i vouch for honeyglazed fish! i love it! it was oh-so-tasty. dinner tonight was different. usually we cook at home, but this yr we decided to go out and eat, to save the trouble of cooking for three days in a row!(this yr no house visiting, they're all coming!), which would really be a hell lot to cook :) so we decided to go erm.. "the pines" which was the former pinetree club. the place was packed to the max and the food was served rather slowly. but it was good lah.. first time seeing yellow coloured sharksfin. haha everything else but the oysters(!!!) was tasty and yummy, so yup enjoyed my dinner.

den as a tradition, when we came back from dinner which was like ten plus almost eleven, our family, yes, all six of us would gather around the erm..round table and play gin rumney! so it was a hard fight, my brother taking the last two games to become..second. haha i was erm.. 3rd or 4th which really isnt much of a deal in a team of 6. haha. my dad won, as usual. always so kiasu sure win one lah. haha. it was fun, cos my grandpa played too and all his senseless out-of-the-blue remarks would tickle us so much! and we sang many chinese new year songs.. out of tune of cos, we've never really been a choir of angels. haha.

i am now waiting to talk on the phone..gonna do me maths now. sleepy. almost tired. but somewhat hyper. im happy lah, its been awhile since our family had THIS much of fun together. and oh yes.. how can i forget.

<<happy chinese new year!!>>

whoa i am absolutely ready to collapse on my bed and sleep. and probably wake up after chinese new year. so tired. and i'm so glad the week is coming close to the end..its been a tiring week, hard and fast. on tuesday nite went for prayer meeting..by good golly it was great. extremely refreshing. prayed alot and we got many intepretations for our images and many verses. i had this wired intepretation of gen's cherubim and trumpets. haha so did clement and andrea. it was strange yet very encouraging. the whole meeting was great. prayed alot.. never could really pray confidently before that day and i would always stumble on my words, but that day i just had to pray from my heart and not be worried as to what to say or what phrases to use..i met clement for dinner before that.. i drank like one bowl of soup and he..5 dishes! hahah but it was good catching up with the man who just returned from the jungles of brunei! heh

then yesterday i had a whirlwind day. gracie came over to my house to tuition me in maths..taught me partial fractions, differentiation and surds..helping me remember. so that was great.. den after that i met daph in town and se bought these slippers..haha and then we had dinner at sakae sushi..thanks muax partner for the nite hehe.. den thats when the nightmare started. i worked on my mid-term project from last nite till about now.. the website..the "thesis" which is like a ten page essay on production management..and a stage handbook!! can die. haha just about completed half of it. its damn tiring u know. haha

but am glad the week is almost over! whoosh! yay! yippeeee!!! chinese new year!!

wow, i have to stop sleeping at un-earthly hours and waking up like 2hrs after tat. makes me very very sleepy. anyway i like yellow. alrite that is so out of point haha.. yeah but i have to create my online profile/resume for interested theatre companies and all..its like a database where they pick people. so i have to take pictures. and ive taken them already. my friends came over and snapped away with the digi-cam and gosh i look stupid, almost retarded. den it was their turn and i made dem wear stupid stuff, whatever i hav in my cupboard lah

anyway i have to start on this online thingy if not it'll all be a waste. but with my cable connection failing me every fifteen minutes that doesnt really seem possible. maybe i have to do it in school. oh the horror of fighting with 200plus people for 11 computers. alrite ill just have to make do with my stop-short connection. haha. anyway been thinking alot recently and writing alot more songs. smtimes i think i write just...for the sake of writing! and thats dumb. cos a good song can only come from a creative mind that genuinely wants to write a..good song. so my last few songs have been rather..the same.

but i wrote this new christian song its called "perfect love", it was entirely out of inspiration and i was glad when i finished it. it has a very simple message that conveys a feeling of peace and serenity with God. i wouldn't say it was fantastic, but it would make the grade. at least make my grade. i have learnt not to be too demanding of my own music. just write whatever comes to my mind yeah? i have been relentlessly playing on the guitar and piano, trying to polish my skills becos i realise that truly a good musician would be one who is an all-rounder. now to learn the bass. haha

i so cannot play bass. i think its too big and heavy for me. i've tried the drums and i got..erm..i mean i can play two beats!! haha yay..and this congo beat that angie taught me! yay!! haha..now that my piano maestro is back at home wahahah can get him to teach me.. and since he'll be teaching the keyboardists in church...so indirectly if gen teaches me..he will be teaching me too. yup? yup. haha. have been dwiddling around for awhile..finishing up all my work..which probably is the reason for all my late nights. yup anyway i have to go back to being a nerd and like eve says.. stick my BIG butt on the chair and study! haha thanx eve!

i am tired. i have red eyes! haha cos stupid ole me went ahead and wore my contacts for nearly 14hrs! which is not good, cos my eyes are sensitive so i can only wear 8-10hrs a day. haha. but owell. today was a good day, church..cell was pretty much the same, altho ailing wasn't there helming things. and after that our whole cell went to clementi macs for lunch cos we were meeting rachel later to celebrate her birthday. so whilest waiting, we played daytona!!! and..erm..and..PARA-PARA!! haha.. so dumb! but we got like 1st place.. and like 10ppl were clambering onto one platform. hilarious.

after we met rachel, we headed down to west mall where we bumped into adrian, yaw chong that gang. gosh we watched the ring!!! it was sooo scary. ok lah im like super anti-horror movies even tho i really dont mind watching it. i mean i'll just spend half the time covering my eyes or burying myself into other people's shoulders. so yup, did both. haha. me and sarah were like looking at each others shoulders for half the show! haha so stupid. after that we decided to byedybyebye and go home.. the girls have history test tmr.. was helping dem remember all the jap occupation stuff. hehe

oh we totally forgot abt the oreo cake we bought for rachel and left it in the vicarage. hilarious. it was a fun afternoon and i enjoy being with kids..they're like my little best friends and they are oh-so-cute. yup. they make me feel so..young! yea anyway jon tang!! that deeply in love song by hillsongs is like stuck in my head! haha.. nice song. conveys a simple yet deliberate effect..tangible in its own way. okay really happy. going to sleep!! :)

Jesus, You're all that I live for!

i am confused. my mind is somewhat blurry and fuzzy now. cant really think. haha went for my brother's commissioning parade, he is now a second lieutenant, or however u spell tat..but its great! the parade was hilarious, me and wendy were busy trying to figure out which was the right daniel! we prob took some pictures of other ppl's son/brother/boyfriend..again! haha its always like tat. anyway we had dinner at the officers dining hall, quite grand..with the president and all. was sitting with wendy..gosh can tease her like nobodys business. she's hilarious, and i think we BOTH need hearing aids. i was like "hey they're playing love will keep us alive" and she was like "huh? porky crosses the line?" which is so totally out of context haha so yah we both need hearing aids. we were like telling stupid lame jokes thruout the nite. haha these army guy said i have the "mg" look. wahaha anyway

the weekend so far has been an enjoyable one, with many new beginnings for me..dont really want to list them all..yeah but i feel refreshed and smwhat less restricted? is that the word? i dunno. but i feel more expressive. anyway i had a weird dream last nite. but i slept very well. yeah so quitre refreshed now.. supposed to prepare worship for tml's cluster worship.. havent really had songs that i really feel like singing so a bit..lost. yup..will go and prepare now:) nites

why are you so unaffected, dont you know its getting me frustrated?

smtimes i just want to be understood. is that so hard to understand? why does it seem that one of the few ppl who i thot understood me..now suddenly..don't?

anyway today was one helluva nite. it was great. i feel great. i went for the mtv asia awards and the performers and performances were great! so aboslutely hyper and ready to rock! oh sun yanzi was there too and she performed..so funny she tried to shake her booty..but erm like daph said..she aint got one! haha so it was rather cute. yeah and i dunno how but i managed to sneak me and my sister into the tenth row from the front so yay! got a better view den those seats up along the clouds. haha..i really enjoyed myself and we topped it up with dinner at adam road..so yay! quite exhausted now.. feeling achy all over.. haha anyway gonna sleepy-sleep-sleep. the way we cows do it. haha

how many times have i turned away?
the number is the same as the sand on the shore
but everytime you've taken me back
and now i pray you do it once more

please take from me my life
when i don't have the strength
to give it away to You
please take from me my life
when i don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

how many times have i turned away?
the number is the same as the stars in the sky
but everytime you've taken me back
and now i pray you do tonight

//take my life. sonicflood/third day

i finished my play. gonna submit it and hope for the best. haha if i win(which is a one in a gazillion chance) i'll get five hundred bucks! haha thats more then two months of my tcs job put together. haha. yeah but i lke the story its realistic and applicable to our present day lives.. so i was quite satisfied when i finished it.

anyway been feeling much better over the past week or so, not so mucked-up and caught up in solving people's problems. more of time spent communing with God:) so ive been happy. maybe smtimes frustrated and thats when my mood fluctuates the most, but not really depressed anymore. can say that for sure. i feel so complete with God's love :) i keep smiling all the time..so much that ppl ask me "beks why are u so happy?" and ill just shrug and say dunno. haha maybe its the love of God. what a wonderful feeling:)

ok, i am absolutely spent. oh-so-tired. have been working on the play since dunno when. its been ages. i mean really, its been ages. i don't even remember having dinner. just alot of dr pepper. man i love that thing. i'm counting the cans. three. whoa. in one night. too much caffeine. haha whatever. but i finished the first draft for my first full-scale play. its based on life's imperfections and how we choose to deal with it.

i feel satisfied. just utterly exhausted. ive been staring at my keyboard for almost six hours, or maybe more. gosh i think i can type without looking. let me try. see. haha ok im nuts, bonkers. ok i have a very lame joke for all of u. haha bertrand sent me a few, but this takes the cake heh.

what kind of paper is the heaviest?

guess!!!

paperweight. hehe i told u it was lame.

i didnt really go to school yesterday and that was cos i was sick. i mean i still am but i really had set my mind on going to school on time and all. and where am i? at home. feeling frustrated cos just when i have chosen to try..it all doesn't work out. and immediately i lose the "responsible, hardworking"crap i always get. what happened to me? why am i so hoodwinked and distracted. is the a level stress finally getting to me? do i suddenly realise that hey..im doing two curriculums instead of one? and that hey..beks ur going to die of stress!!!

i just realised the dilemma i have put myself in. its a terrible feeling u know..stepping on two boats at the time..seeing which one doesnt fail me first..if lasalle works out..a levels will be screwed and vice versa. seems that ive already put an ultimum to myself. and i feel inadequate and helpless. its not that i haven't tried equally hard for both.. i've tried my darnest i tell u..and in fact ive tried so hard that now i feel powerless. i know i should just get up and set things right..do what needs to be done..but what? what needs to be done? ive been deliberating over this for nearly a year now u know? and my decision still remains unknown. maybe i should just prove everyone right..that i couldnt do it in the first place.

i thot i got over that depressed shit phase..looks like im still very much in it. isnt anything going to be enough to keep me happy for just..a few mins? all that ive worked for last year has gone down the drain becos of my own inadequacy. i really hate to fail u know..all my life i havent failed to the extent i wanto give up and i hate having this feeling. beks. u got to sober up. wake up. do sth good for ur life.

::heaven's angel::
by:beks

the world's got me down
and my smile's nearly gone
and i've got nowhere to go
nowhere i know

things aren't the same
they've all started to change
and nobody knows who i am
who i am

you remain
you're heaven's angel
for me
you're heaven's angel
you know who i am
my heaven's angel thank you


heh thanks to all the people who have been there for me when i was down.. to all my cow frens..moo! i love u! to my kids.. ur the best! muax! and thanks to the rest. i appreciate it. :)

blehx.. im sick! i've got fever, cough, flu..the works! and ive got this horrible headache tat refuses to go away..and it keeps punding away at my small..very un-used brain. heh. but even tho i'm physically tired, i feel pretty alive and hyper. ok so i'm not hyper in the woohoo-jumps-around kind of hyper..but i'm happy. yeah been falling sick often these days..last time i was like THIS kinda sick was just before camp last year! which was abt a month ago! sigh should really try to stay healthy like maybe exercise or drink a gazillion cups of water.

yeah so today will be one of my sit-down-and-study days..which is most unlikely to happen cos i have this feeling i will be falling asleep soon. haha.i've got one recording i must complete by tomorrow but the best thing about it is that i sound like kenny-rogers-gone bad. haha so how to sing?? :p maybe i should just play the music then add in the vocals like tomorrow when i think my voice would be better. heh so today will be my working day. heh..get some work done for once.

so anyway im still happy..very cheeky too.. i keep being the joker. haha neh neh neh..man my head is hot. ouch heheheh.. beks is going maddy-mad-mad haha.. ok but on a more serious note, i was just wondering..why do people get depressed? and how come they can stay depressed for as long as i was..or maybe..even longer? mainly its becos the things of the world just drags us all down..dumping its heavy burdens upon our shoulders. and also..subconsciously..we tend to be working towards people's expectations rather den our own..so yeah. for a short while i was scared to blog all these thoughts for fear of judgement. but den i realise that i should just write whatever i want..anyway not like the whole world is gonna read it.

so i was just thinking of what it truly takes to be happy. to feel the abundant joy of God in our hearts? to feel loved by God and that it is only by His grace that our mere existance should actually..exist? we fail to notice that. we are always asking/seeking/wanting things from God..we pray everyday asking for this asking for that.. but how often do we just take awhile to thank Him? and to tell Him that u truly appreciate His gift of grace to you. I took a step back yesterday from where i was in church and instead of sending my requests to Him during worship.. i decided to just yeah u know..praise Him and thank Him. we should all do that really. hehe. anyway thats whats truly made me happy..knowing that if everything else fails me..He never would.

he's in army :(

yawn. haha would u believe it. i just woke up. i came home around 9..den said hello to the people at my hse..den went upstairs after drinking milk.. and den i fell asleep on my bed. i think i wanted to rest my eyes for awhile..den..boom. i fell asleep. hahaha.. im so hyper now. just re-saved all my photos cos i lost all of it! grr..yeah and also..was talking to a few frens..so quite energetic now., realised that my past entries have been rather down and blehs. but now i feel refreshed. i dunno why but God refreshed me. so am happy:)

here i am grinning at my computer like a big tabi cat. hehe im at a lost for words becos suddenly i feel so much joy in me! amen! it was only when i came back den did i feel this way. heh. la la la yay for beks! anyway the cell thingy has more or less been solved and guess me and gen are ok lah. but nvm.. if we're good enough frens then there shuld be no problem. yeah happy, high and intoxicated. :)

over the week ppl have been asking me where my house is..my address...wad unit blahblah..and i didnt really let it settle in..den i realised..OH YA! they're coming to my house today!!! TODAY. help. do u know what my room looks like? it highly resembles the wake of a volcano eruption..except that u gotta throw in a few earthquakes here and there. but den again.. only some ppl will see my room..so i dont really need to care haha.. yah whatever ill just do a instant-5min-stuff-everything-into-drawers kind of cleaning and den just leave it. haha

i feel somewhat energetic today..after sleeping at like 4am and waking up just only..decided not to go down to rg for the orientation..bahh near my hse but too lazee to wake up at like 7! yeah.. so slept till 12. hehe..anyway havent slept like that for so long..i am a lazeecow u know! haha have to live up to my name. yeah was reading through this play and preparing for my role and i realised how interesting my character is.. i mean..the role lah. so im gonna try to fulfil the writers perception of that particular character.

i havent been concentrating on my acting recently becos ive been quite down but now i feel kinda refreshed..kind of ready to start anew and give it all to God and that i cant get by with just my own strength. i have to stop being a people pleaser too.. as in not sucking up.. but just trying to be there for everyone.. i mean i would rather be there all the time...but think my heart and mind is telling me to just take a break and spend time with myself and God.

there. i've settled myself. in just a matter of a few hours i have. feels sorta good. theres still this pain in me i havent yet discovered what its about but i know that as long as i remain steadfast in my seeking of God.. all my trials and tribulations would be conquered. thats a great truth to bank on.

ah havent blogged since monday..quite a few things happened actually..good, bad..have had it both. im still in that deliberating mood..that somewhat sedate mood. i met jess today at suntec and had dinner with her..tho i didnt eat..since im on my beky-diet. hahah..so it was good..we talked and she introduced new perspectives to all my doubts and answered alot of my questions. it was really quite funny as she just kept insulting me and i dunno why i just couldnt come up with a better one to get back at her! grr..den i went for new creations bible study..addy led..could hear her voice nearly cracking..but den again after singing Blessed and some really REALLy high songs..its no wonder why.

but worship was enjoyable..sort of an extended one from the usual one..we sang about 7-8 songs..and the worship was power-packed. but me being my very dazed self..couldnt really concentrate. but still i actually payed attention to the sermon..and it made sense as to leaving the knowledge of the bible encrusted in our hearts. well..im now quite pleasantly stable, not too depressed..just neutral i suppose. no point me moping around..so..now im in a neither happy nor sad mood. just there. yeah.

this week has been a whirlwind..tumultous in its own way..fast and completely in my face again. no time to breathe and think. just go with the flow..complete what needs to be done..and u knoe.. do what ive gotta do..so its been rather monotonous..the same things day after day. sleeping at gosh..unearthly hours and waking up a few hours later..so its been tough and its gonna be tougher next week. sigh. well..i will get by. i will.. with God's strength i will. :)

im not paranoid. get this. im not paranoid. i just dont like seeing things slowly drift apart. especially things that i hold dear to my heart. to you. our friendship remains no matter what and i understand what ur going thru.. im always there for u and just to let u know.. im sorry.

to daph

everything will work out fine
just believe, just believe
pray and have the faith that keeps u strong
u can achieve, u can achieve

u and me, we'll try out best
stand together, to do our part
we're gonna show the world that u can be who u can be
u can achieve u can achieve

chorus
dont give up, daphne lim
i never did, i will never do
you can be the best that u can be
together we will work for the best!

=sing to the tune of count on me singapore= heheheh

my mind is kinda messed up now.. like wad gen said.. its messy. eveyrthing is messy and just strange. i dunno..recently alot of weird things have happened..as in unexpected things..and its really all kinda hard to deal with. the first week of school has been such a rush..u know with so many things to do, many things to settle..its so in-my-face and so fast! and everytime i try to solve one thing a new one pops up..and smtimes when i look for ppl to be my supportive hold..they sorta disappear.. i guess its not fair to dem either cos they have their own problems too.

sigh u know this world we live in really is a complex one. we are compelled into believing that we must do what society expects and be the best fren we are, or the best academic we can be, achieve the most excellent results so that we can be the lawyers or doctors we were planned out to be. we live in this hard and fast world where once u cant deal with smthing..u fall behind. take for example church. trying isnt enough, u have to dry ur hardest cos once u make a mistake, u lose track and everything will come crashing down on you

i mean what is this world we live in? what does it want? why do we slave over books and tire our eyes out into the late nites when all we are required to do by God is to seek Him earnestly. in that case..it doesnt matter if we are rich poor, stupid or smart, lazy or hardworking..becos what God simply requires of us is our unconditional love and respect for Him. yet that alone is so hard to achieve..which brings back the question to what do WE want..what do WE expect from ourselves..what will please us? an endless supply of cash or countless degrees and doctorades? or simply just the health we long for. to be able to live happily and when we finally leave this world to say that hey ive lived my life to the fullest. i dunno..its troubling to think that we often do and work towards people's expectations.. thats kinda scary eh? cant we just live to please God and God only?

then again, that seems impossible.

okay hello..today rosy posy is feeling abit sick..not really flu feverish kind but the gastric/stomachache kind. so bahh have to eat porridge. haha. but yeah been feeling quite alrite..feeling the tiredness of school already in the first week! have quite alot of things to do..but havent done yet haha..i guess its more of the itty bitty things that really get me angry and pissed or frustrated..like waking up a bit late or missing my stop cos i fell asleep on the bus..but owell

the weekend is here..cant tell u how glad i am. tmrw is rest day..as usual..may have to go back to school but yar..who cares..wont go. haha rebellious beks..oooh:p

life is full of imperfections. most of the time some people just cant deal with it.

so what exactly is wrong with me? hmm.. i guess listing all my bad qualities would be such a turn off for people who happen to stumble upon this page so i would just say that in all i do i try my best..and smtimes maybe smtimes i try too hard and i know that i try too hard but its becos i want to do sth so bad i disregard all else and that prob is my biggest imperfection. i try.. really i try not to care..but i dont want to be a heartless bitch.. i want to care.. im not saying all those who dont care are bitches or what.. but i find it horrible to just leave ppl where they are when i know they deserve second chances.

im pretty confused abt myself..as to what is going on.. my mind is a blurry smudge..all mixed up and cant really see what i want to do. i guess its more of me seeking other ppls opinions that tear me down becos their opinions differ so greatly it tears me up cos im so confused. and being the number 1 most indecisive person in the world..thats not helpful. so i shall seek God for answers and try to see whats important to me:)

to all those ppl who have been there for me.. thanks.. to sarah..tks little one.. thanks for understanding..yeah i love u all so much!:)

*fingers crossed* g'luck daph

yup..havent blogged since tuesday. anyway im really tired now..so this blog may just be strange or crappy. oh i just drank a hugeee glass of milk. nice:) anyway school starts proper for me tomorrow..really quite excited i suppose..i really want to do well and maybe get a scholarship. but well since im doing a's also..its gonna kill me. but i'll take things one step at a time..concentrate on the a's stuff first cos the first month or so wont be busy in lasalle..den maybe in may i'll go full-fledged studying. like almost 24/7. hopefully can make it:)

i need to be disciplined and not all rosy-posy-sleepy. haha i must concentrate. go beks. yeah anyway this week has been fun..to some who has started school it prob is a dread.. but hmm on the 2nd itself i went to settle some stuff den i met gen in town.. went sakae sushi to stone..den we decided to watch blue crush! haha now we're all surferbabes-wannabes. haha saying we will tone ourselves and lose weight by march! yea not a prob for me or her lah..haha..den we will erm.. wakeboard! cos surfing err got no waves in singapore..not big ones at least.. haha so exciting. den on friday i met sash and i went to church in the evening for prayer meet. i gave the kids lit tuition. hehe on saturday.. was my rest and relax day haha.. so i rested and oh! my uncle jeremy got married so i went for his wedding

the church at brmc is how nice! so stupendous and what jess calls as excessive. yeah.. but it was a great service and soon after i had to run off to meet sasha at tanglin mall for dinner. we were hoping to have a quiet dinner cos she left this morning.. but we bumped into ailing! so cool. hahah it was like so unexpected..but yeah den walked along orchard before heading home..

den today's worship was good..different becos it was the new year..many things expected blah..yea it was also winston's last time playing for worship team before he goes to army..he's going uk tonight..evening actually. yeah oh!!! daphne evelyn and hazel came to church today! haha a-lyn. hahah toopid girl kept saying ehbeksehbeks hahah anyway it was good to see all of dem..den i led cell worship..which was good!:) yeah den we split into our cells.. welcome sec1s!! its so exciting..new people..haha and all under out charge..muahahah:) yeah anywae we played captains ball..dog and bone blah till we were all so tired..hahah

den the sec2s and i went for lunch at jumbo..joscos treat:p haha cos he owes me two breakfasts and one lunch hehe.. yeah..so we had a great time and im really tired now..anywya junwen is leaving tonight.. really sad lor.. pepper left..junwen's leaving.. and the rest going army.. well..goodbye:) i love u all!:)

*yawn* happee new year everyone..heh.. its the new year! yup just came back from watching gangs of new york..whoa 3hr show haha but a really good one..as in its so violent and all its rather frightening..but it was a real delight to watch..yeah. its the new year..and school starts for me next week..its gonna be a busy 6months, no time to breathe, play or have fun, but more of a time of seriousness..to be focused and to concentrate academically

this year will prove to be a difficult one for many and of cos it will provide a "new life" for those ppl one yr older/younger den me:) but its an experience no one can replace and i had and still have very fond memories of my first three months:) yeah anywae im really tired.. to all those starting school tmrw...God bless you all and dont be too stressed.. i love you all! :)