the past few days have been good, as in i really had a good rest. had time to think, had time to wonder about things, and had time to digest God's word. was reading this book, a love worth giving by max lucado and was really touched by the contents of the book. It felt as if the book was opening itself up to me like an unravelling mystery, and each word had a tangible impact upon my heart. We are so black, filled to the brim with deceit and pride, yet God remains so patient with us! I’ve always professed to myself that ya I know the bible well, yeah so this verse and that verse speaks of this and that, but it was only after reading this book, then did I realise the error of my own judgement. i hardly know the bible, not to speak of verses or whatnots. the blackest of all sin is pride. I’ve committed grievious sins that amount to me being so unworthy and black with sin yet I have never sincerely asked for forgiveness. I always do it for the sake of doing so. I guess I have to receive forgiveness and confess my unconfessed sins in order to hear God clearly.

ive always questioned myself and God as to what deters me from hearing Him clearly and acting upon His will. i always fear hearing the wrong things and being blesphemous in my every misheard action. i always worry about whether its right or if its clear and accurate, and i never bother from then on. i just leave it as..that. which may be my greatest folly, because after all, if we hear something, its only natural to ask for confirmation. guess all this while ive been a lazy christian, one to always just pray and hope, believing that faith alone is enough to conquer all. sheesh. without constant prayer, it would all come to naught? then again, God is a gracious God, and He gives even when we don't ask Him to. ive been asking and asking God for this, for that, for everything under the sun except forgiveness! only when we receive and realise the multitude of His awesome grace and mercy, and realise the true depth of His love, then can we witness the greatest miracle of all, the change in ourselves.

ok, so maybe i dont make sense. i always write on impulse anyway. but this is what ive come up with after spending moments deliberating what to write for today. my faith makes up a whole lot of who i am now and i am who i am now because God's grace allows me to stand strong in the presence of all difficulties. amen.

anyway i met daph today at the bus stop haha and erm we didnt exactly meet larh i was with a friend when i thought i caught a glimpse of her going up the bus. actually i recognised the sailor moon uniform so i started to holler out! haha then she didnt hear me! :( so i rushed forward and called her on the bus and she looked outside! haha it was real amusing. anyway i keep running to her in town. hello muax partner! -winks-

love is patient, love is kind. mmmmm.. indeed.

love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

ditto again. anyway check out my site, its up and running :)

i've been drinking alot of coffee recently. as in almost three cans per day and maybe a mug at times. i prefer canned coffee, chilled coffee, tastes better personally for me. anyway unlike others, coffee has a reversed effect on me. it makes me drowsy and sleepy. i remember studying with my bro for my o's, for him a's and we drank coffee. i went to bathe and the next minute when i returned, my bro was fast asleep. it didnt take long for me to drift off to sleep either. anyway thats besides the point. writing really expresses alot of what i feel, which can have its pros and cons. but heck lah gonna bathe then head off to sleep in awhile. and i must re-establish my point about feeling good abt not doing anything. haha sure i feel like i'm wasting my time and bumming.. but..but..its good for the soul! haha there i go crapping again, giving myself stupid excuses.

anyway i met sharon for dinner. had a good chat and talked alot about life in general and all. i sang justified for her cos she didnt hear it on easter and she liked it! haha she's my mentor u know? and smhow or another whenever i meet her, even though she doesnt say much, i know she understands. which is good cos she makes a good listener. i was listening to her too altho like i said, she doesnt talk much. well, came back feeling inspired and i shall post some entry on change soon. haha it can be quite disastrous but for the sake of it i shall just do it. and anyway about that quiz i did below.. well im definitely not someone who doesnt care for broken promises. and i wont let the closest people to me slip away! not so easily!! sheesh. haha anyway my favourite word for the week is sheesh. got it from adrea. heh thanks!

You are a Bar of Soap.


What Fruity Object Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i'm a bar of soap? -blank stare- hmmm.. ironic thing is that i use...cream soap! sheesh im outa point again. hahaha its good to wake up at say 1pm? and then just spend the next 2hours rolling about in bed with a magazine(today its 8days..dont ask why..just a subscription) and having the company of delightful music, of which todays album is norah jones! u kno when i first heard of her i was like phooey another pop star.. from that u can conjure that i obviously dont pay much attention to their backgrounds of kind of music.. i remain indifferent once i see their face. tsk tsk too judgemental. haha. anyway her music really is rather soothing and its the kind where u can just kickback and relax and just not do anything. hmm oh and that fruity test.. my fav word was blurp! anyone else? haha its such a funny thoughtless expression. like blurp. oh man im sounding bimbotic.. haha but hell no.. what i plan to do today. hrmmms.

write my long overdue play summary.
believe me when i say its loooong-overdue. haha but heckers that should be quite alright to do.

i have to read up about law since im gonna take it. sheesh
-nods- yes yes i already have gotten the prospectus' now i just have to choose..where.

ok, so i dont like being bored. but then again maybe i should just kick of my shoes(not that im wearing any......), continue listening to norah jones and maybe sleep more.. hrmmms. yes yes :)

silence is golden. ahem. yes yes.

i couldnt agree more. sometimes, maybe you should keep your mouth shut.

things will be better this way.

There's a calm surrender
To the rush of day
When the heat of a rolling world
Can be turned away
An enchanted moment
And it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior
Just to be with you

And can you feel the love tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the love tonight
How it's laid to rest
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best

There's a time for everyone
If they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope
Moves us all in turn
There's a rhyme and reason
To the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager
Beats in time with yours

hmmm.. yes yes. nice. haha one minute i'm whining about some sobby affection gone wrong, next im posting a nice love song. haha wad is wrong with me? the damn irony of it all. well, it really is a nice song and tho the words are a little cliche, the tune makes up for it. it really gives one a calm sense of security. of cos, our security lies in God undoubtedly :)

i've been blogging alot recently! probably its because ive had alot on my mind off late and i just had to type out all my burdens? sigh thats why i say this blog is becoming a daily ranting board for myself. but i've cheered up quite a bit.. as in not to the extent of waking up with a smile on my face but close to that, close to feeling joy again. maybe ive been too hard on myself in the past weeks, always striving for the best and in doing so, losing my focus and knowing whats right. and of cos even tho i would so readily proclaim my growing affection for God and the love of His word, I have been dismal in my seeking after Him, always placing it at the least of my priorities and something that i can do anytime. and so we take for granted His love for us and we just write it off as just something we can turn to when we are in need.

anyway about the loving someone else who loves another thing, it was just a random spew of nonsense. i guess i really did mean it, but maybe not to the extent of writing it so vividly and making it sound like it affected me alot. well it did, but i guess i just felt the necessity to blog in hope of releasing some pain, but of cos it doesnt really help. it just makes me somewhat unsure. anyway i brought a cat home yesterday and yes my parents screamed when they found out..well i told u.. im insanely obvious. haha.. but then again i think it has some sort of virus -blank stare- so i shall send it to the spca.. cos i really cant take care of cats or any other pet for nuts so i really dont want to do them a disservice and end up killing them. so hopefully the cat named smelly-belly cos it poos alot will find a better home then mine.

my night was pleasantly confused. as in it was confusing in a very typical beks way, but for once this confusion wasnt something hurtful? i spoke to gen on the phone, for quite long and it was only after i put down the phone den did i realise that hey i havent been doing so for such a long time? as in not to gen in particular, but more of the act abt being on the phone. its like i havent had the time to be able to hold proper conversations with anyone in the past few weeks? gosh what a reminder to me that ive been too caught up in the daily go-abouts of my life that i sorta distant myself from communication.. in a way. anyway this conversation in particular opened up my eyes to many things haha.. maybe its just gen larh but quite funny hehe.. u see ppl really shouldnt talk to me at such late hours cos i end up spewing rubbish like i am now! :) okay nuff said, its off to bed for lala princess wahahahah

today in itself was a test of limitations for me. i felt incredibly stretched and there were so many things that ultimately culminated into a breakdown. well for many days, months and what could be years i have been trying to avoid this at all costs. ok larh so maybe it wasnt a breakdown, it was more like a sudden surge of insecurities clambering up this mountain that made me helplessly disillusioned and wasted. and when everything started to crumble it was painfully slow. well thankfully i managed to speak to ailing, clement and pris who prayed for me there and then and i guess what ailing said made sense. its my responsibility to God that i have to live up to and its not my responsibility to live up to what the kids think of me. i mean sure i have a responsibility as to their well-being and spiritual growth and of cos the friendships forged and treasured so much, but they are young and immature so they will grow up someday! right? right. Well then again who am I to judge and monitor their characters? There will be great work done in them. So I stoned for the rest of cell, ocassionally pipping in some verses and what nots, but I was terribly distracted.

anyway as to that question napkin man asked as to whether seeing someone u love dearly love someone else, or knowing that person will not love u the same way as u love him/her. as to which one would hurt more..well, indefinitely it would be, for me, seeing someone I love so much love someone else. It cuts deep like a knife, and it can be so drastic. It happened again today and even though I was smiling on the outside, I had to get out of there asap because I had to tear my eyes away from them. That added to the mounting pile of insecurities I had. and i guess if that person would not be able to reciprocate my feelings i can live with the comfort that he will love me as a friend. sounds silly and naive, but maybe thats what we all should be. a little bit more naive. maybe its easy for us to say that we'll be happy as long as u see that person live in happiness and bliss, even if its with someone else, but den again it would always be a sharp stab at one's heart when lets say u bump into them. i watched my best friends wedding recently and if i could be like her and wish them all the best sincerely i swear i would just go home and crumble to pieces. Well, apart from that I still have to keep the faith. cos in Him i trust.

seeing someone you love so dearly love someone else has to be the most painful thing ever.

and it hurts.

decided to change my layout cos im really shell-shocked by one thing. i really don't know how to comprehend my feelings know. its like a wave of uncharged emotions playing some kind of game against my weary mind. but nevermind. its kind of orange, i did the pictures myself and i decided to get rid of the chatter flooble cos of its inflexibility. so in comes blogout, which i guess would have to satisfy for now. anyway if u all like the old design better do let me know. ha i saved the template anyway. yeah alrite. have a good day y'all.

i'm shocked. utterly shocked. there's an unspeakable pain i feel right now. no amount of words and cheer can ever replace this shock. faith. i must have faith. unwavering faith. dont lose faith, liana said so. ok, i'll hold firm. i will. i will. faith makes the heart stronger.

do you know how much you mean to me?
why do you walk away and pretend like i'm non-existant and not part of your life.
do you know how much it hurts me?

the weather is far from perfect! the moment i walk out of my air-conditioned room, i feel like i'm in a freaking sauna. and it doesnt help thats its painfully humid too. my day was great, confusing at times, but productive. managed to get alot of work done in a way. i had school, rehearsals as usual and then i finished early today, 2pm! but stayed in school because was only supposed to meet my darling at 430. then had to rush down cos well my darling ended earlier. haha.. then after that rushed again to holland v to meet jimmy for dinner. felt so exhausted by the time i got there. wah we had a serious talk, quite scary and i feel bashfully mean for being so...mean. anyway headed down to church after that..mann walking to church from hv will not be attempted ever again. felt blastfully tired when i got there only to realise to my chagrin that my bro was not in church. well he came later but could not give me a lift home so being the lazeecow i am, decided to take a cab home. wheee, thats where my money flies too all the time -sheepish grin- but well the trip back was spent hard at work thinking.

reached home around ten plus..eyes closing but still found the energy to complete some production schedules. i have no idea why i just reported my day's worth online, maybe its due to the lack of things to blog, quite sad huh? well, im angry with my bro for not sending me back! -whines- haha no larh, must listen to angie's advice and get a boyfriend who can drive. :p no larh not so despo. anyway am feeling happy now, dunno why, maybe its the music. anyway i realise that one's choice of music can severly affect a persons mood. like duh right? sorry ah im super slow at realising this kinda stuff. -sticks out tongue- anyway muaks partner.. our bet is still on!! haha im so gonna win. :) yay yay! free meal! -big wide grin- oh anyway during practice today i got punched in the jaw(again) and man it really hurt. dont understand why all those people cant understand that its just a play for goodness sake. and i dunno why so suay always kena wack by mistake. ouch. maybe im too short then they always mis-aim. haha see im crapping! i like to crap when im happy. haha but for the sake of the poor people reading dis...i shall stop here. hehe

anyway the play im gonna be in is gonna be a film instead, so yup its called ei8hteen. and well im a gang leader (guffaws and laughters erupt maliciously) hmmmf. come on let me throw a punch at you! -cheeky smile- :p

"what we had, i'll never know
in my heart i can't let go
you meant so much to me
you opened my eyes and made me see
see truths and wonders of heaven's grace
to put a smile back on my face
to you who've been there each time round
i thank God its you i've found
i love you more then words can say
and i thank God for you every single day"

whoa, i know it may sound cheesy for a poem, but it really exemplifies the feelings i feel in me now. gratefulness for everything and a heart-warming thanks for those who've stuck by me. this goes out to that special someone, the same person who's taught me love, joy and grace. the same person who's defied all the boundaries of friendship to bring the best out of me. the same person who till this day remains my most trusted confidante. i love you so much and i really just want to tell you that this world would be unbearable if God did not bless me with friends like you. to you, thank you so much! -hugs-

so..you must be wondering.. whats up with all this mushy crap? well, its not crap, but just talking to this someone again made me feel complete once more. all the answers, all the tribulations, he's seen thru it all with me. and if i let a day go by without me saying how much appreciation i have for him, i would let him and myself down. i've always talked about how friends just come and go, but no. he's different, and i know when we're old and grey, he'll be there with me sipping green tea and gazing at the sunflowers. i love him as a friend, nothing more. thats the perimeters of our relationship. just friends, because if it were anything else, it would be different. friends like you are so hard to come by these days, thanks!

prefer the small fonts.

anyway today was a really interesting day. i came home feeling really tired and frustrated because i had alot of things on my mind. school, friendships, church commitments, u name it, it was on my mind. and i tried to caterogise my thoughts, trying so hard not interweave them in the process. well i failed to do so, so i became more confused. i'm happy of course, because there's joy in my heart. the joy of knowing God. and i pray that everyone who doesnt know Him would one day. anyway im digressing yet again. my confusion derived from the many things i had to deal with today. talking to certain friends made it even more bewildering.

anyway onto yet another interesting topic, i had a surprisingly good chat with this newly-made friend nicknamed little foot. anyway by trying to help her and explain stuff to her, i was in some ways explaining things to myself and in analysing these thoughts, i became a whole lot clearer. thats why i like to talk to people and in my feeble attempts in trying to help them, somehow or another i'll always be able to straighten my thoughts. anyway would like to thank weelock, winston and ailing for figuring out the mysteries of friendship heh heh see weelock? i told u i'll attribute my happiness to u! anyway most importantly my happiness came thru the grace of God. and i know i have more to discover. :)

in my bid to prepare for my new gangster-aka-paikia role, i realised to my horror that i have to take drastic measures to make the character realistically alive. well, first of all i was equally surprised when the role was offered to me. when i told my friends about this role, they just laughed and went "you? gangster? wahahahahah". haha how sad. but nevermind, i shall prove dem wrong!! heh.. then basically 'class' today constituted of a morning run for all the paikias, because we needed to get in shape and be fit for the role(?!!?!). so we thought, might as well just run larh..no harm done. then our teacher tells us that we'll be going to some stadium to run round the track. wa, that is extreme man. so we all headed down and our teacher delightfully tells us to do a 2.4 warm up. good golly, anyone would know that i havent hit the track since last year?!

so i ran and to my dismay i managed a 11plus min timing. hey i used to run alot and i could run ten plus! so yea but nevermind i'm happy enough. as if that wasn't enough, my teacher said lets do that one more time! oh good golly! so we ran again and now we're back in school, exhausted and allowed to take an hour break. we've got fighting sequences to do later, basically all that kicking the groin kind of crap, and punching or bending down low blahblah. this is may appear fun to other jc students or what, but no no, it's painful! i got kicked in the stomach cos my girlfriend missed the pillow. sigh, and to be more paikia, i have to go dye my hair and pierce my ears!! -sobs- no no. not piercings. i will scream!

haha wad an eventful day already.

i've had a marvellous day. it was fulfilling, purpose-filled and it made me very positive again. well, to be honest i've had some problems regarding friendships recently and i've been so tired, heavy-laden and i have almost degenerated to the stage of nonchalency and being unfeeling. but thank God for friends who've pulled me out of my own inveiglement. i met winston for breakfast today, it was a really good time of sharing and just catching up a little and with his trusty bible he showed me a few verses which had so much relation to the confusion i felt inside of me. first he showed me the verse which weelock shared with me a few days ago, Jeremiah 17:8. and that verse meant alot for us to be dependent on God and not ourselves, or rather on friends. it was really good just talking and chatting to him cos he really can give some solid advice:)

den i met ailing for lunch in church, she and i had not met up for quite sometime, as in to sit down proper and catch up. so it was a real joy talking to her because she also provided me with many answers i so sought after for. and she gave me new insights and perspectives and even prayed for me at the end. i was sharing with her on how i absolutely cannot deal with problems at home because i simply refuse to and how i once also did not want to deal with friendship problems. and then i told her that maybe this year is a year of healing for me, to heal me from my oversights, my weaknesses and errors. and to make my weaknesses apparent at that. and it will be a slow painful process, but if i let God be God and do what He does best, all the hurt would not be in vain.

ive been leading my cell group with more charisma then anything. its not an egoistic thing, just a painful realisation that the cell's dependency on me would affect their ways of thinking. sure they come for fun and to know more about God and all, but i cant teach dem all the important scriptures, lessons or whatnots if i myself have not firmly grounded God's truth and word into my own heart. maybe i should just let them noe that i am human after all and that i have feelings, feelings that can't deal with many issues and how i have to turn to God for support! i really feel alot for my cell and i want nothing but the best for them. and if i am going to in any way impede their spiritual work with my charismatic ways, then i would rather not be part of this all. i want to work towards a long-term goal. a goal where they would be soldiers for God because they wanted to, and not because they were just herds of sheep following a leader who happens to be..blind.

anyway i really thank God for today, for everything, for letting things go well, and for friends like winston and ailing who mean so much to me, thanks for their encouragement, it really helps make my spirtual walk an easier one.

"i've finally found a reason for living, its in giving every part of my heart to Him, in all that i do, every word that i say, I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him" we are the reason, avalon.

just came back from a personal retreat to that secret location. ooher yes, that place. was really refreshing, had a lot of prayer and worship time, and of cos personal reflections. did alot of praying for the cell, and of cos for my friends and also managed to figure out certain aspects of my life that has always clouded my views on certain issues. really rejuvenating i must say, but exhausting. now i feel like just wasting away the afternoon in the privacy of my own room, blasting songs of praise on my stereo and just giving Him thanks for all that He has done for me. going to meet weelock later for movie, shuld really be off to bed soon if i wanto nap. hmmm.

hmm had cell leaders training just now. felt really good, cos i felt refreshed and renewed. and i really learnt alot and thru the sharing i kinda understand alot more about people i dont really know well. anyway, then went to crystal jade at holland v for supper with my bro, wendy, jimmy, chris and gen. ate so much dim sum! haha.. nice!! :) i enjoyed it alot. yup den after sending all of dem except jimmy home ive come back to stone. haha. anyway just read something i found very displeasing. but well. i shall journal it in my diary tonite cos i cant find the correct words to appropriate my emotions.

Take the Desert Creatures Test!

hmmm thats interesting. i like rabbits. heh.. kinda tired now.

ok. i've lost it. i've lost whatever self-motivation i had ever. screw it all, let the healing begin.

i did nothing today. which really is good u know. i woke up at twelve, went for lunch with my grandfather, my bro and my sis and then we went hardware shopping for a cd-writer. i came home and i slept some more before waking up and going online to surf randomly. i then got down to preparing my cell word after a quick dinner and now that i'm pleased with my day, i'm about to go and sleep. the pleasures of simplicity. i should really take more of these kinda days, just slacking and sleeping. anyway while i was surfing i went to jia's site and it was smashing. then did i realise that she was the one who got me started on webpage building cos i was super duperly impressed with her previous site. anyway been listening to alot of music recently, some good ones, some trashy ones, some ridiculously meaningless ones, but owell you can check out my playlist. yup alright have had a fulfilling day.

oh by the way.. im getting married today!! haha.. sounds stupid right? haha to dipsy!!! haha sounds damn les but well its just for fun.. she's my xiaomei.. haha one of my closest friends!! heh anyway.

today i learnt that God will provide what He has promised. amen to that.

im screaming into my pillow
dealing with my frustration inside
my eyes are bleeding with tears
my mind is a mess of numbed unaffection

im running into a black hole
a place where i can never turn back
judgement clouds my entire spirit
im dying in my own condemnation

chorus
ive been escaping, ive been running
ive been running to nowhere, to nowhere important
im crawling, crawling into the hole i came from
this nothingness i feel is nothing real
this hate i feel is nothing real
this life i lead is nothing real
take me away from my own deception

my head burns heavy with lethargy
the bruises on my hands tell its own story
the crumbling fear i awake in myself
can you see the steel behind my eyes?

escaping - snap back to reality

total hours of sleep since wednesday night = 5hours

i think i have been feeling more lethargy then emotional turbulence. maybe its just all lethargy and none emotional. well, i feel like a nerdy-queen all over again, pouring over books and plays and doing what atypical student would do on a friday morning, study. maybe the point is that i dont really want to study this morning because i slept at 3 last night and tumbled in bed till 6 in the morning before finally heading to dreamland( or wasit nitemares?) and now im awake after a measely 2hour nap. for the heck of it i would actually go back to sleep but my bloody room is so stuffy i would just tumble and tumble all the way again. so whats the point?

ive been in a collective mood off late, very meticulous in my studying efforts and i just keep driving the information into my brain and even when my brains are almost full i cram even more stuff in. so i end up feeling really wasted because so what if i can spit back out all the information in my exams? so what if i can do well for them and score reasonably fine? i dont care for all these at all, cos its not important to me. i dont wanto live my life heading for one aim to study my ass off for everything i do and wanting to excel in every single damn thing i do. why do i have to live up to the expectations my family sets for me? just because its necessary to have an education in singapore makes me all the more mad about it. nevermind, im just in a state of resentment and frustration. i really attribute it to my lack of sleep but then again its not like i can do anything about it anyway.

listening to lose yourself - eminem

Just give me a number
Instead of my name
Forget all about me
And let me decay
I do not matter
I'm only one person
Destroy me completely
Then throw me away
If my life were important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie
Far from this world
Close every door to me

close every door

my my, this song perfectly describes the emotional turbulence happening in my mind right now. the only good thing is that after this song, from Joseph and the amazing technicolor coat, the musical, Joseph finds his happiness. will i find mine? i'm searching now. check out terrapolis. this site is an amazing masterpiece.

my website!!

my website! i updated it. yeah i know, in the midst of all the exams, how do i have time to do such rubbish yeah? haha in between exams thats all.. i have time on my hands and nothing much i can study for. haha anyway been quite confused.

all i ask for is a clarity of mind. a moment where the world does not rush by so fast that i barely have time to breathe. to just sit down, think and evaluate the situations around me.

well am going for a break next friday and saturday, going to relax at a secret hideout hehe. am glad that i have the opportunity to take such a leisure break and enjoy the sparkling sand, the sea and its distant horizon and the whistling of the birds on the trees. it will be a great break, following on from my exams and my hectic production schedules. hopefully nothing crops up!

the past few days have been nothing special, just events of importance that needed to be done, but well its not over yet, but soon it will be. pardon me for sharing so late, but on sunday, we had the best worship ever. feelings of euphoria and spiritual highs swept through bethel like a wave of uncharged emotions raring to go yet restrained becos of its inability to find release. for me, to be part of the music ensemble that led worship, it was a very different feeling altogether. it helped me to set right my focus for once, to accept so willingly the correcting of my hurts even though it was tough. the many things that impeded my surrendering to God, finally they were resolved. for many it was more then a sense of release, it was more of a re-dedication and it again brought me joy.

i have been nonchalent to my spiritual growth, always letting nature take its course or what, but i failed to see the point. to grow i had to work on myself, and on my heart. going for cell later just confirmed my thoughts even more. yes, feeling that dreadful sense of failure and that overwhelming regret made me even more sorrowful that i had been so selfish, so so selfish in sharing the full extent of God's love to the kids. and i feel ashamed, ashamed that i had been this way for awhile, and it has such destructive purposes.

its time to wake up and smell the coffee, time to re-establish God's truth in my life and in the kids life. i have been idle too long.

the head holds convictions which the heart knows nothing of

the parody of this mindless statement is interesting. true enough the head does hold convictions that the heart is unsure about, or even oblivious to. i didnt realise how strongly i felt about friendship. in my mind i always thought i was the heck care kind of friend who did only the necessary and wouldnt bother to go further then asking how one's day was. call me slow, but i realise to my incredulity that i am far from what ive perceived myself as. i also realised, to my own dismay, that i was depending more on friendships then on God. i felt seemingly overhwhelmed by this realisation and for just a few moments, i was too startled to speak. its not a big issue, dont get me wrong. its more of a genuine surprise?

well then what do i do? i realised that i have to let my friends go, one by one, and slowly release my concerned grasp over them, sometimes being overly-concerned can kill friendships, i would know.. think lucas. ha! and also be more meticulous in understanding the retrospects of friendship and not be blinded by the simplicity that defines it. and i have to learn how to step out of my comfort boundaries and talk to people i have difficulty starting up conversations with. it can be so hard, but i have to start somewhere. friends are like dew drops, some of them leave their imprint on you , some just gets washed away with the rain. i want to concentrate on making true friends and to let it be an effortless process guided entirely by God. friendships are given to make our lives a little bit more bearable, gifts from God. all the more we should be less selective and more accomodating.

for those people who've so blessed my life, thank you. i really do treasure the friendship i have with you.

>>

these two days have been a whirlwind of mixed emotions. was just joking with a friend on how i should write a cheemalogy song and post it up..or settle for a crappy song with hardly any meaning in its lyrics. i'll settle for none. the kids came over last nite.. sk, josco, zac, rachel, chloe and my baby! (thats sarah by the way but i think i should stop sounding les NOW!) haha..anyway then zac, sarah, chloe and rachel stayed over and it was so funny just acting lesbian the whole nite! it was really funny and i enjoyed myself alot with the kids. we were so stoned this morning and they left abt 12 where after that i went for brunch and grocery shopping with my family. ha! today was a day where i thought alot surprisingly.

anyhow went down to church at around 5.. with my brother who woke up late! haha we prayed and even tho worship was short and different, i really could relate to it and i just felt a sense of release throughout the praying and worshipping. we sang this song with the lyrics
"Your love is better then life, i know it well. and i've found all that i need in You"
it was then did i realise the true capacity of God's love for us. we are so unworthy, so unworthy to stand before Him at His throne, yet He has pulled us back from the jaws of death to save our condemned lives. and i just have to be thankful. well it was really good to experience God at such a time. refreshed me for just a moment.

went to holland v with clement, jimmy, lydia, khenwei and my brother for dinner. spent time talking to jimmy. he helped me clear some thoughts about certain things and im thankful for friends like him. anyway then went back home by bus..and just spent the time on the bus, the time walking back from the bus stop reflecting. reflecting on how lucky i am to be God's child. and it was then did i feel such love being poured right into my heart and i just smiled.