letting my frustration lose
i woke up around seven and rushed to worship prac at seven thirty. i got so pissed off that there were no cabs in the near vicinity that i kept swearing out loud each time a 'hired' taxi drove past me. i was very angry and i was very impatient. i decided then to calm myself down by singing knowing You a favourite Christian song of mine. i succeeded in feeling a little less agitated and in the cab i listened to my discman and heard the same song over and over again. i reached worship prac and i wasnt too late. anyway its my bro leading so...... no larh thats not the point. but i felt really crap stil. then we prayed and i had to tune my guitar. amidst all the rest trying to tune and ben smashing away on the drums i got really frustrated cos i couldnt hear myself. i was like 'graaaaaaaah' so loudly but thank goodness no one really heard.. i finally tuned up and my guitar was really soft in pale comparison to adrian's electric guitar so for the first few songs i was really frustrated and i just felt so useless and un-needed cos i thot anyway no one will hear me playing... and then i basically was in such a bad mood and i gave one word answers only when needed. the thing is worshipping and being in the band does not focus on the musical aspect alone, but also on one's heart and readiness. i knew i wasnt ready to go for worship prac yet i still went out of obligatory reasons. i couldnt worship at all and i was distracted by many things and i felt very down and out.

so finally, after about two songs, i said a silent prayer for God to just release me and let me be.

the effect was not exactly great but it made me feel better. when we were playing the slow songs, i heard myself worshipping freely and just dancing in my heart, and at that point, i knew that i really wanted Jesus to be there to love me. and He did, in such a willing manner He loved me and He showed me how useless i was without Him. and i just felt like i was being carried in His arms as i was playing the guitar and He was telling me that its ok and to just play my best, because what matters too is my worship to Him. and it turned out better. i could concentrate better and i was feeling a little better. worship prac ended and i went to meet my friend at holland v for supper. as i had one hour to kill, i decided to walk to holland v from church, its not very far, but it takes quite long to walk larh. anyway being alone is something i struggle with, because i tend to think too much and then afterwards ill just end up really depressed. it wasnt so bad this time though. i think i was more concerned with my brother spotting me and offering me a lift to holland v and thus i would end up being really early haha.. but as i was waiting for my friend i just leaned against one wall and started thinking again. haha. anyway i met bertrand whilest waiting and he said he thought i was crying?!! haha.. owell i was very tired and i must have loooked ghastly pale. but anyway supper cheered me up and i felt much better, so now im just prepping for the crazy day ahead and just sharing on how God's love touches you the most when yer in yer most depressed state. and heroine! i wish u were there... thought u were going to be.... :( graaah i needed ur shoulder!! owell!

"Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You, there is no greater thing. You're my all, You're the best, You're my joy, my Righteousness, and i love You Lord"