someday we'll know -- a downward spiral

If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't You here with me?

angst. somehow things doesnt really seem to be getting better. i would find things that would bring me temporal happiness, and i would do things in search for my purpose and focus, and i would find nothing. ive tried praying, singing praise and worship songs, reading the bible, telling people my problems and i'm tired. i make special efforts to pray longer each time before i sleep, asking God to re-assure me that i am loved. somehow somethings missing. i cant pinpoint exactly what it is. ive lost that cheerful outlook towards life and along with it went my optimism. ive been trying to smile and laugh each time im out with friends, but i find myself becoming so hypocritical or fake cos at times the laughters and smiles are forced. i sit myself up in bed, read the bible, ask God for answers and ask Him why im so hung up about so many things and i dont get answers. maybe im not listening hard enough, maybe my mind's too preoccupied. ive been giving myself too many excuses. and for the first time in a very very long time, im beginning to wonder where God has gone?