the musician who tries to speak, yet no one hears
they say that as long as u have passion and a reasonable amount of skill, you are a musician. as musicians we all strive to improve yes? as musicians we all long to be heard. its subtle and inconspicuous, but we all long to be heard. even if we're composers, writers, actors, we long to be heard. i know that i write music because i want to vocalise my thoughts on paper and i want to remember the train of thoughts running through my head. and as for playing music, sometimes we play accordingly to our emotions. if we're angry, there's agressiveness, and our notes become louder, or the level of our strumming intensity increases. if we're sad, or maybe even unbothered, theres a melancholic air of disregard when we play, where playing is our only means of escape for that few moments, where playing or writing releases all the pent up frustrations in us all. maybe thats why i enjoy writing, and playing. because it allows me to be expressive, allows me to really say what i feel and not hide behind the facade of forced conversations and have to bear with the exchanging of pleasantries. i don't know what ive been doing, or saying. and im tired of being quiet. i dont mean it literally. on the outside YES im bubbly and happy and on occasions, very optimistic. sometimes i really am, but i need courage to speak up more how i feel and not what i think people would want to hear from me. if im not okay i have to learn to say YEAH im not okay, instead of smiling it away.

just now there was a moment where i felt so insulted and upset when my comments about bass music were dismissed with laughter, and i felt ridiculed. and i took it out by smashing away on the drums, venting all my frustrations. it was a culmination of all the angst and frustrations ive been feeling since last night. and i left, feeling reallly stupid and childish. and then there was a moment where i had so much to say to someone, but i couldnt bring myself to say anything in relation to that, replacing it with simple trivialities instead. and i feel so foolish. its my lack of expression that makes me so incomplete at times. i dont know if u all will understand, but be it music, dance, acting or singing, for me, its where i am who i am, real and empty, and everything isnt just an act, dance or performance.