sometimes people really get too caught up in their relationships, so much that i wonder about my own importance.

but then again, todays lesson was this. its not always about me. i guess i really have been too selfish, to the extent where i am blatant, angry and vulgar at times. and though i just want to convey a simple message across, it becomes angst-ridden and filled with un-necessary vulgarities. for that i apologise. you know who you are. anyway other then that, i find no wrong in what i've done. and aside from that matter, i really need to start caring more for others. instead of being the insensitive fool ive chosen to be for the past two weeks, where ive made NO effort to talk to people i care about, or meet up with people ive been dying to meet up with. plain nonchalence. and ive succeeded for once.

it feels weird to not care. becos deep down inside, i know i do. and i hurt alone trying to resolve the many dire issues in my heart that need to be resolved. something a friend said to me struck me hard this whole week, the only sensible thing ive heard that day. she said that "not only are you running away from your problems, yr running away from God!" and it didnt hit me hard enough until tonight when i sat my lonesome self at the table to think properly and reflect on what she meant.

all this while ive been running on my own strength; hence the tiredness. i really need to depend on God for the things i cannot solve, and i cannot imagine that everything will be okae just by sulking in my room, or being depressed. i have to DO something about it. and i will out to do something about it.

two days ago, while wallowing in my depression, i actually made my mum breakfast and talked to my parents about work and blahblah. and i messaged my mum saying that i hope i made her day slightly better becos i know she works hard for this family, and that i appreciate all that shes done. and her reply was "it indeed was a pleasant surprise. i dont mind working hard as long as you are happy" and i could cry then because it was then i realised the capacity of my parents love for me. truly touching and it motivated me to just work harder and work towards providing them a comfortable life in their old age. this parents issue has been a stumbling block to me in my life, its been sth ive repeatedly refused to deal with, and in my lowest moments, i experienced breakthrough in this area. TRULY, God deserves the highest praise, cos all glory goes to Him.

there are so many things to give thanks for, and so many things to be happy about, so i shall be happier, not because i have to be, but because i WANT to be. :)