cannot say enough
today's worship songs are still lingering in my head. i feel so much more of a teacher when i was teaching angie and zac how to sing harmonies and all. heh owell, i learnt alot myself. today was tiring. woke up really early, headed to church for prac den service, den had to rush off for the asian aerospace which was basically very very hot. not the planes i mean, but the weather. and oh dear i sound like a bimbo. haha anyway i stayed inside with my sister and just talked and den finally after steaming outside for awhile we finally went back.

angie came over to watch american pie, but everything wasnt suited for us to watch, so we just sang and sang and created crappy songs hehe and just bumming around and feeling reallly nua. haha den we headed to watch sk perform at macritchie. it was raining so we thought ahhh darn what a dreary day, but it turned out really well and we went to zac's house to dry ourselves. sang so many songs again and did silly dances and im really glad pau's more confident now! :) yeh, owell den headed for a sumptous dinner at newton. ahhhhhhhhhhhh my stomach spells fat ALL OVER. haha anyway today was a good productive day in a strange sense, but its made me really happy yet unbelievably tired so im gonna head off to bed soon.

i miss you princess. yr always a dear friend to me and ill be keeping a silent watch over you :) call me soon kay? *hugs

spp: one week! one week!! cos im strong enoughhhhhhhhh :p

maybe i expect too much

but its getting increasingly unsatisfying to always take the first step and humble myself, only to have it thrown back into my face. and again its frustrating to keep on giving and then i lose at the receiving end. its realllly frustrating. and den i cant believe i actually am bothered about silly nonsensical rumours that are so dam irritating.

there's nothing between us, so STOP asking! thankyou very much!

and then when i painstakingly take effort to type individual mails to different people and ask for their replies, they dont, even though its important! frustrating. (and no its not you gen :) ) but i get so frustrated cos i wonder WHY THE HELL i even bother in the first place. helllllo isnt it basic courtesy to reply mails sent to u??

ahhhh wtf frustrated. go awayyy

one last breath
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge
and I'm thinking that maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

***
i wish i could be happier for you
i wish i could be happier myself :(

i'm so ticked off.

anyway to all me pals who's getting their o level results, fear not, trust in God!

i like packing my room
haha found so many old letters. those that candace and aletheia wrote in sec one. heh they were my dajie's and i was their xiaodi cos i looked so boyboy last time haha. so cute and i remember talking to candace on the phone and asking her "do u trust me?" hehe and singing harmonies for the power of Your love. so funny! and found my sec1-sec4 class photos. hehe i looked so toot, maybe i still do now. but yeh! so toooot. haha and then i had my obs badge i bought in sec3 and an obs photo thats really dog-eared. oops. and found my canoeing medal haha dam funny lah its rusty already. haha and everytime i see the classical guitar, i remember the time we took the guit from the guides room and how it never got back to them until the year we left. heh. rgs rgs, brings back fond memories. also found my ncc photo album.. oh my my if only i could return to that skinny toot i was :(:( hahaha the skinny part i mean.. haha and my rgs sewing kit which i never used cos i always screwed sewing up and got a teachers d.c for ponning sewing haha and of cos my little apron that i used in cooking class. i remember me and huiching made the pizza without the crust hahahahaha and it came out all stuck to the pan! heh so now u know, never ask beks to make pizzas for you. heh and the amphitheatre where everyone but me fell down(surprise surprise!) haha rgs! holds so much memories for me. wouldnt exchange it for the world :)

then i was packing this whole collection of old CDs, wah i have(now had) backstreet boys(all their cds) haha westlife, 911, boyzone, and savage garden. haha i only kept the savage garden one. heh and oh the 911 one too since it had 'bodyshakin' the first dance i danced to during my sec1 orientation. haha and i remember stef teaching me and yvette how to shake as you move backwards. haha and of cos the very embarrassing skate scooter which i have decided to keep to remind myself of the inter-house drama comp which i totally paisehed myself in haha, ask the rg girls. heh but YES, its history!

its one of those days where u actually have time to sieve through your stuff and with music blasting and all these keepsakes to keep you company, its really almost perfect :)

couldnt sleep until my brother came home. was quite a nice surprise actually cos i thought he wasnt coming home for the nite. anyway spent some time talking to him, and by good golly i actually feel loads better. so yeh listened to what he had to say, and managed to clear up some stuff with myself. it really is great having someone who lives with me, understand what im going through and can give me sordid advice as to what to do.

thanks kor :)

the walls come tumbling down

listening to : only time by enya
current mood : shitty but trying to be optimistic

first of all, its my mum's birthday!!! so happy birthday mum, i appreciate you more then you know it. :) just came up from singing her a birthday song. it always makes me glow whenever i see her smile happily! it makes the ideals of a happy family so much more real. and i really wanted to make her happy. i think of the disappointment the past ten years or so she has suffered when she works so hard yet her daughter[me] forgets her birthday till the night of the dinner itself. sigh, i havent been a good enough daughter even after so much she has done for me, yet i repay her with all my tantrums and angstypangsty moods. sigh, going to try harder. sometimes i really take for granted my family and how much they love me. arghy. shall not dwell on it, will work on it.

today was................... busy. but painfully tiring. woke up darn early, went thru the day sick and tired. fever escalated, den subsided. it was tiresome. and i kept breaking into cold sweat and felt dizzy the entire day. dammit. been taking more vitamins already. anyway feeling terrible now but trying to feel better. the same line hurts.

to see someone you love so much love somebody else, arghh its painful i swear.

goodnight.

spp: i.w.i.c.t.u.h.i.f.b.t.c.c.pp.c.a.i.l.u! :) be strong dear

whats it like to feel?

listening to : love song by third day
current mood : don't quite know. :( negative i suppose

i.. dont know how to express myself well. things come out wrongly, things i dont like to talk about get talked about, and i end up making a big mess. im tired, and thats all i know for now. because life is one big joke and we end up in debates about practically everything --> no specific reference or whatsoever. and i cannot rebutt/retort no matter how hard i try, because my thoughts are always jumbled up, and i always return with a nonsensical answer. sad isnt it? not cut out to be a debater. guess we cant be good at everything. and it frustrates me when i know my point and my stand, but i fail to convey it due to my inconsistencies. and it sucks because i know what i feel and all, but i just cant put it across.

and thats when it gets tiring.

and then i dont really know what i feel anymore.

attitude change
boy, listen up. its time for you to grow up, its time for us to set you free. its time for you to understand that if you are going to intentionally hurt the people around you who care so greatly for you, yr gonna lose them. so wake up and smell the coffee, get the picture, understand and with God's amazing grace, i'll be praying that you'll see where we're ALL coming from and how much we really care. the world does not revolve around the way you feel and what you want, like you said, its not all about yrself. so give the anger up, ease the hate away and let God's grace flow into your heart.

lost for words.
today a friend of mine shared about me in her cell today, and its the one thing that has made my day :) its nice to feel appreciated. but all glory to God definitely. but anyway thanks spp, you better not talk about kk or mmr if not i shall ask you to g.a.d hehe. strange language.

i saw you and i'm amazed at how i can turn myself around and -- walk away.

if i told you that the reason why i respect you so much and hold you in such high regard was because you've changed my life, would you believe me?

if i told you that i regret having to tell you anything bitter about myself because i dont want to burden you, what would you say?

and if i said that i love you cos God has placed you in my life for a purpose, will you trust me?

well, i'll say it if it makes you realise how special you are to me.

worship prac was tiring, one of the most tedious and technical ones ive ever had. i played for a solid three hours, till the skin on my fingers split and till i was so stressed by all the mounting tension in the audi. took a bus back and sat down with my parents for a half-hour talk and it was slightly better. i'm drained already yet i have to start my insane working hours next week, so i need alot of strength from God. i need to learn so many things. wash my own clothes, cook my own food.

and so it is, in Him i'll put all my trust. I can do this!! i can. God give me strength!!

spp: be strong! it'll be over soon. have faith dear.

psalms 91 -- switchfoot
i won't be afraid anymore
of the terrors by night or
the arrow that blinds my day

though a thousand may fall at my side
and though ten thousand may fall
in Him i'll put all my trust

he who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
shall abide in the shadows
he who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
shall abide in the shadows

i will hide in your wings always
Your angels stand by to keep me in all my ways

dont push me over the edge bitch
or i swear ill make this turn really ugly.

i called out to you and you answered
my life seemed a little less hopeless then
and then it was all quiet.
and then i remembered you werent there.

people leaving
i really hate it. i hate to say goodbye. even though its not as if we won't see each other again, the goodbyes are always painful. especially if they happen to be someone close to you. that way, as many say, they should remain close to you despite the distance, cos friendship definitely sees through all things. but maybe not all friendships. okae i shall stop being so pessimistic. sigh. there's more people leaving this week.

ruth left first, and even tho i wasnt close to her, i did send her off. the goodbye was tearful, not for me, but for many others. and the fact that she's coming back only next year was quite sad. but all the best to her, she really wanted to go overseas, so at least now she can live her dream.

and then yanting left last week. that one was sad, cos i had just started to get to know her better over the past few months or so, starting with our richard lim captains ball team heh, and then all the stupid spongebob squarepants jokes and of cos just meeting up with her for coffee that nite. it was sad when she left, but i held back the tears becos the last thing she needed was for everyone else to be err, not strong. but yans, take care okae? ill look out for your sisters, dont worry :)

and now, my dear friend cookiemonster is going to leave tomorrow morning. shit. all our four hour night conversations and all our fat talk. and now she's going to go too. sigh this really is depressing. owell, she's coming back only in dec, but hopefully if i do get to visit aussie in april ill get to see her too. boo. bye cookie, i'll really miss you :(

last but not least, the cool clique's mr walid is leaving tomorrow night too. the cool clique will always have a special place in my heart and each one of them are special to me! so goodbye walid, it was great knowing you, and i hope to see you again soon. he's going to be gone for a very long time cos he's actually moving to naperville, so dammit. but nevermind, technology reigns strongly in long-distance friendships. take care walid, i'll miss you.

there there. now i feel horrible. ugh. going to hide under my blanket.

perfect
she saunters into the room with distinguished pride. her eyes are cold and penetrating and seemingly glazed with ice. she sits herself down onto the chair before her, and with a heavy sigh, she places her hands on her lap and awaits unnervingly the judgement that was to be placed upon her tiny shoulders. perhaps we should add more emphasis to those shoulders of hers. they were miniscule, weak and almost lackadaisical. it was probably only right to associate her shoulders with her present sentiments. her inner core was numb, numb with pride. and her spirits were languid and listless. there was nothing that could ignite the smallest sparkle within her soul. the people before her eyed her with curiousity, and with a certain fear. they asked her for her name, and she answers in a lacklustre tone. her voice is soft, nothing harsh could be detected from her tone and she seemed resigned to her fate. they ask her the next question, fearful as to what her reaction would be, but cautiously they approached her with the designated question and asked if she knew what she was here for.

her eyes widened as she scrutinised the people before her. she coughed twice, it was as if to ease her nerves. she raised her hand to stop the one person who came forward to her with a glass of water, and waved him away. she propped herself upright and unexpected to many, lashed out with grieving anger.

it's because i'm not perfect.

and then it was all clear to them. expectations and all, they had been too harsh in their judgements, they had been too flamboyant in their decisions, they had been too -- careless.

i slept at 630.. did a reasonable amount of work. even found time to write two letters to friends of mine. and now i wake up with a terrible headache and with the same skyrocketing temperature. oh wait it has dropped to 39.1degrees! yippee! haha i have an overflowing amount of enthusiasm despite my depleting physical health, but im determined to do something today, to make something of today, so much that i can go to sleep with a smile, and with no regrets.

its a brand new day. here comes the sun.

and i will run to You.
to Your words of truth.


and oh yeah, i hate goodbyes. *sob

realisations
1. too dependent on the people i love
2. easily disappointed
3. stressed
4. tonnes of work awaits me.

anyway about point no.1, i really should curb my dependency on them. cos it mite just hinder their paths or stumble them. and i really should be depending wholy on God. badbadbad me. im already feeling quite terrible. doesnt help that i have a skyrocketing temperature and each time i close my eyes, they burn. i need water i think.

is there someone you love, or loving them so, but taking them all for granted. you may lose them one day, someone takes them away, and they dont hear the words you long to say

from a bread song. so to the people i love.. i love you :)

happy birthday lingx!!!!!
hellohello lingx happy happy birthday dear! its been really great knowing u cos yr so funny and caring at the same time! thanks for the prayers and for the times uve listened to me.. take care okae? have a great day!! love u! ;)

i'm supposed to be cynical and fundamentally screwed. but i have to say that i really felt the spirit of love today! heh and meeting friends or simply just thinking of them kept me happy the entire day! *beams* and its the little things that count. whatever it is, i emphasize yet again, to my friends, to the ones that really matter and mean sth, i love you!

and i will be here for you.

i'm in love!

love, sweet love!
valentines day. year in year out it has held different significances for me. this year, its about celebrating friendship :) to all my friends out there, i love you all!!!! and i really appreciate everything uve done for me!

im going to treasure my friends more and not take them for granted. im going to care for those i really love, and for those who seemingly dont care, i have no words for you. but yeh, i love u all!

orange: hey dearie, oranges forever. uve been a great friend and a lovely pal, life wouldnt be the same without you.. happy valentines little one! love u always!

sometimes people really get too caught up in their relationships, so much that i wonder about my own importance.

but then again, todays lesson was this. its not always about me. i guess i really have been too selfish, to the extent where i am blatant, angry and vulgar at times. and though i just want to convey a simple message across, it becomes angst-ridden and filled with un-necessary vulgarities. for that i apologise. you know who you are. anyway other then that, i find no wrong in what i've done. and aside from that matter, i really need to start caring more for others. instead of being the insensitive fool ive chosen to be for the past two weeks, where ive made NO effort to talk to people i care about, or meet up with people ive been dying to meet up with. plain nonchalence. and ive succeeded for once.

it feels weird to not care. becos deep down inside, i know i do. and i hurt alone trying to resolve the many dire issues in my heart that need to be resolved. something a friend said to me struck me hard this whole week, the only sensible thing ive heard that day. she said that "not only are you running away from your problems, yr running away from God!" and it didnt hit me hard enough until tonight when i sat my lonesome self at the table to think properly and reflect on what she meant.

all this while ive been running on my own strength; hence the tiredness. i really need to depend on God for the things i cannot solve, and i cannot imagine that everything will be okae just by sulking in my room, or being depressed. i have to DO something about it. and i will out to do something about it.

two days ago, while wallowing in my depression, i actually made my mum breakfast and talked to my parents about work and blahblah. and i messaged my mum saying that i hope i made her day slightly better becos i know she works hard for this family, and that i appreciate all that shes done. and her reply was "it indeed was a pleasant surprise. i dont mind working hard as long as you are happy" and i could cry then because it was then i realised the capacity of my parents love for me. truly touching and it motivated me to just work harder and work towards providing them a comfortable life in their old age. this parents issue has been a stumbling block to me in my life, its been sth ive repeatedly refused to deal with, and in my lowest moments, i experienced breakthrough in this area. TRULY, God deserves the highest praise, cos all glory goes to Him.

there are so many things to give thanks for, and so many things to be happy about, so i shall be happier, not because i have to be, but because i WANT to be. :)

happy birthday xuee*!!!!!!
hey girl, happy birthday. you've been a blessing in yr little own way :) take care okae? i pray that ull be happy always! have a great day ahead!! *hugs

it can only get better
i remember evey telling me about some mathematical explanation to feeling better. some y=x curve or something. and i suppose, ive gone down to my worst already for this year and im thankful that im now somewhat more sane. i wouldnt say im happy, or not tired, but im better. so thanks for the prayers and thanks for being concerned, i appreciate it. this round of madness has made me realise many things, and when i was feeling my worst, i decided to call a friend to pray for me right there and then; something ive NEVER done before becos ive always felt it weird to do that, but somehow it seemed necessary. and im so glad she prayed, becos i felt so much better, even tho she was sick, so im saying now, thank you gen! :) and yesterday i had a crazy burden in my heart to pray with someone too, so yeh i did. its been crazy so far, unexpected and uplifting in an odd sorta way, but above all, i thank God.

pau: strength for tomorrow! each day will get better, thanks for all that uve done :)

faith like a child
Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear.

Dear God, don't let me fall apart
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched
for answers I can't understand.

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them falling to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe with Faith Like a Child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the
recklessness I walked in light of you

jars of clay - faith like a child

wow for once ive actually stayed awake for 24hours straight. amazing.
and i have this devillish grin on my face now, almost smug, but not nearly annoying.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
headed for a nervous breakdown.. ooh reached!

ok, i cant sleep. feeling so agitated.

dear God, i pray for peace. i really need Your help! divine intervention!! :(:(

everytime i try to be happy, someone snatches it away from me. its not about being negative anymore, its not about giving yr best in whatever u do; cos whatever you do, it doesnt matter!! no way. u can put in yr 100percent and it gets thrown back into yr face like a pie. i wish i could sweep all the people that i dont like under the carpet [and if yr thinking im talking abt u.. its not u.] u can give yr all, but SO WHAT?!

like louisa gradgrind in the novel hard times, i only have this to say.

"WHAT DOES IT MATTER??"

i'm upset.

and its 4 freaking AM.

a pau a day keeps the blues away : happy pau day!

haha today is the day where my paupau turns 22! anyway happy birthday angie!!!!!!! u really have made a difference in my life. during camp, after camp, even till now, its been a real blessing having you around and knowing you! like i said before, yr special to me, and will always be! enjoy yr special day cos yr the best :) i love u always my funky koala! c'mon everyone, three cheers for steaming_hOtz!! :):):)

anyway photos for february the first and [back2schoolblast] are up! check it out here

back to school blast!

it was a whole lot of fun, everyone looked good and it was just an enjoyable time! celebrating angie and kairen's birthday, the food was good, especially the "boiling crab" done by steaming hotz and yrs truly [ will elaborate later ] and of cos the cake was mind-blowing [literally] haha. it was sorta like the best "og" gathering we could ever have, like different schools coming together for one big celebration, but it was really fun, and it made me reminicise about my rgs days and how i miss those days so so so much!! okay really tired, will continue more later! :)

"You do something to me that I can´t explain.
so would I be out of line if i said, I miss you"

lazy saturday, hardly any reason for me to be at home, going to kai's house soon to help him and angie cook.. its going to be fun, plus all the uniforms for the back to school party thingy.. it'll be a smash i know. heh. anyway happy birthday kai! yr a big boy now! haha.. i really want to get out somewhere, no place certain, just somewhere i can scream and empty all my frustrations to. maybe even a someone would do, but for now, im somewhat contented. stay tuned for the back-to-school-photos! cant hardly wait.

if you want me to care, den for GOODNESS SAKE, pls let me know why yr down! argh

birthdays galore!!
to zach and sk, happy birthday dearies!! its been great knowing you guys and uve certainly lighted up my life in different ways. u guys will always be special to me and i hope that we'll be friends for a long time. thanks for everything you've done and i appreciate it lots! love u guys both!! :)

to bERt! haha funnyman! man o man o man o man!! yr finally 18!! so old huh. haha come to think of it im only two months older!! haha.. anyway have a great day today and its been a blessing knowing you! thanks so much for encouraging me always and edging me on!! all e best in all u do and everything yeh?? take care.. im glad to call u my pal! :)

Some things just do not need explanation. There is no plausible way to tell anyone else that people in general are idiosynchrasies of deceptive lies. The way things go about like a deadly virus, that infects anyone and everyone at sight, the way unheard truths snake in on unsuspecting victims, to corrupt their young innocent lives at their whim and fancy. We are often susceptible to fall dangerously within the contains of deceit and callous remarks. We often let judgement rule our live with exceeding pride. There is no space for theatrical magic or despondent cries, it is all but plain simplicity, the ironic terminology that defines life as a lie. Each day we live is but a coerced image of false happiness and delighted soul-rubbing joy. When will we truly be set free from the condemnation the world eyes us intensely with?

This particular issue here is indeed tricky and definitely intricate. The right words must be said each time, the right sentences must be spoken with passion and deliberation. Forgive me not, for I am but a pawn in life’s demanding deception. This race that we run is a race against time, a race that brings the best out of some of us, and also unfortunately brings the worst out in us. That is the dam irony. That we have no control or whatsoever over our paths and choices that dictate the way we live our own lives. Our lives are but dancing interludes of pictorial playouts. The way each story plays out has a different outline, has a different way of presentation. That is what makes us different, that each of us must have the freewill to create our own masterpiece and of course to create love, the centrepiece of it all.

Rhythms of creative dance pattern and waves of magical interludes flood the room like uncharged emotions searching intently for its restrained release. Pushing against our conscience and mind-intensifying mysteries, our minds become a myriad of clueless anticipation.

Tell me, when will we be free?

i hate goodbyes.

even when the guys go into army, theres this pull at my heartstrings! owell. anyway my current state of mind is somewhat good. woke up on the right side of the bed this morning. yesterday was badbadbad but today will be goodgoodgood! *smiles*

sometimes i wonder how i have this insane amount of optimism in me even tho life isnt going the way i want it too! but yeh dont worry be happy yeh? :) anyway ive lost a kilo. poooot! yay!

and i miss you.

easy listening
i miss you by incubus
displaced by azure ray
the blower's daughter by damien rice
here without you by three doors down
wherever you go by the calling
my sacrifice by creed
the widowing field by jars of clay
i'm still here by johnny rzeznik
yellow by coldplay
cannonball by damien rice
the scientist by coldplay
harder to breathe by maroon 5
tea and sympathy by jars of clay
walking after you by foo fighters

had one hour of sleep as told. very very tired now. haha.. during cluster time the ice breaker, felt very disheartened, but thanks to my dear dory, she helped to keep my spirits up and about just for cluster time. so i held thru it with a dying spirit and a hurting heart, but i managed to handle cell well i think. went to breko's with almost the entire cluster and then headed to angie's house with kairen to attempt to sleep. haha came to naught. we spent most of the time messing up her room probably and teasing her.. sorry paupau u know i dont mean it!!! :) yeh then went to sk's house for his dinner party thing and ended up dozing off upstairs! sorry sk.. i really wanted to be there in a more awake state! yeh okay time for this exhausted boo to sleep!

anyway dory, thanks. thats all i can say!! but u know it meant alot! :)