i'm trading my sorrows!

friendship
it really is a myth you know. unexpected, sometimes never-changing and most of the time steadfast. its hard to find a true friend who will not only weather storms with you, but will also stay behind to repair ur sail! and ultimately to be the one companion that you would so love to have again. ive been thinking as to what classifies as being a good fren, thats when i realise that hey if that person really is a good fren, all her power qualities would be over-looked and what u would see would be who she/he really is and u would be truly satisfied as to what u see.. the pure heart, the pure goodness. friendship is sth so fragile, ironically it can make one very insecure and also secure at the same time. im trying to comprehend my thoughts, trying to summarise it down into a short paragraph.

but as liana told me before sometimes the best friends are the kind where u can just sit there for hours, not say a thing and feel like you just had the best conversation of ur life. cliche as it may sound, it really is so true. how often can we find frens who will bring the house down just to do sth for you? how often can we find frens that will shout out words of encouragement every time we need it? or whisper comforting words into our ears everytime we feel that the world is collapsing down on us? we sometimes take things for granted, often looking pass the fact that friends were sent by God to make life a little more bearable.. a little more sweeter and maybe just maybe a little more hopeful.

friends who have come and go, just like the wind that cascades gently across one's face, they'll never be back. maybe they did make u feel happy for a certain point of time, but true happiness is found in friends you know that are gonna be there for a lifetime. they're gonna watch u cry, watch u shout, watch u tear and watch u laugh, and they're gonna be there to congratulate u at ur graduation, give u a pat on the back when uve done sth wonderful, or just simply say i love u when u most need it :)

i am happy! superbly happy! i went out this morning..around 10.. to meet mooky! we had breakfast..talked alot of rubbish, took very stupid pictures and had lotsa fun! browncow(sue ann) was supposed to meet us at 10 too.. but she kinda woke up at uh..1045! haha..lousycow! haha so we decided to go ps and walkwalk abit.. the moment we stepped out of macs..the stupid lady jumped on us from the back! haha..so great to see her again! havent met up with her for goodness knows how long! yup..den we walked to ps..den shopped a bit.. mooky bought a polo tee..an extremely good buy!! haha good on ya! den we just took more stupid photos, the three of us..static ppl haha.. and den after that i had to go back! but it was enjoyable man. i miss those two cows like mad! and wont be seeing them for awhile too! yup! tkcare to both of dem! :)

power vocals
oh what an amazing day! it was long..really long. but actually very interesting and fun! fun would actually be an understatement:) i had tuition first, by gracie. thanks gracie. :) and den i went for an audition sounding like the ghost of christmas past! but still it went quite ok! phew. then i went to meet ailing and daph in church for some bible study thing..pity i could only stay for a short while, den had to rush off to meet sillyboy bertrand! haha taught him a bit of guitar heh and den we talked..and mostly just relaxed by the kallang river! it was so beautiful. it was really quiet, precisely why it added to the whole serenity of it all. very relaxing.

den i came home first cos i had no money and bert sent me back in a cab..he paid! so nice :) den i rushed to town for dinner with winzee..good too! we talked alot..havent been talking. today seems like a reuniting day! haha den went for worship prac..den was singing outside my house with onz for an hour or so! power vocals man! she really can stretch her vocals to the max..and surprisingly my harmonies complimented her singing! yay! haha was so happy. havent been so high for awhile. tmrw meeting mooky and browncow. yikes. havent seen both for super long!

anyway i realise i havent written much thought-provoking stuff recently. and right now, if u havent noticed, im a in a mood to write, of cos i will subconsciously try to amaze u all with my supposedly good english, but i would just end up talking rubbish..so nevermind. haha

anyway i was just reading some daily bread just now and the topic was "who we are in Christ" I realise that over the past few months i have been putting so much emphasis on being "real" and all, and being who u really are. but i guess, ultimately, it is impossible! no one can be real..all the time! even i. i paint a mask every morning to school, remove it, den paint another one when i go to church or some other place. hard as i may try to deny my superficiality, it is subconsciously present in all of us. so whats this all about? just being who we are in Christ. just being a testimony to others, being real in God's eyes. becos how u behave, what u are is what God truly sees? even if we're a criminal sitting in jail for repeated offences, God looks at our heart and who we really are in Him! whether our hearts are set right for Him. i really wanto reach a point where one day, it doesnt matter how ppl judge me, it doesnt matter what ppl say about me.. and all that matters is the judgement perceived in God's eyes. that is so difficult u know? cos we after all are..human beings! and we blame the "nature" of human beings for shaping the way we are now.. like how we let say.. lying, be a habit.. "oh its just one lie.. big deal" it leads on. and only if we allow it to become part of our lives. God did not give us sin and we must do our very best to be pleasing in God's eyes, which would be hell difficult. but let us all try for a start? try not swearing that much.. try putting a limit on how much u spend, try not telling ur little white lies too much.. just curb a little. im trying! its hard, but.. the results are..amazing!:)

see? ive babbled on and on without realising it. i dont really know what im talking about..my points are sorta all over the place. crap. haha. hopefully ppl reading this will gain new insights from this. yeah yeah.. haha ya right! uh ok, nvm..hehe gonna sleep. beky is sleepy :)

there's a bug going around. i've got flu, fever, sore throat, the works. and i just recovered from my eye infection.. looks like it sorta passed all over the body. i woke up this morning feeling super feverish and my nose was running faster den a bullet train, i can count the number of BOXES i used last nite. haha yeah but i woke up early enough to smell the coffee again :) so that was refreshing, altho i have a blocked nose..so wasnt sure whether i did smell coffee or not, but yes the sunrise was beautiful :) 4 more days to that dreaded day. sigh i really dont wanto go, but hell no i dont have a choice

anyway i havent had lunch and i feel so cranky, just a tad bit nauseated. yup okay lah at least i have been doing work today.. history tutorials and maths tutorials! yay done. and readings for lit. actually did a gp essay! wow! haha :) anyway im really not feeling too good.. think if im not that well, i wont even be able to go for worship prac on friday, and i really want to go!! yeah.. ill pray :)

i woke up at an un-earthly hour again today. around 5. stayed awake till my sister woke up and den me and my brother sent her to school. felt so strange to be up so early, it was rather familiar tho, the morning. the trees were shaking slightly as the wind cascaded gently pass my face, i could taste the saltiness in the air, and there was a delicious aroma of frying bacon, sausages and eggs. when we were driving in i saw the familiar path i would take as i walked down to rgs. it was so deja vu. i came home to the smell of brewed coffee, its essence filling every square inch of the house, what a delight! and oh yes. i did see the sunrise, and it was amazing, beautiful and splendous. The rays of sun edging out slowly behind fluffy blue clouds. heh. i love mornings. im hardly awake most of the time. by the time im up and about, its almost 8 or 9, and i would have missed all of this wonderful sights and smells.

i feel strangely sedate. quite in the mood of not doing anything. been trying to bum.. unsuccessfully. everytime i try to bum i would just feel the itch to DO something. so i would get out of bed, grab my guitar and play a few songs, with my croaking, horrible and smwhat transvestite-like voice again. i would feel really happy with whatever i've played and would try to "feel" some inspiration to write a song..den i realise, all my tunes sound the same. ha! so i would give up and go back to sleep.

i was reading my bible. there was this verse about God being the God of comfort. i cant remember which one it is but i will post it up asap. and there's another verse that goes sth like "for our light and momentary problems are..." and it goes on, but i cant remember, ay, my failing memory. anyway yes its a very good verse, relates alot to my life. God is a God of comfort and I know i will pull thru whatever happens, no matter what, becos simply God is God, and i should let God BE God.

one mistake. maybe thats all it takes.

and yes its true. God wants to bring u down to ur lowest point such that u feel so miserable u cant do anything else but seek Him. one week more. one week more to that total drastic dreaded day. i feel so.. lost? i feel like i can't concentrate on anything for now. God truly wants us to feel like we have nothing left.. and we are NOTHING without Him. when frens desert us, when frens leave, ignore or choose to remain elusive, what can i do? nothing. i'll just ponder over whether that mistake was really worth it and whether i can say or do anything to justify it.

do u hav any idea how much condemnation it has on my life? i bet not. do u know how guilty i feel abt it?i myself feel like i have done so much wrong to myself and to those around me i care abt so dearly. it feels like all the effort ive put in the past month has been wasted. futile. FUTILE it is. its really strange how the people i love the most can ironically make me feel the worst.

whata day it has been. tiring, exhausting yet incredibly fun. i woke up at an un-earthly hour.. around 7 and i slept again till 11. haha. after getting some things done in school i headed to sarah's house. went there we had lotsa fun, played ping pong with photo albums against her cupboards and i spent half the time sleeping on her bed and drawing stuff for her art. haha. after that i went with her and ymun to watch hot chicks. its such a funny show! so hilarious. laughable and really entertaining. den went for dinner with family.went home and played scrabble with family which was interesting i suppose. anyway really tired now..

happy valentines day! :) its such a lovely occasion.. hearing my brother plan for his outing with wendy almost made me jealous. no lah had plans for the day. i went to school for my exam.. thank God it went well. Got an A! yay! haha then i went to meet bertrand at kallang leisureplex..cos he said he wanted to bring me to smplace special? kallang river it was. such a nice place. walked with him along the river all the way to oppo suntec when we realised oops. we cant get across.. haha so we walked to the main road and took a cab to cineleisure. we den took neoprint haha at heeren.. and we both look weird but it was really good cos managed to talk to him alot along the river. den met sarah and her brother ymun.. he's a pretty cool guy...nice and gentleman like. haha. we watched catch me if u can at lido?!! hahah den we met the rest for dinner at orchard point.. zac, sk, josco and renita. it was a fun time laughing with the guys and all.

after that we went home.. and i came back feeling really high so i'm now over at my fren's house and we just had a few drinks so now im a bit tipsy. hahah but dont worry i still have 80% control over myself :) yeah i wont allow myself to be dead drunk. haha. today was a really fun day and i really had fun with my frens. so wad if there was no particular date. i dont need a man in my life. haha i can survive pretty well on my own. im so fortunate to have my frens.. the kids and all.. and frens like gen and eve. i dont need guys now. haha but bertrand has become a really good fren and i love him lots as such a silly-tell-me-jokes-when-im-sad kind of fren.. happy valentines day everyone! gonna go home and sleep before i start slurring over my words :)

exam tomorrow! shoots. so not prepared. will i be able to pull it off? will i? will i? sigh. anyway was sucha busy day today, and was feeling rather tired and miserable for the evening. yeah den gen and xingning came over to my house to borrow my com to burn stuff for rave tmrw so had a good chat and erm it was a fun time! heh..anyway i don;t really know what to say cos im so tired now and all i want to do is just sleep. yes. again. haha tmrw is valentines day and i dunno my plans yet. isit necessary to have a date? seems so tiring. may jus go out with bertrand tmrw.. if not go out with the kids. that way i can feel young and not care about the world. haha. whatever. i should be celebrating man. not now lah. now i have to memorise my lyrics. i sabo myself. sigh. but i love the song. not an ego thing but it was inspired by a simple scrabble game and by eve! haha! she'll understand when she sees the lyrics :)

you are my lucky star
and i know you will go far
with charm you leave wherever u are
surely u are my lucky star :)

heh, to eve, sleepycow! :)

i really admire those really good singers with unbelievable voices. the ones i enjoy the most are mostly from musicals, like miss saigon, les mis, phantom and cats! i love their voices. they're voices ring with every note and are unique in their own special way. its extraordinary. lea salonga, michael ball, claire moore, sarah brightman..man. if one day im able to sing half as well as them i would be contented. they're voices bring so much comfort to my own diminishing dream. its astounding really, they really are God-gifted and oh-so-talented. its amazing the way they use their voices, to just create a masterpiece. their voices compliment so well with each other and their harmonies mix in such an interesting manner, indeed there is such deep intricacy into the world of music.

i've never felt so much interest and love for music, its like a passion in me reignited and i just feel so intense. in creating the right tunes, the right notes, writing the right words to compliment the music. i'm not trying to sound professional or worldly, but i truly have great admiration and respect for the world's greatest singers and musicians. like i said, i would be content to be half as talented as they are, but that would be compromising my own standard. i will work to be an accomplished musician or singer, difficult as it may seem.

music is someplace i can be real and at ease with. it can be great comfort u know? be it classical music, cheesy pop or heavy metal, each song is written with the deep desire to be heard. they're trying to air their views. when i write music, i know i wanto convey some message in the words i sing. in the way i sing or the way i play any instrument i wanto be able to send a message of friendship, love and of cos God's love. my most important message in creating music is to tell people how much i love my God and how He has been omnipresent in my life and i would simply die without Him

i've come to such great faith off late. i feel so much passion for God. the passion i feel for God greatly surpasses the love i have for music. He is my first priority and would always be. i would be nothing, nothing at all, without Him. and i must have that realisation deeply impounded in my heart, so that i wouldnt take anybody or anything or each day..for granted.

i can't believe the way
Your love has got a hold on me
each morning i wake to find You near
You lift me above my fears
and set my feet on solid ground
all of my days belong to You

and i breathe in Your breath of life
that fills my heart
You are my all consuming fire

And I stand here before You
in wide open wonder
amazed at the glory of You
the power of Heaven revealing Your purpose in me
as I'm reaching for You

reaching for You//hillsongs

music is sth so beautiful. its an avenue for me to interject creativity and vitality when i write. was just watching this programme where this really great pianist plays with such passion and u can literally see the fire in his eyes. one day i want to be just like him, or any musician at that. its so inspiring and he really is such an extraordinary musician. ok, im quite confused as to what i'm saying! on sat nite i went to the river hongbao with bertrand..sat on all the rides..viking and all! really good! had dinner at thai express later..tom yum soup and all! we dared each other to drink it all up! spicy spicy! but had lotsa fun! thanks silly boy!

church yesterday was really interesting. was deciding whether to walk around with sunglasses or not.. on one hand i looked like i got punched in my right eye, on the other hand i looked like a poseur! and i hate that.. so i didnt wear it in the end. service was great..worship was different, sang reaching for You.. i love that song! it reflected all my thoughts for that day. the sermon was good..could really identify with it..altho i prob looked like i was sleeping half the time.. which i wasnt!! :p and after that cell.. was good.. many ppl were moody.. but nvm.. i love ya xiaomei! haha.. and we played memorising verses game! heh..den shared and prayed..

after tat went for lunch with my family and errm.. we bought a washing machine! hahah whatever.. whoa ok that music guy is really a very enriched person.. he's like so well-rounded. haha. ok.. my eyes are too strained gotta go to do some work! :)

ok ok im not a cynical bitch. im not a cynical bitch. haha. have to be absolutely positive. my eyes are better thank God..regaining bits of my sight slowly. and they dont ache so much now..just a little. whoa! the past week has been such a different week, partly because it wasnt lived according to the lifestyle i usually go about. but yeah it was different yet it taught me many things..even tho im not really into the "discovering myself" crap, cant help but admit that hey i did learn a few things about myself. and to all the ppl who have been so encouraging and ready with kind words.. thanks! im feeling better today, more cheerful and slightly hyper. but no it isnt just a temporary thing.. been getting alot of verses from ppl..addy and other frens and it has been great help cos there's so much truth in the bible to keep me going on

i wrote some tunes for my songs..since i cant write words :p haha.. yup..been reading people's blogs just only and was quite astonished at some of the things ppl blog about. not like i blog the most interesting things lah.. but anyway thats that. ya..ok here it goes

trust the LORD, for He will never want to harm you. trust the LORD, for no matter what happens, He's in control and He knows whats best. trust the LORD, for He is never changing, constant, and made you as you are. Love yourself, for He loves you as he made you. in all things, Give Thanks, for He is good. and most of all, praise the LORD, for He is worthy of all praise...!! ;o)

gen wrote that.. i ripped it off her blog..hope u dont mind gen :) yeah anyway she is so right! no matter what happens or no matter what we do, we have to remember to give thanks to God for everything..whether it turned out well or just crap..at the end of the day we have to thank God because living every single day in this world is by His grace and mercy and we dont realise how lucky we are! God never changes and He is forever constant! that is incredible! He will be that one person who remains steadfast in His love for us and who will always be there come what may. such a loving Friend and Saviour, what more can i ask for?

the past three days has turned me into a cynical bitch ready to snap at ANYONE who gets in my way. three days of confinement at home.. having to remember every half hour to drop eyedrops in my eye. and after three hours..some yellowish cream. who can i blame but myself? had i only known when was "the limit" before wearing my contacts for goodness knows how long(which in comparison to others, i realise isnt long at all) but yeah.. its frustrating and incredibly agonizing doing nothing but stare at my watch with one eye and wait for the next half hour. i know i shouldnt complain so much but if no one knows my eyes are the most delicate parts of my body! and i cant stand being totally dependable on people.. getting everyone to fetch me, if not flag a taxi for me..and i cant do anything without messing it up. was trying to dial a friends number into the phone.. read a 8 as a 0.. so in the end had this screaming lady scolding me for prank calling her..by mistake!

oh the glory of just spending time at home. and i have tonnes and tonnes of unfinished work piled on my table, yet try as i might, i cant do them. my eyes get terribly sore after reading two or three paragraphs.. and i have an increasingly disturbing migraine which just adds to the loveliness of my home-stay. i really wnat to go out and do something.. i hate spending time with myself.. u know.. "rediscovering" or wad.. i just want to go out and do what everyone is doing..attend school..have many things to do..and of cos regain my sight completely. i feel retarded and useless relying on everybody else except myself.

can u identify with that?

for the first time in two days im actually well enough to stare at my computer screen for more then 5minutes. oh thats becos im shutting my right eye. well, i have an ulcer in my right eye, so have been going for injections in my eye and scraping off the ulcer bits.. painful? hell yeah.. but owell. been wearing a stupid eye patch and having ppl who actually see me call me a pirate! ohwell.. its super irritating cos i have to take a cab all over the place cos im about 60% blind. and i really hope things get better if not it'll be permanent. been putting my eydrops regularly every half hour. ouch. sigh.

i spent the whole of yesterday horizontal feeling like crap but today feels a little better. partly becos i made myself do stuff instead of whiling my time away sleeping. its agonizing but temporary i hope. cant write much.. cos its straining my eyes. will write more when im better. gdnites

oh yeah!

happy birthday bertrand!! hahah.. silly boy with lotsa corny jokes that never fail to cheer me up
happy birthday sk and zac! my kids! thanks so much.. have a blessed day! love ya!!

today was such a hectic day. waking up at 8am to meet clement at KAP for breakfast only to reach there and find out that my call to him was a wake up call. so i waited and read my books. he came and gave me a huge load of stuff..an incredulous stack of files which i so struggled to bring back and when i got home, i had to rush out to town to meet sharon.. i came home took an hour nap before rushing out again to meet ailing. my eyes were sore from sleeping with my lenses on so it was all red and i coukdnt take it out. when i finally got back and took dem off it hurt like hell! and 5mins into my dinner, my hist tuition teacher came! so i had to rush thru my dinner which i chose in the end to forgo and bundled through tuition with sore eyes. bleh. i still have them now. so damn irritated

haha i'm really tired. even tho my relatives came over instead of us going over or sth, it was still oh-so-tiring to get up say hello, happy new year, handshakes followed by ang paos and the how-to-dos and all. well cant blame them, it happens traditionally every year. i slept about 6am this morning. was talking to bertrand from 3plus till 6..wah so funny talking to him! but yeah after that i dropped dead on my bed. den was forced to wake up a couple of hours later to clean the house, prepare things blahblah..so yup, hadto change and look presentable.

they all came over and it was the same as all the previous years, lunch, talk rubbish for a long time before they packed up and went home. after that when i badly wanted to go take a nap, our family decided to play gin rumney again! ahh..so we played for two hours!! and i won!! haha yay. so that was quite fun.. den i took an hour nap before i went to watch shanghai knights with my family.. bah fann wong and jackie chan can be quite an interesting mix.. not bad lah..alot of action! really tired..