im stuck between feeling not-so-good and feeling like fuck.

sorry for the language here but i'l just delete it tmr or sth. inexcusable? owell. i cant live up to everyones expectations rite? i cant be perfect. its like i try my darnest and i put in the most effort but the results always disappoint. ill be so hyped abt sth and ill go wherever with my moron-like optimism and the next simplest thing can reverse my mood. its amazing isnt it?

whats the point in trying so hard, trying to live up to expectations and trying to be someone i'm not cut out to be? whats the whole dam point in trying??

im tired. again. faith seems to be the only thing thats sustaining me.

i got alot to say today. dont know whether thats a good or bad thing, but yeah ill just go ahead. its my blog rite? yes.

i never was someone who expected much from anyone.

aiyah i lost my mood, forgot what to say. nvm.
i think even i dont understand myself. sad huh.

perhaps the best part of today was meeting eve for just that one-two mins at amk. at least it made me smile?

when will you be home, she asked
as i watched the planes take off
we both know we have no clear answer
to where my dreams may lead

she's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
as a child she was my world
and now to let me go, i know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

you can fly so high, keep your gaze upon the sky
i'll be praying every step along the way
even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
i love you too much to make you stay
baby fly away

autumn leaves fell into springtime and silver painted hair
daddy called one evening saying we need you pls come back
when i saw her laying in her bed fragile as a child
paled just like an angel taking flight i held her as i cried

you can fly so high, keep your gaze upon the sky
i'll be praying every step along the way
even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
i love you too much to make you stay
baby fly away

overall i had a good weekend. to sum things up, i met junwen on sat for drinks becos he was buying haha no larh cos he wasd out of army for a long weekend. haha and we got a little high.. had to recover a little at gen's hse before heading home..

service was good. i enjoyed worship. it was very real -- to me at least. i spent alot of time seeking God rather den serving Him and i know i felt more refreshed. eve prayed for me after that, thank God for her.. really glad that she can pray for me too, heh at a supersonic speed tho :) heh yeah

den went to igors for the ocs social nite with mok, will put up pictures soon but it was dam fun larh. the costumes and decor were elaborate and i really enjoyed myself. danced like mad and ate alot too. yepp.. den today..

today was a good monday. prob my best monday in a long time. altho we're all shacked and dying, haha me angie and kai stayed the whole day 9am-11pm doing solid camp stuff. haha -laughs- angie is just spastic larh. haha anyway went around like the whole singapore and met ncc juniors at far east haha sec1s i think dam cute lah. haha.. den we ate alot too. haha finally saw sueannes hse.. dam nice only lah. haha and we slacked for awhile before going to shinyees hse to do solid 4hours of editing haha.. had alota fun but am deaddd tired.

gonna sleep.

haha angie thanks for being so retarded with me today. haha shan't post all yr dam glam photos heh..since im nice. haha and oh yes. locke, we owe u a treattttttt :)

i came by with my heart, but you turned me away

So far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're just time away

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
How I wish I could, but you're so far away

One more song about movin' along the highway
Can't say much of anything that's new
If I could only work this life out my way
I'd rather spend in bein' close to you.

haha its impossible not not to blog rite? heh
went for worship prac.. it was good cos i managed to talk to ailing after that.. it was a realllly good talk and now i feel alot lighter, and she too =) yup, really glad. made me smile.
went to southbridge just now. supposed to go gens hse actually hmmm.. sleepy =)

hehe im very sleepyyy.
oh so sleepy. *drops off to sleep*
goodnite. heh

by the way its impossible not to blog. oh dear maybe im hooked:(
no larh anyway i think you are seriously over-doing it.

heh today i bought the charlie's angels full throttle vcd. dammm happy. cos it makes me appy to watch such a bimbotic show heh :) and the way cameron diaz goes "dis is hostel yarhhhhh?" is so cute. heh and she's pretty too. haha i like. going to watch now!! ta! :p

every step that i take is another mistake to you.

arggghhhhhhhhhhhhh *screams*

there. i feel better. *beams*

okay something happy. heh

today my friend came over at night.. quite unexpectedly. the first thing she said when she saw me was

"aiyo did you shrink again??"

was apalled. again??? what do u mean again??? so i replied indignantly that i had actually grown taller. den she laughed and stared at me and said..

"no larh.. as in u lost weight right? werent u all rolly-polly??"

*falls back in shock*

me screams "rolly polly!?!!!!"

haha. anyway she made me go weigh myself can u believe it?? and indeed yes despite allmy crazy sakae buffet stuffings and the countless midnight meals, i have *gasp* lost a grand total of 2.5kg! so now i'm 42.5kg. if not its 43.

haha i like.

loneliness sucks.

today is be-mean-to-beks day. haha friends were insulting me non-stop. haha. *laughs*

anyway, more photos added.

okay, im not gonna blog. just put in some stuff like photos and lyrics. thats why the skin is sooo ugly. haha and the links are few. anyway got new pictures. click on it to see for yrself. :)

anyway happy birthday to melissa[14oct], renita[16oct], josco[18oct], mooky[19oct] and ailing!!![today!!] you guys have a fabulous year ahead!! take care and thanks for being who you are. love you all.

had good weekend :)

isnt it sad that some people change? they say ac changes people. maybe thats true? i never really believed that cos i was from ac myself and it didnt do anything to change me except make me less dao? i dont know. its just very sad that friends who u were once close to change so much because theyve become popular? freaky actually cos u never thought they would. but yeah they do. owell. like we always say, friends stick with each other to the end right? so yeahhh will be there.

actually u know what? u can promise to be there, give them ALL the support u have, and lend a listening ear and in the end they still turn a deaf ear to you. u can sit by them and comfort them, talk to them, give them advice when theyre down, and they still dont give a shit. so why should i care?? why do i even bother?? why do i bother being there for people when they just walk away when i need them to be there. whatever larh. i need some lessons in being indifferent.

or maybe i should just shut the world out from my life.

haha im not gonna care and not get so affected by whatever. yup anyway here's a song that lingx told me she sings for her friends when they're down. thanks! the words are simple and it is after all a sclub song.. but its really happy and cheery. thanks lingx =)

When the world, leaves you feeling blue
You can count on me, I will be there for you
When it seems, all your hopes and dreams
Are a million miles away, I will re-assure you

We've got to all stick together
Good friends, there for each other
Never ever forget that
I've got you and you've got me, so

Reach for the stars
Climb every mountain higher
Reach for the stars
Follow your hearts desire
Reach for the stars
And when that rainbow's shining over you
That's when your dreams will all come true

deep sadness
was out just now and my friend patted my head and i was like hmm dont do that and he asked why? and i said only one person could do that. yes wonder wonder, its not whoever you think it is. it was you. and then someone messaged me later that you had left already to further yr studies abroad. and gawddd it affected me so badly. cos i didnt even get to say goodbye cos things were too messy for us to even manage a hello. we're good friends at heart, probably one of the better ones, yet one incident had to wreck it all, and i lost you, and yes, you lost me too. maybe we both over-reacted, but in truth, i do miss you a hell lot. i miss spending time with you, talking to you and just being there for you. wah and i realised how much it hurts.

on the bus home, i kept thinking about you and whether i should sms you or not. then again, what if u had changed yr number? just like how yr heart changed. and it just filled me with such deep sadness that things will never be the same again because the scars on both our hearts will never heal. much less disappear. i wonder if you do miss me, im sure you do, not being arrogant or confident, but surely good friends do think of each other once in awhile. now that yr gone, i feel like part of me has gone with you, a part that no one else will know, and it hurts soooo bad i wish i could cry.

you left me with goodbye and open arms, a cut so deep i dont deserve

heya you, hope u know im talking abt u.. thanks for messaging this morning. it was really out of the blue, but sweet. thanks! will always be here for you too! :) hope chem prac went well. hmm hope chem prac went well for everyone :)

i have a reason to be high-spirited today. did quite a bit of work. and am happier. but of cos sad friends make beks sad. so cheer up aiight? :) haha im so nonsensical. going out in abit. oops im starving. i need to eat! *growl*

my friends do care, and its enough to make me spin around happily.

okay a bit hungry now. i really should stop eating past 12am. gonna become fat if i eat and sleep 24/7. haha. people make me happy. yayyy :) thanks all of you.

its really amazing aint it?

my day can be absolutely picture perfect. yet a single call/sms from you and im back down to where i started. my gosh do you see how much it hurts?

nvm. beks think happppy thoughts!!! :o

i'm absolutely miffed. was in a foul mood this morning cos got woken up at 7am this morning. grraah den while i was trying to get more sleep after that the stupid painters started painting the building, and hence they were going up and down this gondola thingy and i couldnt sleep cos they were staring at me sleeping. arrrghhh, i know its not their fault larh, but haiyaaaaaa. then i woke up and i think i ate the wrong thing yesternite so i started puking after drinking a glass of milk. so i just sat down and faced the wall the whole morning cos i was frigging pissed with myself. aiyah.

but now im better. just realised that friendsters quite funny, cos u really do get to meet up with yr ex-classmates who till this day, still spell yr name wrongly. heh, but doesnt matter larh, and u just laugh at all the stupid things u used to do back then. its quite funny i must say. time to do work man.

aiyah. no mood leh. howwwwwwwww

"i love you too much to let you stay, baby please fly away"

whoa corrine may's voice is velvety smooth and laced with tangerine. very soothing. it gives this calm aura that seems to just put my heart at peace. okay, today was a good day, had church, took nice photos, had interesting cell word, and had lunch at hollandvees katong laksa :) yeah it was relaxing in general. feeling tired now. have been tired for awhile. haha anyway just saw some old photos and it brought back great memories of..

the coool clique!!

haha okay before u think us off as poseurs or what, the clique name was given by mr wong junwen. haha i really miss the cool clique. was seeing eve's photos and there was one with all of them inside. jaime, lionel, allan, evey, andrea, adeline, clarisse, walid, winzee, denise, lem, jesi, victor, jianqiang, zhengwei, marc, jessica, junz, junwen and many more. i really miss them man and the times we had. remember all those cine times? playing pool, watching ,movies or just hanging out and sitting outside cine taking photos, think its one of the best jc moments of my life. the photos are lovely. hey to all the cool clique guys, i reallllly miss you guys and lets go out again soon kay?? i do love you all very much still!! :)

i feel bad.
i really do. there were two appointments that i had tonight. one was renita's birthday chalet thing, and one was the cluster gathering at ailings house. wanna figure out which one i went for in the end? yr right. none. i didnt go for both. i dont know why i felt so tired. i dont have anything against ailing or renita for that matter, but i just felt so zonked. i did however spend most of the time at home and my friend came over and i helped him edit stuff for his blog and blah. owell, played some really bad pool then went for a stuffing dinner. yeah that pretty sums up my very uninteresting night. i felt like i was being irresponsible as a friend to both ailing and renita, and i really did beat myself up quite bad inside for being so mean. but i guess this is what a timeout is. just avoiding being really social or what, i mean, just being civil and maybe for once, indifferent.

im getting pretty good at being indifferent and cold. unfeeling and hardened. maybe it works. im not depressed or anything. in fact, im surprised by the joy i feel in me. maybe i should just be what everyone thinks i am. dao. haha im pretty good at staring people up and down. and they come up to me and say aiyah beks, why so daooo and ill be like uh no larh. i cant see u properly. haha which is true to a certain extent. i smile less now, i reserve my smiles for people who really make me smile, instead of just being a superficial optimistic moron who smiles at everyone for no particular reason. yah larh, friendliness. but owell, im supposed to be a cynical bitch now arent i? ;)

dalg: yupp do let me know yr new add then ya? btw, didnt know that u know anna.. she's my shifu :) heh

euphe: where did u come from? anyway thanks for stopping by.. :)

pepper: haha yrs must be the longest. not pulling anyone?? whoa. thats new. :p hehe anyway what shit has happened. quick pray do tell soon!! :)

okay my arms really ache. the last time they ached was after a canoeing training last year, and of cos the many times in ncc where we did manymany push ups. :| haha eee so lousy one. cant believe myself. but aching means that the muscles are well-worked heh. dont know who told me. gonna do work in a bit. need to prep for SATs tomorrow.. quite dead cos i cant remember half my maths and my vocab is non-existant. :( boo. and last night was a lousy night. haha. kay but im shockingly cheerful this morning/afternoon. will smile. :) for you.

ouch my arms ache from all the squash. eeee so lousy ah.
almost 3am. time to sleep i think? haiya. uh.. nite! *beams*

Welcome to the 2003 edition of getting to know
your friends. What you're supposed to do is to
read what's below first, so you can learn more
about the person who sent you this.
This is exactly wat u do when u hv too much
time... =) --> yes i agree! :)

1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
11am on good days, 7am on bad ones. :)

2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS
PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
sun yanzi *beams* :)

3. GOLD OR SILVER?
silver.

4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
uhh okay.. pirates ah? haha

5. FAVOURITE TV SHOW?
Friends! -->ditto.

6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
hardly eat it.. if not its bread or cereal

7. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
you :)

8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
no.. its not that much of a biggie anyway.

9.WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
God.. my friends..

10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
*laughs* rosemary. dont ask why. hahaha

11. BEACH, CITY, OR COUNTRY?
beach.. the countrys fine too.. somewhere quiet larh

12.SUMMER OR WINTER?
winter.. hot chocolate! yummeh!! :)

13. YUM?
right now its pasta from hooked on pasta. haha

14. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?
buttered and salted --> ditto too.

15. FAVOURITE CAR?
haha lexus :)

16. FAVOURITE SANDWICH FILLING?
smoked salmon and cheese. yummmmeh

17. FAVOURITE TYPE OF MUSIC?
sappy ballads.

19. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE?
hypocrisy and self-pity

20. FAVOURITE FLOWER?
indian roses. really!! super pretty!! :)

21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW
LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO SPEND ALL?
muahahah one day? one hour? haha depends on the amt :p

22. DO YOU WEAR PYJAMAS?
nope... but i know friends who do :)

23. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
brownish black hehe

24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
dont have a key ring :(

25 WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO RETIRE?
hawaii and the cook islands! hehe

26. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
im realllly bad at it. so i guess no?

27. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
sundays :) or fridays also.. heh

28. RED OR WHITE WINE?
red's too strong.. white?

29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
cluster came over for a combined birthday christmas party

30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
nope. i donated to people who do.. haha a whopping 18dollars collected ey? ;)

31.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
john keats - selected poems. beautiful.

32. FAVOURITE BOARD GAME?
payday! haha cluedo! nehnehneh! ;)

33. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE?
dont really read. haha newsweek. yah right.. hehe.. style?

34. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
ralph, issey, early mornings, when it rains. :)

35. COMFORT FOOD?
worlds best choc by ben and jerrys heh :)

36.FAVOURITE SOUND?
your voice :)

37. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
uh.. yeah betrayal lor.

38. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN
YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
dont wanna wake up......................

39.FAVOURITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
yoshinoya/long johns.

41. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF
MONEY...
ill donate some heh, ill give some to my parents, ill buy a sony vaio!!! :p *gleams*

43. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
molly :) hehe and the meow meow haha

44. STORMS, COOL OR SCARY?
scary. *shudders* bad bad memories

47. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE
TIME, ..
i'll start my life over again. haha no larh. ill take up fencing. haha really.

48. DO YOU EAT STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
im alright with it.

49. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT
WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
haha.. uh red? i dont know.

50. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
bags, bottles, alot of things larh veh messy


haha originally came from friendster.. but didnt want to paste it in my bulletin board cos its scary so here's more private i think. haha

done my ranting for the day.

playing squash is a good way to release any sort of pent up frustration. just whack the ball, chase the ball, pick it up, throw it up, whack it again and repeat. and then be stupid and run forty rounds in the court. followed by fifty push ups and sit ups. it really releases alot of tension.

now i dont feel bad. why should i care if you dont give a shit?

oh whatever, yr used to being like that right? inherent in yr character right? well oops, sorry i asked.

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

sometimes it hurts to be alone. sigh nevermind. cheer up beks. anyway today was a pretty good day. spent my afternoon studying, den locke came over around 5 to play pool. haha original plan was to study but it never happens. haha so yeah den cos wendy was eating dinner with us so asked him to join us too.. so he did. haha yay save money no need to go out. haha. then played alot of pool. im improving! haha i beat him once after so many games of me winning unintentionally and him winning intentionally. haha. interesting night. other then that, its been okay.

ack. just finished doing an intricate study on the life of john keats and i must say that i am saddened by the tragic events in his life. his disturbing childhood, his impoverished life, his inability to marry the woman he loves due to poverty, the death of his beloved brother, and his early death at age twenty-five, it would easily strike a sympathetic nerve in anyone. his poetic contributions are well-loved, and i really feel for him. his sadness and grief is apparent in his works, some of his best works tell such tales of sorrow.

and in a very singaporean way, i would say "aiyah, so poor thing leh"

its easy to feel sympathy for john keats. yet at age twenty five, he has accomplished so much. i think at age twenty five i would be sweeping roads. haha no larh, i would be dish-washing with eve :p haha but i really really enjoy the poems he writes. they are so sincere, genuine and real. so real. maybe i can identify some similarities in our struggles, or maybe its just his great love for his wife-to-be that truly earns my respect. :)

Father, into Your courts i will enter
Maker of Heaven and earth
i tremble in Your holy presence

Glory, glory in Your sanctuary
splendour and majesty Lord
before You, all life adores You

All the earth will declare
that Your love is everywhere
the fields will exalt, seas resound
hear the trees joyful cry
praising You and so will i
a new song i'll sing
Lord i will glorify and bless Your holy Name!

[all the earth][parachute band]

canon D really perks me right up.
did a good share of work today. quite happy. its a good start.
maybe didnt actually do the many hours i planned, but at least i got somewhere.
happy now.. gotta have faith. and confidence. :)

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
i will say of the Lord,
"He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom i trust"

amen.

my brother is hilarious
me: hey kor *holds camera up* smile, gonna take it and put it up
dan: put where? eee dont want larh..
me: aiyah, friendster larh. if not how yr friends recognise u?
dan: now? take some other photo?
me: quick. smile
dan: *tries to smile* okay.
*snap*

me: *laughs* wow damn nice kor
dan: uhh i look like shit.

Hahahahahahaha... :p

okie, no more tagboard. guess toga succeeded in having juin's and mine taken down. well, but it really doesnt matter, because its just damn stupid lor. and childish. toga from ngee ann poly. watch it.

there's absolutely NOTHING to make me smile.
you think i dont want to be happier? or to smile more? or wave happily at everyone i see? i do! when i meet friends or when im out, im cheery beks, i smile, i wave and i laugh. i want to be happy. but inside of me everythings just eating me up and i just feel so frustrated. u think i dont want to feel JOY? or to laugh and actually mean it? or smile because i really feel like smiling cos the worlds so perfect?
HELL YEAH I WOULD LOVE TO.
theres just a damn lot of frustration in me. and i cant seem to find anything.

why love when love has died.

my sappy playlist
aslyn - that's when i love you
three doors down - here without you
greenday - time of your life
avalon - the best thing
sunyanzi - yu jian
tina arena - wasn't it good
dido - white flag
chantal kreviazuk - feels like home
carole king - anyone at all
craig david - world filled with love
evanescence - fields of innocence
uncle kracker - drift away
duncan sheik - half-life
the calling - could it be any harder
eva cassidy - fields of gold
alanis morisette - uninvited
hillsongs - deeply in love
bread - if
switchfoot - learning to breathe

some old songs, some new songs. songs that seem to be stuck in my head for the past week or so. cant ask u guys to download cos technically u cant. but i can send songs to you :)

so its set.

me and eve are gonna be dishwashers since we've decided against being roadsweepers because now everyone want to be a road sweeper so the demand is elastic and hence wages are low! haha her econs. and we're against toiletwashing too cos its gonna be smelly. so we'll wash dishes hehe. talking to her has cheered me up a little, things are in a more optimistic perspective now. hahah thanks sleepycow. oh and we'll marry each other if we cannot find a good husband in the future.

there you go. we've got our future planned already. no more worries. :)

haha we're nonsense.

what am i doing? i don't know.
what am i saying? i don't know
what am i thinking? i don't know.
oh shit this is just a crappy post. bye

But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger

WAH LAU. i really hate it when people who *think* they know me judge me and tell me what to do with my life. its so damn irritating.

and u know whats better? can still be so guai lan about it.

i just got back not too long ago. pardon me, this is going to be a relatively long post. well, met locke for early dinner at adams road, good satay and chicken murtabak, took pictures of the "God governs blahblah" drink stall, and just did the usual catching up.

initially was supposed to go somewhere else but didnt. junwen was having a drinking party and i really wanted to go because i was feeling like shit but coming home drenched in vodka and bacardi wasnt a very nice thought, and getting drunk wont solve anything. im real sorry junwen, yr enlisting tmrw, do take care of yrself buddy. will miss you. dont worry i'll call her. *winks*

yeah so i went back home and just sat by my pool on one of my favourite deck chairs and just stared at the sky for two whole hours. and yeah there wasnt a single star tonight, how sad. and i just thought and thought, beat myself up with frustration and made myself feel worst actually. so i left my things on the deck chair, took off my shoes and ran outside. i ran so fast i could hardly breathe, i ran so hard i couldnt feel the wind. when i finally stopped, i looked up and i saw rgs.

i really miss that school. life was in a way simpler, and things were less complicated. memories of me and my classmates just standing at the amphi singing songs and cheering loudly during celebrations just flooded my mind. memories of walking to rgs and bumping into classmates, friends or juniors, memories of sitting at the bench outside the ncc room and chatting for hours with friends, memories of the cafeteria food that tasted excellent, especially the fried chicken wings on tues and thurs from the malay stall. all these memories were so overwhelming. i just sat on the road[no im not crazy, and yes i had dirty feet] and stared at the school in all of its stupendous glory and i sighed. i dont know why i sighed but i did.

i walked back void of any emotion and just sat back on the deck chair stoning at the dark blue sky. i just felt so lost, and alone. i gathered my thoughts and seemingly sorted through them and realised the amount of shit ive unknowingly gotten myself into, my extreme stupidity or naivity and i sighed again.

i went back up and here i am now. but if theres one thing i earned back today, it was the raffles spirit. rgs played such a pivotal role in my life.

hand in hand we work and strive for the best things in life .

sigh, i'm blanking out.
all my friends are telling me to pull myself together
i really, really wish i could.