funny how i feel, more myself with you
then anybody else that i ever knew
i hear it in yr voice, i see it in your face
you've become a memory that i cant erase.

taken from carole king's anyone at all quite tired now. gonna sleep soon. have a long day ahead. dont ask why im awake, but i have a loooong day tomorrow. crap. and i am gonna like have one hour's worth of sleep? dont know why, but i dont seem to be looking forward to seeing anyone tomorrow. maybe its just me and my crazy nonchalent state. ta!

the musician who tries to speak, yet no one hears
they say that as long as u have passion and a reasonable amount of skill, you are a musician. as musicians we all strive to improve yes? as musicians we all long to be heard. its subtle and inconspicuous, but we all long to be heard. even if we're composers, writers, actors, we long to be heard. i know that i write music because i want to vocalise my thoughts on paper and i want to remember the train of thoughts running through my head. and as for playing music, sometimes we play accordingly to our emotions. if we're angry, there's agressiveness, and our notes become louder, or the level of our strumming intensity increases. if we're sad, or maybe even unbothered, theres a melancholic air of disregard when we play, where playing is our only means of escape for that few moments, where playing or writing releases all the pent up frustrations in us all. maybe thats why i enjoy writing, and playing. because it allows me to be expressive, allows me to really say what i feel and not hide behind the facade of forced conversations and have to bear with the exchanging of pleasantries. i don't know what ive been doing, or saying. and im tired of being quiet. i dont mean it literally. on the outside YES im bubbly and happy and on occasions, very optimistic. sometimes i really am, but i need courage to speak up more how i feel and not what i think people would want to hear from me. if im not okay i have to learn to say YEAH im not okay, instead of smiling it away.

just now there was a moment where i felt so insulted and upset when my comments about bass music were dismissed with laughter, and i felt ridiculed. and i took it out by smashing away on the drums, venting all my frustrations. it was a culmination of all the angst and frustrations ive been feeling since last night. and i left, feeling reallly stupid and childish. and then there was a moment where i had so much to say to someone, but i couldnt bring myself to say anything in relation to that, replacing it with simple trivialities instead. and i feel so foolish. its my lack of expression that makes me so incomplete at times. i dont know if u all will understand, but be it music, dance, acting or singing, for me, its where i am who i am, real and empty, and everything isnt just an act, dance or performance.

im going to blog because i really had an enjoyable night, but some news really has thwarted my entire night. and the mere fact that i cant do anything about it pisses the shit out of me.

owell anyway today i met klem for lunch at scotts. it was a good chat, went to kino to browse and den i went to register for my exams. which was horrifying because i realise now that i have a dam lot to study for. and im currently not very motivated. the cost is high and thats the only thing that will motivate me to work harder, because i dont want to waste my parents money. argh, still agitated. actually my day wasnt very good lah. agggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhh.

yeh the salvaging part of today was my evening with the girlfriends. it was REALLY great to see all of them. and i really enjoyed myself just bitching with them, chatting with them and just recalling all our rg memories! i was such a terror! haha.. but yeh it was enjoyable.. havent laughed like that for awhile and it didnt feel weird at all. i had such a great time talking to them and just takin photos. miss them so much maybe thats why. haha especially shupedoobedoo! haha havent seen her in two years man, really good to see her. yup. still as shrilly and high pitched, but still every bit of the fun-loving person she is! yeh and the rest havent really changed much, junlin mellowed down quite a bit, crystals still the same!!! "my hairs like a lions mane!!" heh so funny. yeh to all of you guys, thanks for a lovely evening.. ill see u all at hari-raya in my sareee! hahahaha but thanks, love u guys!

that was the only high lah. met paupau for awhile, always good to see her. but i guess nothing really prepared me for the news i was gonna hear when i got home. sadness. :( haii gonna sleep and try to feel better. i must remain positive and optimistic!! :)

i dont know whether to get irritated or to be happy abt the rain. haha its smtimes really annoying and inconvenient, yet sometimes its the perfect time to sit down with a book and nice music and just sit yrself in bed with a hot cuppa tea. mmmmm.. but eep im not doing that now. just picturing it alone seems heavenly. anyway i have abs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the top two!! haha ok what a bimbo thing man.. all that sit ups proved to be effective! FINALLY.

the red sea isnt so heavy now haha okok too much info. but my stomachaches and whathaveyous are getting better. the sudden pangs of pain are less now thankfully. hahaha why am i laughing? dunno. bored. haha crazy i tell u.. anyway todays one-liner!

rain rain go away, come again on my period day!

dwangggggg. haha dont ask who this infamous quote came from. have a good day y'all!

feeling fragile.

its tough to be on a mission in which you are fully confident, extremely determined to work hard, and decided on certain issues; and yet have the people who supposedly know you the best put you down and tell you that you cant do it. they look at you with questioning eyes, with uncertainty clearly evident and it just breaks down all the confidence you once had.

for ONCE, i wish that i could have the authority to decide for myself. for ONCE, i wish i could just will away all that rising uncertainty and actually not care about what others think. its tough isnt it? i keep trying, and i keep falling. and its NOT because im stupid lazy or unwilling. its simply because i cant take the crumbling pressure others put on me.

its always easy to say, dont give a shit abt what others think.

it matters! of cos it does. if not why do people say things in the first place if their opinion isnt gonna matter? everytime i will myself to be numb, i cant.

and then i wear my mask of the day, go out and smile, and life goes on.

what could have potentially been a bad night turned out to be a pretty smashin night :)
might sleep early despite my hundred hours of sleep already today. heh.
only bad thing left is PMS. haha one-liner for today.

"why didn't God send down Moses to part MY red SEA?!!!"

heh i know.. its gross. other den that, plus misunderstood affections gone crazily wrong, its been an enjoyable night :)

conclusions of cny
some random aunty who i havent the clue as to what her name is comes up to me and tells me.
"wahhh you really slimmmed down alot ah.."
me gives incredulous face and wonders how the heckers does she know me and when did she see me FAT?! so i proceed to ask with obvious astonishment in my eyes like when was that? and she replies every so strangely.
"wahhhh it must be about ten years now al-leh-dy.. *snortles*"
-faints- RIGGHHHT im SURE! i was like dammm skinny in pri school and i dont recall meeting dis strange woman at all!! maybe she got the wrong kid. haha.. other den that, there were a few strange women who came up to me during the sat cny thingy and asked me about how i found the educational system in singapore like!?!!!
like HI?? its chinese new year, not national day rallyyy. hahaha and yes i love the way that woman says already as al-leh-dy haha goodness.

then i check my friendster and my ex classmates from like sec4 who i havent seen since err.. sec4? haha they message me sth like this
"OOOOHHHHMIIIGOOOOOODDDDD! is that YOU?!!!!! you loooook so much betttter now! couldnt recognise you!!!" *bangs head on the wall* ok, that means i look like frankenstein before lah. *insulted.

hahaha and of cos what alex quek says takes the cake.
after not seeing him for about two years plus... when i finally see him, i greet him with an enthusiastic hello! and he says this..
"hello, last time i saw you, you were a boy"
*FAINTS* hahaha i admit being tomboyish but....... hahaha sheesh. yup just some one-liners that has made my cny very errrr interesting haha.

slept just now so not very sleepy now. hungry in fact. abs have disappeared mysteriously..[ did they even exist!?] must be all the cny food. hmmm. gonna start on driving soon i reckon. gonna be a slack week i hope! *dances* anyway onto the serious stuff.. cluster and cell today was very refreshing.. saw things that touched my heart, and shared stuff really personal to me. later some messaged me to tell me that they could identify with what i shared during cluster.. :) thats really all that matters.. :) and it makes all those angstypangsty frustrations with cell and cluster thingys disappear and it just makes me think.

its all worth it. definitely.

praise God! for the week would have been unbearable if not for different people and different situations that seem to help ease my sadness or whathaveyous. oooh looking forward to watching vcds and slackin all e way for a week or so!! heh.. yeh babYyYyY! hahah

i hate the nights.

i love everypart of the day except the nights. because thats when i feel the loneliest and the most empty. so i occupy myself with mindless things, and i go about watching stupid television for two three hours before i finally drift off to sleep. otherwise, i'll talk on the phone till im really tired. even if my days are busy and tiring, i hate it when im walking home from the bus stop, or taking a bus home. theres this deep sense of nothingness in me, and i feel so... alone.

maybe its just deep-rooted in me. that no matter what, there never seems to be anything tangible that can fill up that emptiness in me. no matter how happy i try to be, i think happy thoughts, i sing happy songs, but nonetheless, its still the same.

just now i was taking a bus home from holland vee, and i accidently got off at gen's bus stop instead of the main road one. and as i walked to 7-11 and then to the other bus stop, i couldnt help but feel melancholic and sad. dunno lah.

thats why i treasure every moment i spend with a friend, family or whoever. becos it means alot to me and yeh.. dont know how to explain. but today in itself was a fairly good day. the rain made it very gloomy and sian, but yeh got thru it all slightly happier!

chinese new year so far has been.. filling? ive been eating so much i swear im gonna start looking like norleena salim. oh dear me. anyway it wasnt as plastic as i thot it might or would be. in fact, i spent most of today just chilling in my room with my cousins. but really quite tired now, and strangely hungry! i have to curb my spending. its getting out of hand. i better take that mediacorp job again so that i can earn money TO spend. haha. anyway just came back from watching last samurai with the church guys. the whole gang was there again.. hh, mark, yanting, brian, vinz, clem, wendy, my bro, sueanne and ian. decided not to join them for supper.. kinda really tired.

anyway.. i miss paupau!! :( haha sadness, at least i hope she's enjoying herself in sydney haha.. okay, time to bathe and hit the sack! early visiting tmrw maybe? i hear chilli crabs are on the menu for lunch! yummy! :)

lastly, happy cny all of you!!

i miss the cows in the world who are important to me.
very much.

ok today was good! leisurely and slow. was woken up by pau at 9am! before she left....... bleh. haha and den slept till 1230 before meeting my cousin for lunch at raffles city cafe cartel! yummy! haha den went to check out some papers and stuff, den met zac! ooh we went to spagheddies to eat the calamari! yummmy! haha den we headed down to meet renita. heh had thai express, was a fiery experience. haha den went back so tired! buttttt...... i went to the gym! clocked a one hour workout so yup happy.. did 200 situps! haha now aching. haha okay happyhappyhappy!

oooh anyway some of my plans for the next six months or so!
1. learn french properly!
2. driving! wooohoooo driving!
3. learn the bass properly too!
4. breakdance! its good! keeps me healthy!
5. hit the gym. need to get rid of waist pouches:( haha
6. meet friends i havent seen in a dam long time!

yeh! yay!

the last two weeks have been...... i cant find an appropriate word to describe it! but all in all, it was a time of learning. painful lessons, joyful times, agonising moments, laughing, crying, been there done that. and to top it off, my exams are over! i must say that these exams havent been an easy one. maybe its spiritual warfare, but everytime i have a paper, or 3 on one day, something very upsetting happens the day before, and i get all angstypangsty and wretched, and hence -- lack of concentration. i know myself and i know i wont do exceptionally well, or even well for that matter. but this time, theres less self expectations, and im just happy to leave it to God.

and i was actually wondering how some of my closer friends cant really be bothered when i really needed them. but den again now, i couldnt care less! because, thats the fragility of relationships or friendships, and nowadays, its seemingly easier to be numb. am slowly discovering who really are my friends, and who will never turn me away when i call.

so its time to kick off my shoes, turn up diana krall and laura fygi and really for once, relax.

its been a long time, really long time. i need time to myself. :)

anyway paupau is going sydney tmrw! haha.. gonna miss that piece of dim sum. haha

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

okay, today was a day of experimenting? haha played soccer with the guys and some girls. was stuck as the goalie at first cos men being men wouldnt allow a pyjama-clad lady to play anywhere else:( haha joking lah. had a good team with kelvin, kwanghow, john, jimmy and adrian! haha so yeh i saved one good attempt! haha and got hit a dozen other times. ow. haha den when finally i was allowed to play upfield cos jimmy made a better keeper.. yay! i played even worst and had my left foot third and fourth toe crushed like a pineapple! owwwwww! so now its nicely blue and purple! haha but it was good, and i enjoy soccer cos its so competitive. better start learning how to play properly again, and den next time i can enjoy myself more! :)

and adrea im sorry abt kicking the ball right into yr stomach................................... *sheepish*

ok, i absolutely cannot go on like this.

i cannot and must not make anyone else unhappy becos of me.

i cannot and must not mope around too much. i must get back on my two little feet and scream and stand tall! at the same time be boxed up and thrown into the ceiling[a remedy paupau offers to help with..] and lastly..

i must be strong.

a few months back when i was feeling jaded, you said that you were genuinely concerned.
well, genuinely concerned MY ASS!!!

i cry a silent tear.

-.-

dont trust anybody. seems to ring a familiar bell huh?

talked to browncow, winston and pau. now feeling better.

ok apart from feeling extremely and totally useless, i feel fine.

ok im lying. i feel like the most incapable person ever alive.

hello dr pepper and loud music, here i come.

in the secret, in the quiet place
in the stillness You are there.

Lord help me to run to You not only when i'm weak but when i'm joyful. Lord hold me as i struggle to find my balance in this world, i cant seem to reach concrete ground, but i pray You'll lift me up into the shadows of Your wings. For in the stillness, You are there, and i praise You for who You are! amen :)

"whats the point in loving you when your every waking moment is spent destroying me...?"

i'll get by today with a placid smile, and ill become torpid once again. reduced to the wastes of this earth, raging against the consuming decadence. what can i do? if loving someone is so painful, why does anyone love at all? how i long to be like Louisa in the novel Hard Times. i could just push away everything, hurt silently and be..

utterly indifferent, perfectly self-reliant, never at a loss, and yet never at ease.

but what do u know? i still miss you all the same.

oooh, totally wrong time to get distracted. *slaps myself*
BEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stoppit.

"i love the way you make me so happy
i love the way you make me smile just by being you.
but what hurts is that i'll never get to love you."

today was in every way very good! i was extremely tired tho. you would be too if u studied overnight at the airport! heh but did alot, pleased with myself. but again all glory to God alone. couldnt have done it without His strength! went up for altar call and im so glad paupau and winston were there to pray for me.. thanks guys! and yeah it was just a final release of really letting go? letting my exams go too.. not anticipating any longer as to the outcome.. ill just do my best! yeah. gonna wake up real early to just study really hard tomorrow before the papers, gonna get a good rest tonight for once!

cluster party was great, got to know more people, the younger ones, and i had lotsa fun disturbing dory! haha a conversation between us went something like this during the hunter squirrel game.
her: name age school?
me: errr boo, errr monsters inc? bedroom! yes bedroom! and err im 5!
her: haha i'm dory, i live in the sea, and i have NO IDEA how old i am!!

hahaa super funny! and we kept changing name tags.. yup. really inspired to lead the younger ones, even tho i considered taking a break, i feel God is gonna move really powerfully in our cluster, and im looking forward to it! yup.. ok, cant stop smiling, yet my heart aches! haha

You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
Well, you were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

I lie down and blind myself with laughter
Well, a quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don't have the power

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

--

ive posted this song many times before, but the same thing still remains. i still miss you. and i wish i could see u soon, maybe even now? or tomorrow or maybe next week? but i know it wouldnt happen. bleH.

ok im officially quite satisfied with this skin cos its nice and orange! and orange is a happy colour! yes im up im up!! heh going to have to do some stuff first before i head down to marine parade to study! haha den going for fcbc service! woot* yay. havent gone in a really long while.. anyway i feel calmer today, and i think i shall post a pic! yes i shall! hehe in fact i shall post a few!!! ;)


haha thats paupau, me, and lockey!

me and orange! i like this picture alotalot!! :)

yah, we so can like form a band, like now? like oh my gosh! haha gen and me.

ok, im quite sure ive gone mad. haha its 430 in the morning and im still up. and for what u may ask?

blogskins!? goodness. haha so trendy huh? cant believe it kept me up till now.

like hi? im supposed to be tired?!! hahaha.. now im off to bed. ciaos!

ok, im alot better.

my paper didnt go very well, not as well as i expected it to go, but nevertheless, i still praise God for letting the question i spotted come out! amen to that!!

and i have so much to be thankful for. i realised today how difficult it was to give God all the glory even in times of doubt, and im thankful for breakthrough today, cos i was able to just let go and give God the glory! so no matter the outcome, im still thankful :)

i hate it when there's a preoccupation with 'set' and 'proper' procedures, and my inability to act with flexibility within defined circumstances makes me a critical, cynical bitch.

i hate it when my exam's just an hour away but people dont have the slightest bit of consideration to not aggravate me. oh wait, im not supposed to be self-centered, for this is NOT about me yes?

i hate it when i've gone all out to prepare for this exam and i was in the happiest of moods, but now its wrecked and i havent the damnest desire to do this exam anymore.

i hate it when people fail to see the bigger picture, and instead, paint themselves a smaller secular view of what they think is right. dammit cant they see its not abt themselves and that the world doesnt revolve around you.

im upset. ARGH.

goodness. my exam is in like six hours and all i can think about is you.

and its embarrassing how much i miss you. ARGHHHHHHH.

im still happy and lighthearted.. just that ive once told a friend before that the worst feeling i can have is missing a person.. and here we go!!

but the battle is nearing.. i must go and prepare! ;)

Glory
Great is the Lord God almighty
Great is the Lord on high
The train of His robe fills the temple
and we cry out highest praise!!

Glory to the risen king
glory to the Son
glorious Son

Lift up your hands
open the doors
let the king
of glory come in
and forever be our God

Holy is the Lord God almighty
holy is the Lord on high
let all the earth bow before You
and crown You Lord of all

ok, i should stop all these cryptic-smile-on-yr-face one-liners. haha.

life has been good. or should i say great? :) i love the way things are working out the way they are.. everything seems so.. beautiful? been studying quite a bit.. doing alot, quite happy with my progress. its not enough i think, but itll get better, yup itll only get better.

ive found the time to be honest with people over the weekend, to tell dem how i really feel abt certain things, and i guess it really helps me in feeling less burdened. i feel alot more free-er. i wouldnt say im happy, but i would say im happier. anyway watching cameron diaz shows makes me smile and im not talking abt charlies angels.. heh. reading books too can be a good remedy for the tired mind.. dont ask me why.. its a little warped. but yeah, been doing things to relax myself. been going out for leisure meals, hitting the gym, swimming.. doing all sorta things i havent done in awhile.. and its relaxing for the mind i tell you. :)

life is good, and i can only praise God for this.

because God has been FAITHFUL! and ill say amen to that, glory to GOD in the HIGHEST!!

i woke up this morning with a smile on my face :)

someone has a soft spot for me. ;)

ive learnt so much today.
cant wait to share!! ;)

will wait for tomo.

I can't find the rhyme in all my reason
Lost sense of time and all seasons
Feel I've been beaten down
By the words of men who have no grounds
Can't sleep beneath the trees of wisdom
When your ax has cut the roots that feed them
Forked tongues in bitter mouths
Can drive a man to bleed from inside out

What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?

I've seen the wicked fruit of your vine
Destroy the man who lacks a strong mind
Human pride sings a vengeful song
Inspired by the times you've been walked on
My stage is shared by many millions
Who lift their hands up high because they feel this
We are one We are strong
The more you hold us down the more we press on

What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?

I know I can't hold the hate inside my mind
'Cause what consumes your thoughts controls your life
So I'll just ask a question
A lonely simple question
I'll just ask one question
What if? What if?
What if? What if?
What If I?

What if? What if?
What if? What if?
What If I?

What if? What if?
What if? What if?
What If I?

What if? What if?
What if? What if?
What If I?

What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?

What if your words could be judged like a crime?

What if? What if?
What if? What if?
What If I?

What if? What if?
What if? What if?
What If I?

What if? What if?
What if? What if?
What If I?

What if? What if?
What if? What if?
What If I?

today im angry at myself.

angry for being so hypocritical [and knowing it..], angry for being such a bad influence, and angry at my own incompetence. guess my heart wasnt really there during worship prac even tho i really wished it to be, and i was just playing the guitar because i had to. but i really do want to do it well, to play properly, jus that i was kinda really distracted. owell. need to be more strict with myself, and to control my fluctuating emotions.

went to jumbo for supper, didnt go chalet in the end cos it was too far and i have a wedding tmrw to play for. yeah just sat around at e playground with angie jeremy and joseph.. just talking shit and playing on the slides and all. yeah.

back to childhood innocence. dammit, i long for it.

happy new year!!!
one year has passed! and so quickly it was! really thankful for so many things. wrote a little thingy on what has been happening in my life the past year and yepp u can click here to take a look. haha but check it out after midnight or something cos im not done yet. anyway yeah and also covenant service photos here

ta for now, be back soon!