i feel bad.
i really do. there were two appointments that i had tonight. one was renita's birthday chalet thing, and one was the cluster gathering at ailings house. wanna figure out which one i went for in the end? yr right. none. i didnt go for both. i dont know why i felt so tired. i dont have anything against ailing or renita for that matter, but i just felt so zonked. i did however spend most of the time at home and my friend came over and i helped him edit stuff for his blog and blah. owell, played some really bad pool then went for a stuffing dinner. yeah that pretty sums up my very uninteresting night. i felt like i was being irresponsible as a friend to both ailing and renita, and i really did beat myself up quite bad inside for being so mean. but i guess this is what a timeout is. just avoiding being really social or what, i mean, just being civil and maybe for once, indifferent.

im getting pretty good at being indifferent and cold. unfeeling and hardened. maybe it works. im not depressed or anything. in fact, im surprised by the joy i feel in me. maybe i should just be what everyone thinks i am. dao. haha im pretty good at staring people up and down. and they come up to me and say aiyah beks, why so daooo and ill be like uh no larh. i cant see u properly. haha which is true to a certain extent. i smile less now, i reserve my smiles for people who really make me smile, instead of just being a superficial optimistic moron who smiles at everyone for no particular reason. yah larh, friendliness. but owell, im supposed to be a cynical bitch now arent i? ;)