Can't hear what you're thinking
Maybe if I just let go
You'd open up your heart
But I can't read you
I wish I knew what's goin' through your mind
Can't reach you
I wish I knew what's going through your mind

i can't read you - daniel bedingfield.

it really is quite hard to read people. i have a few friends who don't display their emotions very readily and some, behind their smiles lies a complexity of problems that they are burning to solve. some friends brave it all and showcase forced smiles because they sincerely do not want to bother you with their problems and others just remain nonchalent. but i guess it sometimes hurts that as a friend, one can't even really be there for their friends. when a friend is upset or angry, sure it will show a little, with the occasional grunt and flicker of hurt in one's eyes, but after that it becomes a mind-boggling attempt to try figure out what truly lies beneath his or her bed of roses. some would just respond with a non-enthusiastic 'okay' or 'i'm alright' and in true fact, their eyes hide so much hurt. some when u look at them u can see clear steel enduring behind their eyes, its as though they've just arrived from battlefront and are hurting so badly inside. maybe im reading too much into this emotional facade that we all seemingly subconsciously put up.

i guess sometimes im guilty myself of being 'fake'. i go to wherever with a cheerful smile and people often always ask me why do i breem over with such optimism and enthusiasm? but deep down inside my heart is heavy with depression and tiredness, yet to keep up a false front seems to be the easiest thing to do. that way -- people wont ask why, what, when or how. so i just smile through my sundays, my weekdays or whenever. well i guess at times i really am happy and i really am joyful, but mostly, its not the case. i go to cell with a heavy heart, and i tell myself that i have to put aside all my problems, and keep God as my one focus, the top priority. and somehow that works, because i can actually 'function' as a cell leader and teach the kids cellword. sometimes people ask me, beks ah.. whats ur prayer requests and itll always be the same answer.." oh..nothing. just time management.." or something in similar contexts. only few know what i struggle with everyday and how it makes me the way i am today.

its true. what hurts you will only make you stronger.

sorry for such an abrupt and incoherent post. just my thoughts for the day. ive never been really good at expressing myself with words. alright, good day to all of you.