the truth within the truth itself
like what a friend told me quite recently, she said "beks you always don't speak out what you really think and when you do, it comes at the wrong time!" now i understand why she was so flustered about it. i guess that really is true u know. and the way i let myself get so easily affected by a billion things is way incredible. its like straight after i put down the phone with dipsy, i messaged her and then i had this really sick gut feeling so i went down to get a glass of milk to calm the queasiness inside of me, and the moment i finished that glass i had this sick rhetorical reaction that seized me in some way.. like erm.. i was just shivering all over cos i felt so uncomfortable and pale. my forehead was hot and my face was flaming red. i headed straight to the toilet and i threw up what possibly could have been dinner and that glass of milk and for a few moments after i was done, i could feel the acid juices in my mouth clenching tightly around my throat. i just sat against the toilet door with one arm resting on the bathtub handle, trying to steady myself just a bit. i hobbled back to my seat where i am now feeling anything but okay. i am struggling and i cannot find my answers. and i think i really wished for just a few moments that ill rather be dead. im going to sleep soon, hopefully ill feel better tomorrow. its a long day, another one.

wash me away with tears of pain, leave me alone to be insane