring to know Him more. I can say with deep conviction that my faith will not waver yet again because i have found that security in Him, that same security many of you are searching about for in different relationships. and truly, amidst these chaotic times, i feel true joy within me.

i apologise for my flippant discussion about love here. i tend to be very incoherent and my thoughts are messy and thrown about, but i just felt the need to share this as i was reading my devotional. i had actually intended this for my own journalling in my diary but i couldnt resist the temptation to share with you how wonderful God's love is! its truly amazing!

oh dear, i'm missing you now. i'm not supposed to remember? hmmm..

haha i posted another picture cos i was so bored and i have no idea what to say now. uh.. hello? yeah met addy for lunch, had insightful discussions with her and bought the triple-wow-oh-my-gosh-so-cheap cds hehe.. and den headed to meet wong junwen for coffee, thanks for the hot choc dude, had a good chat with him too. den had dinner with adrea before walking around clementi and parking ourselves down for a good chat. had interesting conversations today :)

"In my life, You've heard me say I love You. How do i show You its true? hear my heart, it longs for more of You, I've fallen deeply in love with You. You have stolen my heart, i'm captivated by You. Never will You and I part, I've fallen deeply in love with You. You and i together forever, nothing can stand in the way. My love for You grows stronger each new day, I've fallen deeply in love with You. You have stolen my heart, I'm captivated by You. Never will You and I part, I've fallen deeply in love with You"

deeply in love, hillsongs

love this song at the moment. its a very soothing song, that i guess cheers me up. have alot of things to do later in the afternoon, but im suddenly overwhelmed with this dread of monotony that i just don't want to move. i ran again this morning. did okay, but walked halfway back cos i just didnt feel like running. the walk back was reflective, and spent thinking about the many possibilities life offers up to me. shall not get philosphical. will head down to the park soon maybe. just to look look see see. hmm

woke up for a run! very good! i actually ran the 4.8km route. died halfway but well, at least i completed it? :)

den went to school to collect my modules and timetable for lectures that i need to attend and then went to meet josco at potong pasir mrt[?!?!] haha and then after his lunch treat at macs, headed down to suntec to get my book from san bookshop. found the hard times edition i wanted! so happy! am very particular abt these kinda things, i believe that if i wanna study the book, ive got to enjoy looking at it........ okay thats so bimbotic! :) anyway i love that book! too bad i lost my other copy with all my written notes in it!!! arghhh

then met jimboree for dinner at hooked[on]pasta. not bad. ate alot and now im super bloated. haha nvmind, reward myself for the morning run no? :) anyway the hillsongs cd rocks! :) a good listen!

Glory to the risen king
glory to the Son
glorious Son

you know something? i was asleep just now and when i woke up i went to check my eyes out cos they were really painful and i saw the mini scar that resulted from the eye ulcer. but u know what else i saw?

i saw myself.

yeah, its nothing egoistical, its actually quite scary. its like seeing the little me inside myself, the little me that takes control of my life and refuses to surrender my all to God. its like seeing my own life being controlled by a little egoistical me that i take pride in. ive always read as to how sometimes when u look into your own eyes, sometimes we get too caught up within ourselves. take for example; when u take photos, lets say digital photos or neoprints, or any form of instantaneous photos, who do you look at first when it first comes out?

yourself. one will always comment "oh i look too fat" or "oh my hair's so messy" and then we proceed to look at others. its quite scary to come to think of it now. are we too caught up with ourselves? or with our lives? maybe the symbolism behind this morning's picture pastor ian was about how we are too caught up with our lives that we keep missing God out, we fail to include Him into our plans.

so next time, when you take photos, just catch yourself. you're looking at yourself arent u? :)

church in the morning. worship was good, cell time was wonderful, pris did a good job

haha and yay! ive got chronicles of narnia! winston gave it to me! thanks! now i can bury my nose into the books and read it when im stressed! i lost my first copy:( hehe yup but that made my day! yup, went for lunch with the kids, ben and priscilla den headed to play daytona at clementi ahhaha yeah i know its like how off, but it was fun.. pris was screaming all the way :) kk gonna sleep soon..

so sleepy :) anyway [i'm pushing for higher ground]. got to be strong.

"i wake up feeling the sunshine on my face and the crisp clear morning was just beautiful. the birds were singing a melancholic tune and the sky was in all its perfect shades of blue. i stare out of my window and i see God's wonderful creations, right from the birds taking flight in the air around the tall skyscrapers that littered the near vicinity down to the little people walking along the stony pavement. i sit and smile to myself and wonder how i can wake up among such picture perfect surroundings and not be reminded of you"

an adventurous day? yes. a fulfilling day? most definitely. i had a day full of fluctuating highs and lows. the day started off at 9am[wow!!] and i went for brekkie with winston at ya kun ya kaya toast at tiong bahru.. it rocks! i mean after spending nearly ten minutes searching for it high and low up and down the elevators, it was well worth the effort. the toast was crisp and hot and the kaya delicious with slabs of melted butter, together with the two soft-boiled eggs seasoned with soya sauce and a piping hot cup of milo, it was a delicious breakfast. apart from the fact that i got really full after two slices and the eggs and winston had to finish it for me haha anyway yummeh, highly recommended.. its the same one at far east. oh and we were talking about icky things like pigs trotters, stomachs and blahblahblah.. gross man! and eeee the layers of fat and the stomach linings. gross. haha anyway breakfast was adventurous cos that was the first time i ate the runny eggs like that.

anyway went over to SKS christian bookshop after that nearby with winst. wow! it was awesome. it has great variety and the prices were more then fantastic. i bought joshua harris' boy meets girl for eight bucks! how funky is that? and browsed thru a gazillion other books. introduced to c.s lewis by winst i found myself lost in his book 'mere christianity' woot. and i spent some time looking thru some youth materials for bible study and finally bought one book on themes to use for cell word. wah i really love that place! great place to source for materials.. anyway he dropped me off at church later where i was unwittingly thrown into the journey haha..

i was stationed as a tour guide who had to lead my 'tourists' up the 'plane' and introduce them to our airlines and blah and then accompany them for their customs check, hilariously played by jimmy and steven! haha. den we just lazed around after it ended cos it was really quite tiring. good experience tho, really learnt how to trust God in unexpected situations i get thrown into. after that adrea and i headed to holland vee thai express to meet sk for dinner. yum. haha poor adrea had the drunken fire noodles. we kept playing silly jokes on her and she was so naive! prob one of the most naive ppl ive met in my life :o) haha. den after the torturous chilli time had finished, we headed to swensens for ice cream!! yumm we made a fool of ourselves just now, totally. what the hell was up with the bagava?! haha anyway, just came back and had a bathe. oooh im smiling to myself now. haha

anyway i just realised that ive just reported my whole days events. ok, must write cheem stuff hor? :p haha. k cannot larh so shall not, anyway i wrote a new song just only. its called perfect memory. owell. shall perfect it later haha

today in itself was a ballistic day.

met wong junwhenn for breakfast, well technically it was lunchtime since i arrived at 1120am but well i had good reasons for being late larh. anyway talked quite a bit and took silly photos, quite scandalous only haha, i have a video of his.. anyway. met sash after that and we went back to rg..man i really miss that place.. its so nice. its so cosy and warm. felt really good going up and down the stairs and meeting teachers and juniors. ooh and i met little foot again haha anyway then talked to mrs tan for awhile, she was telling us abt how in life we should do sth that we enjoy in life. be it in studies or what, happiness is the ultimate priority. anyway miss the rg days so much! okay veh smelly going to bathe soon haha

anyway met sarah mok after that.. had alot of fun just walking up and down the streeets making whiny noises and laughing loudly. ha den we just took some neoprints and card.. nice leh i think its one of the nicer ones ive taken this yr.. haha anyway she gave me a cow balloon!! thanks darling! anyway its so nice! -melts- yup. was really happy to see her and the rest.. went to meet adrea josco zach at somerset den headed to yoshinoya heh.. den we went back to my hse to play pool again and uh.. five stones! which sarah is really lousy at! hehe den we sang and played around on the piano den they all went home. maybe going for midnite movie soon and meeting winston for breakfast tmr.. oh no.. spending so much :o haha kk thats it for now