"When you wake up every morning and all you can think about is writing, then you are a writer"

i watched the hours just now. its a fantastic movie no doubts about that. the way it was adapted from the novel and the way they portrayed each and every single character was amazing. no one had a smaller role then the other. it was clear characterisation. i think i've become too psychoed by the movie. haha i realise how much i think now in relation to previously where all that was in my head was facts, facts and more facts! creativity lacked in many areas of my life and even my writings and songs were stagnant, as in half of them sounded nearly the same. and i felt so stifled. but now i realise i must think! haha sounds damn bimbo right? but yeah ive got to think and give thought to the many things ive not actually seriously thought about recently. mmm the wonders of thinking :)

this is depressing. another death, right here in singapore from the SARs virus. and the worst thing is that he is a pastor from Faith Assembly of God church. not that i know himpersonally but word was passed around by sms to pray for him cos his condition was serious. but i never really took it seriously and never really did pray from my heart for him. He died in his service to honour God. He went to pray for the original victims and caught the virus later on. those original victims are stil living whereas he now has passed on. how many of us are willing to die in our service to God?

I admire this man because he dared to be different. he took the opportunity to go spread the word knowing the risks involved and he bore the full consequences. he went all the way in his cause to spread the gospel. how many of us are willing to do that? how many of us are willing to be vessels for God's mighty works? isnt ironic how we celebrate our freedom from school? isnt it a damn irony? i find it all quite solemn and right now i think its really about time we realised how serious the situation can and will be. sigh.

war is happening on the other side of the world. people are dying from the SARS virus, and we are screaming for joy becos school has been cancelled. maybe on the more trivial side it would seem all too normal, all too common for us to just rejoice becos school has stopped for a resounding seven days! but in comparison to the bigger things happening out there, arent we all too selfish?

maybe we are, maybe we are not. but i cant help but think about what sleepycow said before about the y=x curve that slowly increases when it reaches its stationary point or sth like that. my curve has been going up, almost to heaven high. maybe i shuld learn to take things a little more seriously. to be a little more wordly and affected by the drastic change of events around the world and to realise that there are actually a hell lot of people on the other side suffering a great deal while we rejoice with such glee and with such joy. let us all learn to be a little more..serious?

i am happy. i have been happy the past week or so. sick or perfectly healthy ive been happy. happier den ever. and its such a great feeling to be so happy and delirious! i havent been so happy for awhile! i mean when i walk home or take a bus, instead of feeling dread and moral decadence i feel such joy that is unexplainable. its wonderful to be happy :)

I will worship with my heart
I will worship with my voice
I will worship with my song
my song of praise to You

I will love you with my heart
I will love you with my mind
I will love you with my soul
my everything I give to You

You made me who I am
Father I thank You
Father I love You..

Praise be to God
The highest King, Over all the earth
Praise be to the Lord
Hallelujah, we lift our hands
Jesus, Redeemer, Saviour of mine
I will praise You, cos Jesus You are Mine!

think its great that people are feeling a little more happier these days. and a little more cheerful. it really does help my own well-being cos having frens happy makes me happy. makes sense? ah nvm haha im sorta stoned, trying to complete my essay! the killer 5000word one. haha anyway i had a really exciting and interesting and most enjoyable day! tho it was sian at some parts, ultimately i enjoyed myself a hell lot!

it started with church where i was oh-so-tired from preparing cell word that i could just about fall asleep during the sermon..but i PERSEVERED :D haha.. yup and was great to see eve and daph and co. again! yup and oh! gen signed my heroine card hahah ala hollywood style!(or at least her feeble attempt at doing soo.. :p)but anyway.. thanx gen! haha and she's my proposer! uh tel u more abt that lata! haha den we had interesting discussions for cell and we managed to get the cell word across to the kids, so thats great!

yup then the kids and i went for lunch at dover hilton before travelling the long windy road to ang mo kio central! haha not that long but..yah guess why? cos i was gonna tk part in the star search auditions! omg. cant believe it right? neither can i. but with the kids edging me along and giving me their undying support hehe.. i went ahead to just try try lah! and dats how gen became my proposer! haha the one who wuld be interviewed if i win(ya right i will) haha! and she was so excited! anyway so was i. i was super nervous and i think the other contestants were super amused by me :) yup anyway we had lotsa fun, the kids and i..they followed me to the station u know? aww so sweet, i love dem all!

den after that we went for dinner at serene macs and we made josco do all the funny dares! haha all becos of 1794! haha my interviewee number. haha so yup long story but we made a few indonesian girls blush and we sang a birthday song for a macdonalds employee so he was so happy that he gave us half of his cake!!! so sweet!! aww..he was such a nice guy. yup happy birthday deva!(the macdonalds employee) haha.. it was really a good day man!

den sarah, who was supposed to walk to the nearest bus stop.. walked with me all the way home from farrer! haha.. so nice hor.. den i pulled her into rgs as a sec1 and i showed her around the school and brot her to the roof to see!(those who've been to the rg roof wuld know its amazing wonders! right gen? :p) haha anyway after that we were so tired so i we went home.tkx dipsy for the company!! love ya lots! heh so here i am now. doing my work haha.

oh!! and while we were waiting at ang mo kio for zac to finish his tuition, i went to eve's house which was nearby. the lazeeeecow asked me to buy fries for her on the way up! dingadongdong! haha den she gave me a whole lota chinese ao level crap and we talked a little and i drank her mum's herbal tea! it was.....uh. different! hehe, yup den after that i just kept telling her how hardworking she was! wow. she really is man! hahah and she suggested that i sing happy birthday in chinese for my audition! -smacks her on the face- haha owell.. it was really a fun day and i really had an enjoyable and happy time. havent felt so happy for a long time! and ooh alan tern called just now! when i told him abt star search! wad a good end :p

goodnite! love is all around!! :)

i am not feeling too good. as in literally. i threw up about 4 times last nite and had to keep drinking water cos i felt so dehydrated. all this at like 2-3am in the morning. and i had a pounding headache the very moment i woke up. so it continued on into the wee hours of the morning. felt like shit. den the kids who stayed over told me that they were worried cos i kept throwing up, haiyo i feel so bad. anyway after that we went to serene macs to have breakfast but i felt so nauseated that i didnt even get past half of my burger. i ended up wasting the food. ironic since its war time and we all gotta save as much as we can and not waste so abundantly. sorry man.

after that the kids came back again to my surprise, back to my house where we just lazed around and stoned. played music, listened to sunyanzi:) haha and alot more stupid things. after that we went to ps for erm..high tea haha where again even tho i didnt have much of an appetite, forcefully stuffed the food down my throat so that sarah would eat. haha. skinny pok stil wanna diet. haiyoo haha yah so i came back and felt like throwing up cos my stomach couldnt really agree with the long johns silver we had, so i did. now i feel groggy and sick. im not eating for the next ten years man.

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never reach the end of the road
When you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

::sixpence none the richer//don't dream it's over::

the road less travelled

sometimes taking the road less travelled, the less trodden upon path can have its supereminent and vulnerable qualities that can either take u down so bad or bring u up to heaven's high! be it being focused and decided about what u really want in life or be it studying in a school other den college or poly, its almost similar. becos no matter what u choose, or no matter the consequences that come with it.. u already are on the right path with God.

makes sense? u dont have to be study-smart or street-smart for that matter. as long as u know what u want, even when in life smtimes u make wrong decisions, dont regret it? dont be hard-pressed or frustrated. take it as a lesson tht God wants to teach u along the way u live ur life. take it as a learning step, a humble opportunity to be close to God again. to regain that closeness and loving feeling u hold so dear to ue heart.

ultimately we are most open to God's love when we are at our weakest, our darnest, our wretchedness, in our condemnations, in our grievances, God is always there to be the God of comfort he promised He would be. amen to that :) by stumbling and being vulnerable den can we be so real to God's love. isnt that so? :)

the return of rosy-posy

i am back. rosy-posy. red-faced, chubby cheeky ole me. its me. actually its just the red-faced part.. more like burnt! and thank goodness i dont peel, if not ill be horrified. haha i just got back from sentosa and i am absolutely red. haha i wonder how many times the word red is gonna appear in this entry. not that i have any particular fancy with the colour red.. just sth so comparable to my face haha anyway so now im home and yepp im happy. deleted the previous entry cos it was kinda depressing. and i hate it when my moods fluctuate at such a great pace! hahah

any guesses for my mood now? haha delighted. fellowship today was good..during service and at sentosa. eve came today for service and i gave her two presents haha two hugs from a fren and for me. hehe so yupp.. was quite happy to see her today..hope her race goes well. yah anyway im damn tired and i swear my eyes are gonna turn red too! haha hope not. yeah anyway this week promises to be a better week, idle and slightly more spare time to study and prepare. yupp gonna take a short nap soon. laters.

I can't believe it, you're a dream comin' true.
I can't believe how I have fallen for you.

And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it's ironic to be back in the game.

You are the one who's led me to the sun.
How could I know that I was lost without you...

And I want to tell you, you control my rain..
And you should know that you are life in my veins.

::fallen :.lauren wood.: ::

haha i was just reading my cousin's blog! hey tabi! dont worry abt it..my hair sorta went down after that and after i washed it, it became realllly flat! haha so i gave up trying to tie it up. tied it up again on sunday den after that no more! cos it was so.. er..unmanagable! haha anyway yepp we shuld talk soon. ur my closest cousin and i think we shuld go out soon. just message me ok! we'll watch a movie or sth.. my treat! really glad uve stopped whatever u were doing before :p hope to talk to u soon! see im so nice.. dedicating a whole blog to you! :) take care!

dr pepper

its like a remedy for my heartaches u know. everytime i feel sad, depressed or just really down in the dumps i'll grab a can of dr pepper and somehow in a strange weird way it sorta calms me down and makes me feel a little happy. i really like the taste. its sweet yet it has yeah a strange sorta pepper fizz. and i really like the tang it leaves on my tongue. i know its really just a simple can of soft drink but cant help but realise its effects on me. good i suppose. makes me feel a little happier. i just drank one can! i'm still as confused as ever. this really is a bad time for me but i'll get over it soon. im not depressed or what.. just a little..confused. wil tell all about it when its over. sigh well..always look on the bright side of life..doo doo dooo doooodoo doo! grab ur can of dr pepper now!

whoa! 3hours of industrial revolution! and 2hours of my lit novel, hard times. i feel so overpowered now, just for awhile. my mind is sorta warped now, confused, yet deliberate. i wil continue to do my work, working hard becos i know that its gonna get me somewhere next time, even if it means starting from scratch again. everytime i remember too much i get a headache! which aches like mad and makes me feel so..retarded! but nevermind about that, im still very impressed by the underlying thematic tensions that climaxes to reveal such clear social problems in 'hard times'! impressive, i think i will never get over the "writing" phase

anyway my mind is still a whirlwind now, kinda trying to get used to being hardworking and having to enforce discipline over myself! its quite tiring but it will get me somewhere, so i will not give up trying! people tell me that i work hard, but i feel that it is only necessary as i dont think im exactly very bright! ok, nevermind about that either, i've been really happy these few days, especially yesterday. playing for worship together with gen and judith it was a great experience and i learnt alot! and the word was so empowering!

alot of my friends who read my blog tell me that i write thought-provoking stuff! which is really hilarious because i actually didnt even like blogging til i read about it from gen! i found it such a hassle, yet now it has become an idle hobby haha.. well.. we'll see! whatever thought-provoking crap i can cough out later, or tonight, may just fundamentally be rubbish! :)

i am still confused. lately it doesnt ever seem possible for me to be clear-headed. to be certain of what i know and of cos certain of what i see. today was an inspiring day, different from usual sundays. it was really interesting actually. worship, sermon, freedom in Christ! ah it felt so liberal. yeah anyway my head is churning new information offered up to me oh-so-readily. so i will go digest them now and try to understand, maybe just a little, what my life is about! :p

ok, forgive me for my piece of crap that nite. i was reading hard times, this novel by charles dickens and i was so inspired by the language used in the book that i began to be flowery with my words, oh what a failure! ok so it wasn't exactly that bad, but still, man what happened to my la's and ha's and wah lau ehs. haha.. why do i write something that even i, when i read back..dont hell understand what crap im talking about. its really funny actually, to be so contradicting in my writing. not really contradicting, more like an attempt to sound realistically charming, and i.. couldnt carry it out! :p

anyway the novel really is a good book, boring and tedious to read as it may seem, it actually has a substantial plot that creates little sub-plots along the way and somehow or another finds its way back to the orginal plot! get what i mean? its details are so intricate that even an ant on its way home to an ant hill would be so gloriously described! the way dickens plays with his choice and use of language is interesting, choosing to make use of accents and actually writing it out in an authentic way, which makes the story an interesting read! the first part and the introduction may kill u for awhile becos it is oh-so-boring, too many facts, too many details, but as the story slowly unravels itself mysteriously, u begin to see the importance of the first few boring chapters!

i have no idea why im writing about this but i was just so terribly impressed with the language used in the book that i read the last few chapters over and over again, while simultaneously replaying each scene in my head, creating the characters in my mind.. so refreshing! i can hardly wait to start on Jane Austen's sense and sensibility as she is sensationalised as being a true-blue thought-provoking writer! and her language i bet will be equally up to standard! time to take writing classes!! hehe.. oh now i so want to be a writer!! yay!! :p haha cannot make it ah! :)

i am awake. rather unwillingly i must say. it is quite an un-earthly hour to be up at now. very uncommon, especially to me. but mind you i wasn't sleeping moments before this and neither was i startled out of blissful sleep by any particular person. i simply hadn't been able to sleep. blame it not on insomnia, its irrelevant. i wish very much that i could act out my motivations, simply because it would be very difficult and challenging to do so. simply because there isn't(or might i say, wasn't) any hint of a sign of motivation in my daily pursuits in life. but i've found it, much to my delight

"I've finally found a reason for living,
its in giving every part of my heart to Him.
In all that i do, every word that i say,
I'll be giving my all just for Him"

how true it is. indubitable and unquestionable. giving our every part to Him. giving our all to Him. giving our best, inclusive of our academic pursuits and church-going selves. we have been playing a mindless game involving the incessant schedenfreude of childish characteristics, the inevitable battle within ourselves as to what can be defined clearly as "all" but let us just stop for one moment and think. giving our all means, EVERYTHING. nothing more, nothing less. to participate in division of ourselves would be scornful and we must work towards giving our everything, inclusive of our moral decadencies and our shameful pasts. everything. just surrender it all to God. only when u give your 100% will u be able to experience God in a tangible way.

have you ever sat up in bed one night and
felt like you never want to ever get out again
have u ever found your bed so cold that u
never want to see the sun again
have u gotten back on ur feet and felt like
the world was crashing down on you

i will catch you, i'll be there
to catch u when love's lost its hold on you
i will love you, i'll stand strong
to be there for you all night long

::i will catch you//kera benilh::

whats it like to feel empty? empty in ur stomach. to have that sick gut feeling where by anything that goes in would just throw itself up oh so willingly. to have ur insides churning like a great ball of indigested mess, to have urself feeling like shit. to feel wretched, to feel so looked down upon. to have people tell u repeatedly that u don't treasure ur life enough? with repeated condemnation and involuntary judgement on urself. sick. it'll make u feel so sick. so unworthy, so useless, so powerless, so..inadequate.

i had a minor eating disorder before. it was when being socially accepted was so darn important to me. actually subconsciously it still hits me once in awhile, but at that point of time i would stuff myself silly and then head to the toilet like it was a daily chore. a routine that i had to follow to keep up my 22inch waist. now its 25 by the way. haha. anyway my weight fluctuated from 32 to about 36, and for my 1.5 frame, it was VERY little! so yes i do know what its like to have that warm sour vomit racing up my oesophagus and out of my mouth. horrible. involuntary and very messy.

ok, change of subject please. its quite gruesome. i try too hard to sound cheem. haha im not. my english sucks to the core! wel, its been a strange week. alot of changes has left me feeling even more confused, but im happy. and thats all that matters. being happy. i wake up oblivious to the world's defects, with a smile on my face. i couldnt ask for more. im a blessed girl. a very blessed girl. :)

supposedly i haven't been blogging for awhile. a few days? a week? ah.. what for display my whims and fancies, my loves and hates, see? i can't go beyond the imagination of love and hate. simply that. my creativity with words seems to have taken a backseat to actually getting things in order. nothing more nothing less.

i've had enough.