i didnt really go to school yesterday and that was cos i was sick. i mean i still am but i really had set my mind on going to school on time and all. and where am i? at home. feeling frustrated cos just when i have chosen to try..it all doesn't work out. and immediately i lose the "responsible, hardworking"crap i always get. what happened to me? why am i so hoodwinked and distracted. is the a level stress finally getting to me? do i suddenly realise that hey..im doing two curriculums instead of one? and that hey..beks ur going to die of stress!!!

i just realised the dilemma i have put myself in. its a terrible feeling u know..stepping on two boats at the time..seeing which one doesnt fail me first..if lasalle works out..a levels will be screwed and vice versa. seems that ive already put an ultimum to myself. and i feel inadequate and helpless. its not that i haven't tried equally hard for both.. i've tried my darnest i tell u..and in fact ive tried so hard that now i feel powerless. i know i should just get up and set things right..do what needs to be done..but what? what needs to be done? ive been deliberating over this for nearly a year now u know? and my decision still remains unknown. maybe i should just prove everyone right..that i couldnt do it in the first place.

i thot i got over that depressed shit phase..looks like im still very much in it. isnt anything going to be enough to keep me happy for just..a few mins? all that ive worked for last year has gone down the drain becos of my own inadequacy. i really hate to fail u know..all my life i havent failed to the extent i wanto give up and i hate having this feeling. beks. u got to sober up. wake up. do sth good for ur life.