"Fmaj7" get down with your funky self,
hey at least you're happy...


What Guitar Chord Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

one of those days
today i went down to basc to help the kids with their homework. was really good, got to talk to some of them and see oh-so-cute-im-melting felicia!! haha.. so cute! haha anyway other then that, i wrote someones name on sk's hand and everyone went around asking him who it was haha and this guy thought me and sk were boyfren/girlfren haha so cute.. but no that is so pukable. haha sk dont flatter urself :p anyway was really tired by the time i had to bus down to holland vee to meet my shifu:) haha

but it always is enjoyable meeting up with her. yup she was late haha cos she freaking walked all the way from rj! i was like whoa! haha and then we had thai express, she was literally dying from the spicyness of her food and gulped down three glasses of water or more. we had a good chat during dinner and we walked all around holland shopping centre taking stipid pictures and we kept deleting dem cos we looked ugly, fat or weird. haha anyway in the end we settled down at kfc after deciding that we couldnt just 'sit on the floor' haha cos everyone was staring at us. anyway we did some catching up and really talked alot abt life in general and everything under the sun. we recounted the days in rgs where our 'feud' started in sec one and we were arguing nonstop as to who was smarter. haha childish us. well it carries on till this day. hehe and all her french lessons! how funky! haha anyway felt really good thinking abt the times where we were in the same class for sec1/sec2 and how ncc bonded us. haha sheesh.

anyway shifu:) thanks alot! guess ive much to learn from u.. and u from me :) take care!

just came back from gen's house. haha cabbed to and fro cos i was afraid of the four banglah workers staring at me. anyway she went to sleep after i left. i was so tired and reluctant to leave the house!! and now im broke! haha im trying to make gen feel sooo bad :p haha it prob wont work :)

anyway i lost my army stuff today. i had actually packed it all for gen already and den left it outside for just a bit and the cleaner came and threw the WHOLE Bag away! i was hopping mad man!! was screaming the whole house down, my poor sister had to bear with my nonsense while i stomped thru my house trying to find replacements for the stuff i lost, which i of cos had to make do with some of my bros stuff. was slamming doors and cupboards. ooh bad temper, not good. den i played Canon D again and just like magic, i felt better.

and my dear dipsy, dont worry abt ur test! what matters most is that uve tried ur best!! i know you'll do just fine next time. keep the confidence up and smile dear. "in all things we give You thanks, we give You praise and thanksgiving" smile dar, haha lets work on yer maths together! :)

yup, still in a floaty mood. woot.

anyway attempted to exercise this morning. nearly died after doing 50sit ups and 20push ups. what happened to the days where i could do 200plus push ups a day and over 300 sit ups? jokes. well, as they always say, start slowly. after not exercising for months, almost a year due to that incident im finally starting again. well, itll get better. anyway woke up with a blistering headache, but calmed myself down with the ever so powerful apple and aloe vera juice. yummy.

anyway was playing canon D this morning when a funny thought came thru my mind. all this while ive been playing it in C.. so shouldnt it be canon C. but anyway that song brought back alot of memories. oh ya eve was the one who taught me how to play it. love that song, it always calms me down when im agitated. owell. i really love that song dont know why.

and.. i weighed myself today!! horror horror i put on weight!! im 45kg!!! ahhhhhhh i really need to lose it man. ive never gone above 42-44 for the past two yrs.. den when i was not eating properly i was 42.. now after resuming my normal eating patterns.. im 45kg! oh the horror, okay. really time to hit the gym man!

plans for today
1. read two books and study up on french revolution
2. listen to more intoxicating music.. actually more christian music i mean
3. pray pray pray. apparently some problem with those results.

ok, other then that.. still am in a floaty mood. :)

some people are never satisfied with whatever they have. in fact, they want more. and when they get it, they take it for granted, and want more, and again, the vicious cycle repeats itself. owell. be content my friend, be content.

anyway im still in a semi floaty mood, thanks to a dear friend of mine who made me buzz with such sunshine the whole afternoon. went for the heartbeat prayer meeting and worship was good, enjoyed myself and even tho clem went too fast, it was still a good worship. im really beginning to appreciate the complete joy ive found in God, feel so much better and after that chatted with ailing and the rest. guess it was a good chat, could really articulate what i felt after so long. oh then met sash for roti prata! yummeh!

and oh i deleted all the unhappy posts because everytime i read it i think about it. anyway, the night ended on a slightly bad note because the bus jerked so many times on the way back that by the time i got off the bus, i puked all the prata out. it was quite gross and like there were four men there just staring me down like i was the first woman theyve ever seen. haha deprived. anyway staggered all the way back where i cleaned myself up. still feeling queasy but happy. complete joy. anyway love the song 'let everything that has breath' by matt redman.

if we could see how much You're worth, Your power, Your might, Your endless love, then surely we would never cease to praise You Lord!!!

anyway liana, i think yer a very strong girl. keep the faith and thanks so much for all uve done for me, all the prayers. hope to be able to talk to you soon. take care yeah? smile, am always here for you.

-floats-

thank you dear :) i feel so fuzzy now. :)

anyway went to watch 2fast2furious! damn! the dudes and dudettes are hot!! haha they really are like breathtakingly erm.. woot? hahaha its really how cool man and the cars are wack! superb! i wanna be a racer! haha thats what i say everytime i watch a -fastcars-kinda-show-. haha and after i watched blue crush, me and gen wanted to be surfers! and like wakeboard or sth. haha ya ya.. for her maybe she's nearing that dream, for me...haha far off man. anyway feel light now because i.. dunno. just feel happy for now. thats a good thing right? anyway got prayer meeting tonight. gonna play for worship. woot, off i go!

you make me smile! :)

ANYWAY! Happy birthday dearest browncow!!!!! you're 18 now! big girl now! hehe, anyway hope to see u soon, can pass u ur card too.. anyway thanks for being a dear cow. ill always love you! -polkadottedcow-

what's it like to be forgotten
it may be a simple thing, trivial in fact, and i have no right or whatsoever to protest or be angry but well, i am. maybe its because im scared of losing you. its hard holding you, loving you, losing you. yeah indeed so. anyway i shall not dwell on it. today many things happened. muffin came over to my house and we bitched till kingdom came. haha we bitched so much and we just talked alot about eveyrthing, it was great to talk to her and just be with her. anyway after that rushed to and fro and came back to meet clement for dinner. we walked to newton to eat and then walked back to my house to prepare worship for tomorrows heartbeat prayer meeting. yes! there is a meeting! haha. well apparently nobody reads the bulletin -blank stare-

anyway we prepped a few songs and it was good choosing the songs and prepping for it. really spent alot of time. anyway it will be a painful worship for me. alot of songs hit home in my heart. okay, shall continue my daily go-abouts.

oh and yes! we tried getting a tune for clems song. haha it materialised a little and den it sort of fizzled out towards the end. a bit hard to sing larh clem. sorry. haha

You Are My World
My father, I adore You more
Than anything my heart could wish for
I just want you
And Jesus, my beloved Saviour
Everything I am
I owe to You, I owe it all to You

And angels come and adore You
And we Your children worship You

You are my world
You are my God
And I lay down my life for You
You are my Lord
The One I love
No one could ever take Your place

And everything I have
I give to You, my Lord, the One I live for
I live for You
And all my days are gifts from You
I pray I'd use them as You want me to
Use them for you

cell blog. here it is, well. check it out?

by the way, don't watch tomb raider. other then angelina jolie kicking ass on screen, the show sucks so bad. there's no plot, its incredulous and its just plain stupid. waste of time, waste of money. grrrah.

can you understand my anger? why this frustration is eating me up inside? well, i cant too.

am very tired. came home and felt strangely sedated. the kids came too

needed them to be around in a way, to keep me sane. and everyone kept asking me who, what and why? so quite strange to answer. anyway had to lead cluster worship and it was amazing, for once i can honestly say that my entire being was being taken control of by God and He was leading, not me. i was just an instrument used to lead His people in to His courts. it came to an amazing standstill and i felt total surrender after that. and i really felt better. the kids came to play pool again and we just sat around the piano singing crazy songs and yelling at the top of our voices. now my throat is hoarse. haha. anyway

the cluster underwent severe restructuring and it was effective and erm i would say its better, because now i have a smaller group to concentrate on and i can serve each one with all i have and all i am. man, very sleepy. k but gonna watch lara croft with my family tonight. shall brace myself. haha time for feministic appealing shows.

i feel better now i think. yes indeed phone therapy works. thanks gen :o)

talked about nonsensical stuff. shall not repeat them here cos its really very unimportant and irrelevant, but funny! and it really did lighten my heart so now i feel a little more partial towards the happy side and im able to prepare my cluster worship with a certain joy that no one can ever take away. its that inner peace that only God can give, that emptiness only Jesus can fill. and how glad i am. because im trusting Him with all i am, and even when tomorrow i have to stand before my new cell so vulnerable and afraid, i shall do it with God's strength. and i will do it with joy.

because its a joy that resides in my heart.

and im really really contented having the love of God in my heart. really have to thank gen for calling because it really did uplift me and helped me feel loads better. really really thank you :)

Jesus be strong in my weaknesses, empower me!

its about letting go yeah?
was just thinking about one of my close friends. she and i arent really close anymore sadly. we've known each other since fop 2001 and then we were really close till like may last year and she was really one of my bestest friends. i could tell her everything and i could confide in her anything. i would make surprise visits to her house with apple pies or roll ups to cheer her up or something and i really treasure the times we had and the memories we've shared. being in different schools probably tore us apart and both of us into our busy lives just didnt give us enough time to spend with each other. still i messaged her occasionally and kept encouraging her and telling her she can do it! studies wise i mean. and she knows im here for her still, and she's always there for me as a listening ear still. in a way its like those teenage magazines where u write in about how u lose ur best friend due to distance and its quite sad. well, my greatest wish for her has come true, and that was her re-dedicating her life to God and im really happy for her. yeah sure ill miss the times we've spent together and sure we'll only meet up once in awhile now for our fave spiceh stuff but she'll always remain in my heart as a good friend. she helped give me this lazeecow nick and i still remember the haunting resemblance moaning martha from harry potter had with the singing in the rain character. or all the times where we've studied at delifrance and the times where we've TRIED to study at my house but always end up watching dvds and crying ourselves silly over a walk to remember or i am sam. sigh. all these still make me smile.

its been awhile since we've 'drifted' and it just suddenly hit me with a certain sadness tat we're not close anymore. i mean at first when we started talking less and all i felt a little lost, but i guess i didnt make too much of an effort to anyway and she didnt too so we both just found more interest in other aspects of our lives. tho it was a very short 'best friendship' i really miss telling her stuff and i really miss those e33 nights and all the bloody things we did(literally haha). ill always sing for this friend and we went thru quite a bit, essays and all. sigh, i still regret sometimes and i wish things could be as good as before, but i guess it really is about letting go. about finding comfort in the fact that tho we're not as close and dont talk as much, we're still there for each other. it brings tears to my eyes everytime i think about those times we've shared and mookie the cow. well. as she always says, "and friends are friends forever if the Lord Lords over them. and friends will never say never, cos the welcome will not end. tho its hard to let you go, in the Father's hands we'll know, that a lifetimes not too long to live as friends" i never thought before that the part about letting go would come for us but -sigh- it must. im trusting you to the care of God now and im still here for you sleepycow, and i'll be missing you. :o)

lazeeecow.

#2 of the chao ji [pai seh] ah lian chronicles
ahh she does it again. falling asleep on the bus. it seems like a must now. the ride back was always a long one. the nights were cooling and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to drift off to sleep, and so she did. the bus arrived at her stop and the bell sounded. two people got off the bus, sadly for her, the ah lian remained in her little wonderland. it was only ten minutes later then did ah lian wake up. to her horror, the surroundings were nothing familiar and the people on the bus few. scrambling towards the bus uncle, she absent-mindedly asked if this was bukit timah road. the uncle gave her a blank stare and mumbled something in chinese. being naturally poor at chinese, the ah lian got off at the next stop. it then made sense to her that YES, she had missed her stop and the next smart thing to do was to take the same bus from the opposite direction. so, she did. and in doing so, as she was crossing the road, in her sleepy state, just crossed the road without looking at the traffic lights. *beep* a car heading towards her honked with all his/her might and the ah lian snapped awake and rushed to the other side. all in a days work, sighed the ah lian as she headed home.

okay, other then dat, today was a good day. constructive at least. :)

i look out and i see the stars up in the sky again. God is good, all the time. im truly blessed. am discovering myself all over again. God has his ways ya? He works in the most subtle ways. stars really make me smile :)

anyway abt an hour to me and adrea's first anniversary hahaha sounds super les but its just for fun. shes my second mistress. haha happy engagement mans. haha and dipsy darling im not cheating on u! :o heh

star therapy
yup, 5stars. bumper crop? haha. amen to God's wonderful works! really works man :o) thanks buddy.

i love stars. i really do. they make me smile.

the un-necessary
cant believe i allowed myself to get so pissed off over such a small thing. i really thought he meant it and that he was just picking a quarrel with me for no particular reason what with all the f's and vulgarities. i really was like wth[what the hell]. and i actually got irritated and irked at this small matter. kay, have to have more composure. and self-awareness. ahhhhhhhhh. but how to? how do i allow myself to remain calm after this evenings events. like every word i said it had negativity attached to it. this evening was the last straw. i couldnt allow myself to go through that anymore. time to be strong beks.

there's always the first attempt...
well i just recorded my first attempt on the computer. its guan huai fang shi by chen hanwei and cai lilian. but i re-did it meaning i sang it too. yes its terrible. for those how've heard! oh my my can faint. haha. anyway anyone who wants to hear can ask from me personally! but get your ear plugs ready! and.. the quality sucks to the max. shall get better equipment next. :)

realised that recently ive been blogging alot. maybe it results from having nothing much to do but study and face a computer most of the time. anyway am really full, have been downloading new songs. actually doing nothing much of importance. yay porridge for dinner tonight. healthy diet. yesterday i overate again so i didnt sleep very well.. okay adding on here. im like really in this no-mood-to-do-anything mood. yeah its like a moping mood. ah shite. have to get a grip over myself.

the morning blues
i got forced out of bed this morning. and many know that i absolutely hate that. i guess it wasnt anybodys fault that i had to wake up, but it wasnt pre-arranged so i didnt know what i was waking up for till it was all explained later. but i got up, hopping mad and irritated at the little things around me and then i started playing some angry music, which made it worst and then i felt so lost. its like when one is riding on waves of happy emotions and then to suddenly have it all crashing down again due to the slightest thing, its gratifying. i wasnt depressed nor was i pessimistic, but i didnt feel too good. yet with a soft sigh and what has to be the most silent prayer ive ever said, i wished it all away. and now in place, tho it may not be bubbling enthusiasm, the angers gone. sometimes its at out most trying times that God works the most powerfully.

even tho the above may not be anything fantastic or big or whatever, its a small testimony testifying the multitudes of God's love. of how in simple situations like the above, he can turn it around and make it seem -- small. i received a letter from my bro this morning and initially i felt really angry at what he had written, but then i decided that i had to reply it in a calm way. anyway dont think my bro reads this blog, so lets keep it that way :)

i'll always be right there
When you’re all alone
And you need a light
Someone to guide you
Through the night
Just remember
That I am here
To hold you close and dry your tears
Just when you thought you were falling
You know I’ll always be right there

When you’re all alone
And you need a friend
Someone to help to the end
When you need someone to catch you when you fall
I’ll be there through it all
Just when you thought you were losing
But you know I’ll always be right there
And I’ll be there through the good times and the bad
And we’ll be there for each other
You’re the best friend I’ve ever had

Just when you thought you were falling
You know I’ll always be right there
Whenever you need me I’ll always be right there
I’ll always be right there

michelle branch::

#1 of the chao ji pai seh ah lian chronicles
talk about downright embarrassing. chao ji pai seh ah lian had a long day and was heading home on a bus after a heavy dinner. as 74 pulled away from the mrt bus stop, the tired ahlian drifted off to sleep. her dreams were sweet and her memories were fresh. a sudden stop jolted ah lian out of her sleep and she realised that she was at the last stop before the bus turned left into a completely different area. she bundled off the bus and in the process accidently stepped on a poor girl's toes. apologising profusely, the ah lian walked off the bus and realised that by good golly, she was at the wrong stop. so ah lian continued on her journey on another bus. ah lian then drifted off to sleep again and this time, things got worst. as ah lian had chosen the outer seat, she had placed her heavy bag on top of her knees and was happily snoozing away when the bus jerked so violently that ah lian tipped over to her left and fell onto the bus floor. clambering up red hot with embarrassment, ah lian then sat with her head down till it was her stop. the chao ji ah lian then went back home, having gone thru another of those days.

anyway, productive day today. altho im still really upset over the loss of my favourite lit novel, hard times. haiii and it was the one with all my notes and scribbles inside. so sad. when i got to basc and was about to pull my book out of my bag, i realised to my horror that it wasnt there anymore. i have to buy a new book, but that book was a gift from a friend. im so sad! haii anyway really sleepy now as u can see from above :p had dinner with sk after basc. anyway ooooh i love the kids and felicia is sooo cute!!! ahhh -melts- and shes such a pretty little thing. i asked sk to help me take photos of her as she was reading. so cute! will post it when i can!!! awwwww!! :)

good morning, good morning to you
what is it with these people..? i'm from RGS! RGS!! not MGS!!! or Crescent or whatever school! i'm a rafflesian!! always will be one!! haha everyone tells me i have the MG look and they scoff and laugh when i announce proudly that im a rafflesian! i suppose that means i dont look intellectual? -gasp- no! haha.. but for the record..im from RGS! i still remember our cheers!! and our mass dances and our houses.. waddle rules of cos! the ducky house! woot! the silly things we'll say in school. gawdd i miss rgs. the rgs roof where we would patronize in the wee hours of the night, the cafeteria and the classrooms, the amphi, every bit of the school remains etched in my heart. how i miss the school life i once shared with my now ex-classmates. the sneaking of food between our tables and eating them blatantly during class, the drumming of fingers on our tables because we were oh-so-bored and the friends that made school so enjoyable! the raffles spirit! always! always we'll be daughters of a better age!!!!

studying..keeping it simple

this is my studious photo. haha after studying for goodness knows how long. not very long actually, seeing as to how ive uploaded photos and how im back here again due to restlessness and boredom. havent seriously studied for a few months, been busying myself with work and studies but not in the memorising-alevels sort of work. havent been burying my nose in my books, havent been reading up on current affairs and what have yous. so now that im back in the game of studying, its really good luck to me. haha cos im really gonna try. have read thru half or my first text for lit and prepared questions for history. and maths is...well....non-existant at the moment, but raring to go! i committed my time of studying to God and asked Him to give me focus, discipline and most importantly, a peace of mind. if i have alot of things on my mind, it will be impossible to even get close to getting anywhere. so today has been a distracted day. tomorrow studying marathon with my studying-partner. haha. then basc in the afternoon :)

btw, i have new photos.

happy birthday to my crazeh banana!
hello hello just got back from a looong day. anyway my eyes still have a slight viral infection so i cant wear contacts for another two weeks! grraaah i hope i remember how to put my lenses on man..its been almost 6months already since i last wore contacts. and remembering the days where i spent half an hour trying to fit them in when i first started is...well lets say i rather not remember it :p anyway before i forget..

happy happy birthday adrea! :) haha crazeh banana and crazeh monkey forever ya!!! :)

yepp, ok, officially ive realised that i have seven books to do for lit, and seven modules(huge modules) for history. that is only quite the scary. plus a chunk of math and im..offically dead and gone. haha. finally got my syllabus. i am gonna split my papers so that i wont kill myself. im taking three papers each subject in january and the rest in june. which means i really have to start on my work, and force myself to be disciplined..(chants to oneself.. beks beks beks!!) haha and i really need to stop going out so much and spending all my money and later discovering to my horror that im broke! what a duh thing to say. but anyway suddenly i have some sense of motivation to work towards to. i mean i really want to study local so i will work towards that. ok, ive done it before......can do it again!!! :)

been reading
am actually really tired now cos i had a total of two hours of rest last night. i wouldnt even call it sleep simply because i spent most of it trying to fall asleep, so basically when it was time to get up for church, i just woke up and felt a little disorientated and of cos, doggone tired. but then again its my fault. i broke my no-staying-out-late-on-saturday-nites rule. and it hasnt happened in a very long time..say four to five months? so i was surprised that i agreed to go out and even more surprised when i found myself actually out. but i didnt reprimand myself tho. i did gently remind myself that hey ive got cell word to lead tomorrow and ive got to be on time for church and blahblah but i guess it just slipped outta my mind after awhile. well, i reached home at 530, and after washing up, i finally settled into bed around 6. and my wake up call was to be at 8? so i sleepily headed off to church. really off-tangent this morning, everything i said was so duh. anyway the kids came over to play pool and we made alota noise and had alota fun but i was really lousy today haha missing easy shots. anyway. after they left, it was a loooong night. but well.

anyway am reading this book "the over-committed christian" and its really good. ive only started on the first few pages but i can sense the tangible effects it would have on me in time to come. btw, thanks klem, for buying me the book :)

yes, am really stoned now. wanted to write something interesting or thought-provoking but i darent cos it would just come out all wrong. and i was really incoherent today, could hardly understand myself most of the time. ok. off to that little place called lala land. adios and have a great week ahead. and for the record, yes im eating better now, my systems better, thanks for the concern :)

the young ones... darling we're the young ones!

the necessity to be heard
talking like family
walking like strangers
eyes disseminate
searches the surroundings
an anxiety held
in the arms of love
the desire to be read,
the necessity to be heard.

questions come freely
like a melting limestone
disintegrating life's
seemingly mundane moments
to grasp the unknown
to know the unreached
the desire to be read
the necessity to be heard

i wrote the above two nights ago when i was feeling really down and angry with the world, God and myself. its disjointed, and very scattered, but thats the way i wanted it to be. no real structure, just words that first came to my mind. i guess it doesnt really display anger, more of a quiet disappointment with the things around me and the happenings around me. it made me feel really empty and alone. im still somewhat in that mood, but im better. i feel a little more organised and i settled a few things that were really bothering me. ive found certain answers and of course i wouldnt dare doubt the presence of God again. guess all in all God wanted to teach me one simple thing -- that is when all thats important to me is stripped away and i am bare, all i have left to cling on to is Him. and i couldnt reconcile with that for awhile because i felt so deserted and abandoned, and even when i cried out in anger and anguish for Him, He never seemed to be there. He's been revealing himself slowly the past day or so. i have so much more to learn, im a foolish servant, i am but a fool.

on a happier note, today was a better day. guess when i dont stay at home den does it become a better day cos i would be too preoccupied with a billion things to care about the lesser important things. went to the screening of my ah lian film, quite pai seh actually cos i woke up late for the screening so i made alota people wait. oops. and then i headed to town to meet wesley and adrea to study.. didnt get much done as usual. well then was supposed to go back to school but it was cancelled so went to dhoby ghaut to meet dipsy and we took the new north-east line to harbourfront. for fun larh. haha then we had the wildest idea to take the cable car and so we did. man im absolutely petrified to go on one. i mean i love rollercoasters and all but i really freak out on cable cars. so yes after alot of screaming, we(yes ms mok too) managed to overcome our fears! heh so we had four trips to and fro so we bought sushi and bao. haha. had a good talk with her in a way. about leadership and blahblah. anyway then headed to town to meet mr jimmy lim! haha he says i have to mention his name instead of always calling him 'my friend'. haha. went to watch alex and emma, it was typically kate hudson, but an enjoyable watch. quite a long yet fulfilling day dont u think? :)

The Waiting Room
Fight 'til your fists bleed,baby
Beat the fate-walls en closing you,maybe
God will unlock the cage of
Learning for you
Fight 'til your fists bleed,baby
Kick and scream at the wicked things ,maybe
God will unlock the door
You need to walk through
When will it happen,baby?
It could be near,but then maybe it could be far,

Here we are in the waiting room of the world
We will wait until you call our names out loud,
In the waiting room of the world
We will wait until you call our names out loud,

And the battle will never end well
You can't marry out heaven to your hell
We Prolific,and you ,the Devourer ,need to see
Some things are sacred,baby
Why have you gone and
Trampled them lately?
I guess it's just all a part of your way
You should be ashamed
I'm getting tired of fighting
I guess I should ask
Do I go quiestly down?
Do I kick,Do I scream when I'm bound?
Are you coming to open the door?
Are you near?Are you near?
Is it far?
Here we are in the waiting room
Of the world,
We will wait until you call our names out loud

someday we'll know -- a downward spiral

If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't You here with me?

angst. somehow things doesnt really seem to be getting better. i would find things that would bring me temporal happiness, and i would do things in search for my purpose and focus, and i would find nothing. ive tried praying, singing praise and worship songs, reading the bible, telling people my problems and i'm tired. i make special efforts to pray longer each time before i sleep, asking God to re-assure me that i am loved. somehow somethings missing. i cant pinpoint exactly what it is. ive lost that cheerful outlook towards life and along with it went my optimism. ive been trying to smile and laugh each time im out with friends, but i find myself becoming so hypocritical or fake cos at times the laughters and smiles are forced. i sit myself up in bed, read the bible, ask God for answers and ask Him why im so hung up about so many things and i dont get answers. maybe im not listening hard enough, maybe my mind's too preoccupied. ive been giving myself too many excuses. and for the first time in a very very long time, im beginning to wonder where God has gone?

the truth within the truth itself
like what a friend told me quite recently, she said "beks you always don't speak out what you really think and when you do, it comes at the wrong time!" now i understand why she was so flustered about it. i guess that really is true u know. and the way i let myself get so easily affected by a billion things is way incredible. its like straight after i put down the phone with dipsy, i messaged her and then i had this really sick gut feeling so i went down to get a glass of milk to calm the queasiness inside of me, and the moment i finished that glass i had this sick rhetorical reaction that seized me in some way.. like erm.. i was just shivering all over cos i felt so uncomfortable and pale. my forehead was hot and my face was flaming red. i headed straight to the toilet and i threw up what possibly could have been dinner and that glass of milk and for a few moments after i was done, i could feel the acid juices in my mouth clenching tightly around my throat. i just sat against the toilet door with one arm resting on the bathtub handle, trying to steady myself just a bit. i hobbled back to my seat where i am now feeling anything but okay. i am struggling and i cannot find my answers. and i think i really wished for just a few moments that ill rather be dead. im going to sleep soon, hopefully ill feel better tomorrow. its a long day, another one.

wash me away with tears of pain, leave me alone to be insane

they lost it..AGAIN!!
i can't believe it. sheesh. i can just shoot myself off my 23rd floor now man.

anyway i digress, i won round three. actually it was a draw. sheesh.

just played a game of pool with my bro. so demoralising. haha he always goes on about placing and blah blah and thrashes me at leats 3 balls each round. time to polish up my so called skills. haha non-existant more likely.

this diet has to stop
i came back feeling really bloated. and its quite weird actually cos i actually ate quite alot. i ate spicy chicken mc-crispy for lunch and alota ice lemon tea and then i had a goreng pisang for tea and then i had miso soup and somemore iced tea for dinner. yet i just paid a visit to the toilet cos i was feeling quite uncomfortable due to a stomachache and i threw up whatever that came out. it was quite gross cos i felt really sickish and i was just slumped against the toilet door feeling really weird. sheesh.

dont mind if i take a short hiatus? -groans- i shall try to resume my normal eating cycle.

and no, i'm not bullimic.

head over heels
orh. haha why this title is called 'head over heels' is cos i.. uh.. wore heels today and felt really tall but i tripped and fell many times on the way home. so quite paiseh. then when i was crossing the overhead bridge i kinda slipped the last 3 steps, so lucky for me that i didnt uh.. crack my butt bone! haha. yes. anyway

i gave away my 'lucky charm' today. it was something that i bought in hawaii last december and something that i held dear to ever since. i brought it with me wherever i went and i had it with me thru tough times and of cos i brought it to uk. though it isnt anything significant, whenever i held onto it i would feel slightly better and a little more calm. it was something that lets say if i left it somewhere by accident, or had i lost it, i would be anxious and really go all out to look for it. well, today i gave it away, to a special friend who i know will keep it well. guess it was in a way letting go of my securities. i chose to place my securities in many other things like friends and school and even this 'lucky charm', yet i failed to see the only security i needed, God.

today's worship was good. kudos to my bro daniel who did a fantabulous job, he led entirely by the Spirit and the worship team's focus was there, that was to help usher the presence of the Holy Spirit in, and He came mightily. i almost broke down myself, i was really tempted too and i was shivering all over, a sign of me being nervous because i would be contemplating stepping forward, but i felt the need to go up and just play for the altar call. and i went up to play with the rest and it was a good closing song. Be Exalted may be a hymn, but it has a resounding effect on the people, and on me. i felt things changing in my life too, and sooner or later i hope to find my complete release in Christ.

gen's cell visited our cluster and we had cluster worship.

headed to dover hilton after that for lunch. then decided to go down to west mall with the rest to walk around which led to us all feeling sian because its so far from home for many of us haha. anyway then we settled down at swensens for thin mint ice cream! i vouch for it! yummy! its really nice but i struggled to finish it. anyway headed home after that, fell asleep on the bus as usual and uh dunno why but i always wake up just in time before the bus arrives at my stop, so i happily trotted off the bus and walked home. now home. quite tired, will take a nap later, and yay my new contacts are ready. dunno whether ill remember how to wear them anymore. haha havent worn for six months due to that stupid eye ulcer.

anyway the band rehearsal/auditions went well yesterday. we sang perhaps, perhaps, perhaps and all you wanted by michelle branch. was quite paiseh cos my mike didnt work so they made me sing a verse all by myself. gonna kill andrea. haha. anyway think we managed to get the main stage, so we'll be at suntec singing away, gotta learn up all the chords for next week in case daniel cant make it. okay, shall sleep and pray for people. recently been asking for alot of prayer, so think its time i prayed for people. yes.

dance fest aftermath
delightful. the dances were unique in their own ways and the mgs girls have a knack for ballet pieces. then again, im no dancing queen. really enjoyed the different dances, they were really coordinated and very pleasant to watch, had an enjoyable time. den we walked to sixth avenue for supper but our prata plan fell through so we just had a few drinks. then headed home. really tired.

wo wu hua ke suo, wo tai ai ni suo yi hui jue de hen nan guo

if i keep sleeping at unearthly hours, one day its gonna kill me heh loooong day.

letting my frustration lose
i woke up around seven and rushed to worship prac at seven thirty. i got so pissed off that there were no cabs in the near vicinity that i kept swearing out loud each time a 'hired' taxi drove past me. i was very angry and i was very impatient. i decided then to calm myself down by singing knowing You a favourite Christian song of mine. i succeeded in feeling a little less agitated and in the cab i listened to my discman and heard the same song over and over again. i reached worship prac and i wasnt too late. anyway its my bro leading so...... no larh thats not the point. but i felt really crap stil. then we prayed and i had to tune my guitar. amidst all the rest trying to tune and ben smashing away on the drums i got really frustrated cos i couldnt hear myself. i was like 'graaaaaaaah' so loudly but thank goodness no one really heard.. i finally tuned up and my guitar was really soft in pale comparison to adrian's electric guitar so for the first few songs i was really frustrated and i just felt so useless and un-needed cos i thot anyway no one will hear me playing... and then i basically was in such a bad mood and i gave one word answers only when needed. the thing is worshipping and being in the band does not focus on the musical aspect alone, but also on one's heart and readiness. i knew i wasnt ready to go for worship prac yet i still went out of obligatory reasons. i couldnt worship at all and i was distracted by many things and i felt very down and out.

so finally, after about two songs, i said a silent prayer for God to just release me and let me be.

the effect was not exactly great but it made me feel better. when we were playing the slow songs, i heard myself worshipping freely and just dancing in my heart, and at that point, i knew that i really wanted Jesus to be there to love me. and He did, in such a willing manner He loved me and He showed me how useless i was without Him. and i just felt like i was being carried in His arms as i was playing the guitar and He was telling me that its ok and to just play my best, because what matters too is my worship to Him. and it turned out better. i could concentrate better and i was feeling a little better. worship prac ended and i went to meet my friend at holland v for supper. as i had one hour to kill, i decided to walk to holland v from church, its not very far, but it takes quite long to walk larh. anyway being alone is something i struggle with, because i tend to think too much and then afterwards ill just end up really depressed. it wasnt so bad this time though. i think i was more concerned with my brother spotting me and offering me a lift to holland v and thus i would end up being really early haha.. but as i was waiting for my friend i just leaned against one wall and started thinking again. haha. anyway i met bertrand whilest waiting and he said he thought i was crying?!! haha.. owell i was very tired and i must have loooked ghastly pale. but anyway supper cheered me up and i felt much better, so now im just prepping for the crazy day ahead and just sharing on how God's love touches you the most when yer in yer most depressed state. and heroine! i wish u were there... thought u were going to be.... :( graaah i needed ur shoulder!! owell!

"Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You, there is no greater thing. You're my all, You're the best, You're my joy, my Righteousness, and i love You Lord"

removed cos it simply isnt nice
other then those above, my day was pretty good. had a good sleep in till ten before meeting jimmy for lunch at breeks. and because i really wanted to watch charlies angels again cos of the "this is hostel yarh" part, he watched with me too! haha. but well it wasnt for nothing, i had to accompany him shopping. grr. haha no larh, he's such a quick shopper right? heh.. but it was good larh, realise that if i keep starving myself ill just end up feeling sick and constipated like just now. so shall eat, but in minimal amounts. and yes i need to exercise soon. haha i was climbing up st pauls and i was struggling at the 200th step. haha so shall go work out and be fit again. however, looking at my incredulous amount of discipline, i find that highly.....impossible. but as renita says.. when theres a will, theres a way! haha.. i feel a little better, but still really tired. yeah, got worship prac later, shall rock on! okay, off to bed.

saving grace
Night and day I seek Your face
Long for You in the secret place
All I want in this life
Is to truly know you more...

As the waters cover the sea,
So Your love covers me
Guiding me on,
Roads unkown
I trust in You alone (2x)

My Saving Grace
My endless love
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with You
My one desire
My only truth
Deeper and deeper I'm falling in love with you

And I will rise on wings of eagles
Soaring high above all my fears
I rest in Your open arms of love

hmm ok about five hours of sleep. still feel like shite. cant get anything done, quite frustrating as usual. woke up and started praying for the people on my prayer list. got thru half of it before deciding that i didnt have enough concentration for the rest of it and i firmly believe now that the first half i prayed for got only a quart of what i really wanted to pray for them about. wallowing in depression but -nods- shall get out of it. first of all, i have to understand whats getting me down den figure out why its getting me down and then figure out how to solve it. solutions for this situation seem to be non-existant so i shall just get lost now and try to find myself. oh and yes my holiday was good, dont feel like talking about it now but i will in due time. so dont ask for now. thank you.

now playing
knowing You by Passion
saving grace by Hillsongs
Lord reign in me by John tesh

i stand before You in all humility, strip me off all my securities Lord, keep me bowed before Your throne.

i just wish i could disappear from the face of this earth. i hate struggling with pride and i hate struggling with myself. the tear between whats right and whats wrong and how each choice i make has its subjective consequences. really hate it.

and i'm really angry. please larh, get over urself sweetie. the world doesnt revolve around you.

3am and still going
i think i will remove the picture later. its 322am in the morning. just had maggi mee cos i was so hungry. i only had 3 chicken wings for the whole day and then i did junwen's blog. surprisingly im not tired.. just a tad bit uncomfortable cos i ate too fast and now i feel a little bloated. anyway i picked p this book from my mini lit library called roll of thunder, hear my cry and i was thinking of reading it over the course of this week when i flipped thru and realised that i already had read it. geez. and i didnt know. im really forgetful. like how i forgot that i told judith my blog add. owell. i'm really full and a little sleepy now. shall head off to bed soon with a nice book and a cosy cup of.. uh.. tea? haha and then its off to lala land.

hey all,

ian's band vertical rush has their cd now available at HMV. go get your copy now! the music rocks and its going for 18.99! haha.. free publicity :)

i wish that i could for just one moment, be stronger.

gen's right, i have to be more discerning. i have to make the right choices.

well, there's no turning back for you

There's always something in the way
There's always something getting through
but it's not me, it's You, it's You

sometimes ignorance rings true
but hope is not in what i know
it's not in me, it's in You, it's in You
you -- switchfoot

when tragedy strikes
usually i dont blog about things that happen in the world, much less things that happen in singapore, but when news of the iranian twins death reached me, i was deeply saddened. i have been following their story ever since they got here to singapore. it was their courage and determination that won my admiration for them. they were cheerful, determined and optimistic about the operation, believing that they would be able to finally realise their greatest dreams -- to be apart. even after realising the full details of this intricate procedure, and being aware of the risks that were involved, they agreed that the risks were worth it. such fearless women in this time and age are a rare find. alas, the surgery fell through and they both died. though i don't know them personally, i wish i did. i would have wanted to ask them so many questions. how come they had so much faith? why were they so confident and optimistic? such bravery would be something i would remember always. they knew that there was a greater risk as they were older and that they were grown women. ultimately that was what caused their death; the fact that their brains were fused together for 29 years made surgery difficult and complicated. anyway whatever happens, happens for a reason. the iranian twins' bravery would remain forever engraved into singapore's history and they would be fondly remembered as young cheerful women who wanted to give life a second shot.

on a lighter note, round two of the spicy battle, i won. spicy chicken mc-crispy proved too fatal for nitro. even a regular ice lemon tea and a large coke wasnt enough to suffice his battle with spice! haha anyway we brainstormed for ideas on euphoria and we came up with a good plot and with good characters. now to submit the proposal and to brainstorm a little more before working on our first draft.

can't live a day
I could live life alone
And never fill the longings of my heart
The healing warmth of someone's arms
And I could live without dreams
And never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I could live without many things
And I could carry on, but...

I couldn't face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know
I can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I do
I can't live a day without You

I could travel the world
See all the wonders beautiful and new
They'd only make me think of You
And I could have all life offers
Riches that were far beyond compare
To grant my every wish without a care
Oh, I could do anything, oh yes
But if You weren't in it all...

Oh, Jesus, I live because You live
You're like the air I breathe
Oh, Jesus, I have because You give
You're everything to me

a hair-raising experience
whata day. haha it really was an interesting day today. im still feeling a little sedated but the night spent was by far the most cheerful one ive had since i came back. i met nitro for dinner at thai express holland vee and i tried to kill him with the spicy tom yum soup but damn! he didnt suffer from a spice-overkill and instead outlasted me to come in first! -mumble mumble- and i met a friend there and said hello when i wasn't wearing my specs so didn't know who it was till i put my specs on. anyway then nitro had pins and needles so i started to kick his left leg because i wanted him to squirm haha.. so i kicked and he was like giving me this crazy face and i was laughing like mad. only after i left then did i realise how kicking him looked rather..uh..seductive. hahah sheesh im not surprised if my friend thinks me and nitro are together... but oh yucks! haha sorry nitro baby! hehe.. then came the hair-raising experience which made nitro feel.. uh naked and violated as he would put it in his blog. heh.

i dragged him into the inn and sat him on the chair. he was nervous. i could tell. i told the three waiting men to give him the most exhilerating experience of his life. one man pulled out a black shaped object with something sharp at the end. he used it on nitro and went over and over again. nitro looked relieve once the man was done. he edged out of his chair slowly and looked into the mirror. he was petrified at what he saw. giving me an angst grin he gave up his eight dollars and pulled me outside as he relentlessly lashed out at me in anger and bemusement.

ok, this is not porn by the way. haha just a very interesting way to share with you the night's details. but anyway he was so nice and took the train with me all the way to aljunied. attented ailing's grandmothers wake. it was a solemn affair and it made me think about life's fragility and how we always take people for granted. anyway i went with josco and rachel to macdonals. so much for just across the road mr josco tham! haha.. we walked thru many streets before realising it wasnt really "just across the road" anyway i shared with rachel a secret i hardly share with anyone and im glad we can be more honest with each other now. and oh i have a new nickname given to me by adrea. its crazeh monkey haha and she's uh.. crazy banana. anyway have just finished reading the alchemist. frankly its rather disturbing but i will expound on it later.

could it be any harder?

You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
Well, you were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

I lie down and blind myself with laughter
Well, a quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don't have the power

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

Well,I'd jump at the chance,
We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word,
As if it's your last, well I know it's your last,
Cause today, oh, you're gone

I wish you didn't go
I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away

charlie's angels rock totally!
haha yes yes i know im a little slow, but i finally watched charlies angels! yummy! it was more of entertainment then actually having a strong storyline but seeing cameron diaz and the other two kick asss was way reassuring for all of us women. hehe. watched it with sarah chlo, my darling and nitro baby! haha it was such a jolting show because i was real sleepy since this morning. yes i'm back and i'm suffering from horrible jet-lag. but i'm not going to screw my sleeping hours up so shall stay up late tonight and sleep at eleven or twelve. really tired and sleepy now but i really want to adjust back to my regular sleeping hours(which arent that regular anyway.....) anyway felt really bad during sermon today cos i kept nodding off or messaging people to keep myself awake. it was 3, 4am during sermon so i was really zonked.

anyway had some prayer after service and also talked to various people before heading off for cell, which keeping awake in itself was a challenge, much less sharing the word with 10 hyperactive kids. so i prayed for strength and for God to enable me to handle things in a stable manner, and it went alright. vicky's cell came over to visit for the cell exchange programme, think now john wouldnt ever want to come again.. woops. anyway have alot of things to settle and do now but am just pushing it aside and giving myself the lousy excuse that i'm sleepy and therefore will have little concentration. would have to read alot of books again, ranging from the long boring ones to the slipshot plays, should be quite interesting. read a few books whilest i was away, mostly max lucados and i read this book called the painter which really is a good read. profound and clearly emphasising on the arts, it was interesting and it showed the intricacies behind painting. haha i have NO idea what im talking about. forgive this little sleepycow. anyway met eve today, that crazy monkey made me wait so long then made me run all over the place with my kids all because i wanted to pass her something. lazeecow larh she. lazeeee!! haha.. k shall crap no more. hmm stop here? yes yes!