today in itself was a test of limitations for me. i felt incredibly stretched and there were so many things that ultimately culminated into a breakdown. well for many days, months and what could be years i have been trying to avoid this at all costs. ok larh so maybe it wasnt a breakdown, it was more like a sudden surge of insecurities clambering up this mountain that made me helplessly disillusioned and wasted. and when everything started to crumble it was painfully slow. well thankfully i managed to speak to ailing, clement and pris who prayed for me there and then and i guess what ailing said made sense. its my responsibility to God that i have to live up to and its not my responsibility to live up to what the kids think of me. i mean sure i have a responsibility as to their well-being and spiritual growth and of cos the friendships forged and treasured so much, but they are young and immature so they will grow up someday! right? right. Well then again who am I to judge and monitor their characters? There will be great work done in them. So I stoned for the rest of cell, ocassionally pipping in some verses and what nots, but I was terribly distracted.

anyway as to that question napkin man asked as to whether seeing someone u love dearly love someone else, or knowing that person will not love u the same way as u love him/her. as to which one would hurt more..well, indefinitely it would be, for me, seeing someone I love so much love someone else. It cuts deep like a knife, and it can be so drastic. It happened again today and even though I was smiling on the outside, I had to get out of there asap because I had to tear my eyes away from them. That added to the mounting pile of insecurities I had. and i guess if that person would not be able to reciprocate my feelings i can live with the comfort that he will love me as a friend. sounds silly and naive, but maybe thats what we all should be. a little bit more naive. maybe its easy for us to say that we'll be happy as long as u see that person live in happiness and bliss, even if its with someone else, but den again it would always be a sharp stab at one's heart when lets say u bump into them. i watched my best friends wedding recently and if i could be like her and wish them all the best sincerely i swear i would just go home and crumble to pieces. Well, apart from that I still have to keep the faith. cos in Him i trust.