hello all from bristol! its lovely!!!!!!! woooooweeee! haha.. i love the scenery and the schools are really nice.. ok shall blog again next time!! missing ya all lots and lots!! hey dipsy i love u!

gen and me

a nice picture. it seems to cheer me up. anyway this was just a random choice. haha and uh gen doesnt look horrible thats why i dared to post it up -gulp- woops. haha later she kill me. anyway..

things to pack

clothes
bible and church stuff
photos and journals
my heart

nah lets leave that last one un-striked.
i can't bear to leave. its like packing my heart off to an unfamiliar place. i should feel lucky. but.

anyway i changed my blog design again. its only temporal. cos i believe internet over there is really slow and i wont have much time anyway so i better keep it simple so that it wouldnt take so damn long to load. anyway today i met adrea for lunch. we ate at nooch, was really stuffed after that and we walked around. she gave me a pig! a hugeee one! it was really nice! really cute! and then i went to meet joe, just to say hello and catch up a little. oh and i met little foot today. haha i gave her this weird look cos i was kinda shocked but i smiled! haha im dao larh. anyway tonights gonna be a busy nite! can hardly wait. ya rite. busy busy. dont think ill be sleeping since ill prob have all the time in the world to sleep on the plane tomorrow. gonna miss everyone.

to watch you leave..why do i feel this way?

settling all the un-settled.
the past week has been a good one, with alot of ups, and a few downs but overall its been a happy week. going to uk on wednesday, and i guess God wanted me to settle all the unsettled stuff before i left, so everything came in-my-face. and i had certain struggles dealing with them and some of them, actually, most of them turned out mighty fine. well, my friend, that appendicitis friend, well she doesnt have it, so yay! haha was really quite thankful that she was ok, cos quite worried. yup. then today something thats been on my mind for a really long time came back to me. evelyn. she was struggling with settling down in whichever church, choosing between familiarity and convenience. today she asked me about the ministries in sjsm and i was affirmed that it was a sign for greater things to come. its really good, cos its been my prayer for a hell of a long time. be patient huh. yup anyway decided to surprise her today by going to her house with a nice white balloon and fruit roll ups.. which i would buy later, but guess what? my white ballooon flew out of the bus window :( and i shrieked and was so upset! den i walked all the way to ntuc amk with my nice fren josco and guess what? NO FRUIT ROLL UPS! :( so then i decided that owell, have to make do with a nice hot apple pie from macs.. a favourite of ours hehe and i brought it to her house. she was surprised to see me and she gave me her yellow saints tee!! yay!!! thanks eve!! -hugs- yer the bestest of the best! :) anyway so now im home and im really living in this little world filled with bliss, love and comfort. hope it lasts

i pray it lasts.

dear Lord,

i've never asked for anything bigger then myself before, so here i go.
right now i'll like to pray for my friend who has suspected appendicitis.
Father i know its quite painful and it can be quite serious
i pray that You'll just help her no matter whether the outcome is positive.
now its 90percent confirmed and i guess its pretty much sure
but i pray in faith that You'll work Your miracles on her.
i pray that she'll be ok and that You're peace will forever be in her heart.
i pray for healing Lord that she will not feel too much pain and that she
will find comfort and rest in Your arms. Thank You Lord

amen.

happy and smiling!
this picture is such a happy cheery shot! woohoo! i like! so happy hehe.

three cows in church
these are the three cows! mooky, browncow and me. yup the picture looks nice, they came to our church. was really caught off guard. but anyway here's a nice shot of us :)

nerdy poks!
haha this picture is horrendous! i cant believe im posting this up. just found it kinda cute. we look so nerdy and retarded, especially me! i look like im crazy plus im completely disregarding the rg uniform and disgracing it whilest the rest are just really cute. haha, from left to right its me, rachel, sarah, sk and zach! yup anyway am feeling alot happier today, altho sick. but here's a nice cheery song to cheer you up. check out don't dream its over and enjoy!

haha and this song is for gen, cos i read it off her blog and ive been stuck on it for like how long. haha yup you are right! its linger!!! haha

crazy kind of stonified

its just past eleven now.. kinda quite stoned. but then again im always stoned. feel like posting somnething thought-provoking, something that would make others or even myself, think. anyway am at sarahs house now, yup everythings more or less settled, thank God, yet there's something that still lingers in my head, something concrete that just won't go away. i'm still trying to figure out what that something is. then again, i'm one heck of a confused girl, so owell. anyway over the past few weeks, i've learnt many lessons, most hard, some even considerably painful, but ultimately, God-timed. i guess i've never been one to let God be God. meaning that i've been too dependent on myself, and on other things such as friends, school and other materialistic things of the world. i've for one, always struggled with pride. i would never allow myself to be undermined by anyone, or looked down upon. i've always had this strong security in pride, something tbat i could hold fast to even when my limitations have been exhausted. i've always pushed for higher ground, never letting up any opportunity, always striving to excel. and many times, i fail. and failure is something that i find increasingly difficult to deal with. everytime i fail i feel a great sense of disappointment in myself, it was as though something in me had let myself down. thus the extent of feeling despondent.

i've always tried my best in what i've done or will do, i've not allowed myself to fail, in some sense. it was as if my mind was mechanically controlled by my desire to excel. my siblings are doing very well in school and somehow or another i always feel some sort of inferiority not being in a renowned school or doing something amazing. what i chose was to be different, and being different has its consequences, and different paths that follow on after that. i made that choice, and now that failure seems to be the only way for me to succeed, it comes as a great shock to me, cos all along i thought i was capable and able to multitask several thing. oh, but how wrong i was. not only have i failed to prove anything to myself, or to my parents, or to whoever, i've led myself to feeling nothing more then inadequacy now. then i realised the great, i mean really great dependency on myself and on my vessels. i guess i have to empty those vessels for them to be used by God, i have to give up what i deem as securities and let go and let God be God. because its only then will i truly be able to find myself, the one person i was supposed to be, the me that God created, and not someone others have created.

so what then is my point? i guess my purpose in writing this all is to say that, yes, all of us have been hurt before in some way or another. we have had our share of joys, sorrows and tribulations, as well as trials and temptations. but its how we deal with it that matters. we can choose to run away, like many of us do, myself included, or we can choose to face up to reality and meet the consequences that follow on, be it something grudgingly unbearable, or be it something pleasant. let life throw whatever it has at you, and deal with it with the simplest of all resolutions -- prayer. prayer is something we all take for granted. when we are unhappy, desperate or simply unresolved, we turn to God in prayer, most of the times in absolute vulnerability. yet at times when we've celebrated joys and been through the many congratulations, we have failed to be thankful. we are such ungrateful people who only seek God when needed. true prayer that comes from the heart combined with just that little bit of faith gives you the most powerful resolution of all time, a miracle.

i've been waiting for my miracle for years, and its been tiring waiting for it, but i'll believe, i'll pray and i'll throw in a great amount of faith along with it. thats the best recipe for a miracle.

will you, also start your miracle today?

words can say

i'll turn back the clock for you
i'll make things alright
you mean more then words can say
can you please, please stay?

life is so empty, without you around
i cant seem to find any common ground
i'm losing my foothold, cos you're not beside me
standing beside me, to hold me.

chorus
the hardest thing to say is i'm sorry i'm sorry
thats not enough to bring you back near me
i want to be right there and tell you i love you
i love you, so much, more then words can say.

i love you too much, thats precisely why it hurts so badly. will u ever realise that?

eve and me

me and my pretty friend. heh. here eve! dont need the mirror larh. look here. see.. nice right? haha ur the best sleepycow.. chin up! :)

MY COW IS CALLED DANNY!???!?!!?!?? wahahahahha kudos gen kudos. haha

i couldn't get to sleep. guess waking up at two in the afternoon has its consequences. anyway i thought that maybe i was kept awake cos i was hungry. so i proceeded to get some cup noodles and after downing about three quarter of it, i had this weirdest feeling in my stomach and in a few seconds, it all came out, thankfully in the dustbin. after puking i didnt feel like doing anything but lying down so i hoped i would fall asleep, but no, i just felt worst so i drank some chrysanthemum tea.. a quick dosage always heals gastric for me. but nah, i'm shivering now cos i'm cold and i'm ghastly pale. okay shall get a grip on myself and force myself to bed.

respect. its hard to earn and easy to lose.
that was my phrase of the day for yesterday. anyway last night was an exhilarating one. ive not gone for overnight cycling in a billon years and i wasnt planning on doing so either last night. i was just meeting andrea for supper at the ole newton circus when she suggested biking there. so i was like ok! why not.. anyway its not very far off from my place and hers. so we biked there and had supper and we decided later in the craziest spur of the moment to cycle thru some uluiated place and we ended up at paragon. that was after i had crashed head-on into a lamp post. haha dont ask me how, i just did. so much for being careful. i was going too fast then at the junction in order to stop i crashed boom! and i flew off my bike. thankfully nothings too wrong with me now, just a tad bit groggy. we then continued on to cycle to plaza sing and we parked just outside bakers inn and we sat inside some air-con place singing away happily! we sang and we sang and after that the security guards took us on a tour of both atrium buildings and brought us to see the mtv office. wahaha how cool is that! anyway was doggone tired when i came back so i just woke up around 2. really tired still. my bones and muscles are aching from that short exercise yesterday. haha hilarious. have quite a few things to do this afternoon. hmmm..structure beks, structure! -furrows brows-

today was quite shocking, to see brown cow and all. but it went well, took alota stupid pictures.. and took some even stupider ones with gen. haha she'll just murder me if i put them up......maybe i should now. haha. yes gen? :)

this pain is too real, its too much for me to bear
can i go on living life in darkness and despair?

im holding on to what seems right
a path thats guided by Your light

but please don't let me slip
cos i've fallen from grace
yes i've fallen from grace

You are Psalms.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
hahaha im pslams. jokes. haha this is really quite amusing. but my favourite books are psalms and romans. so..hmmm..

You're nothing, really. But you're nice.


What type of music are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
how sad im not a type of music. but thats true.. im rather indifferent..

I'm not the type of girl that will let them see her cry
yes. i won't let anyone see my cry, even if my tears are desperately struggling to be constrained, i will not let anyone see me cry. this sentence was taken from the song stronger by sugababes. was just listening to it and realised that through this whole struggle ive really learnt how to be stronger, how to stand up for what i believe in, how to be honest and most importantly, how to be me.

somethimes I feel so down and out
like emotions that's been captured in a maze
I had my ups and downs
trials and tribulations
I overcome it day by day
feelin good almost powerful
a new me that's what I'm looking for

this new me will be a stronger me. someone who firmly believes in God's promises and His plans. i often appear strong and emotionally enduring but in true fact i am just like others, im vulnerable, especially vulnerable to getting hurt. and it builds up this deep cynism in me that makes me the way i am. bull-headed and tenacious. but through this all, ive learnt to be strong, strong in the spirit, strong in my faith and strong in the truth that i always so readily proclaim. thanks to a friend that has helped me realise all this. and to realise that love does not just exist within the contains of a romantic love, but it can be especially special between friends. i am thankful, because i have found what i have been searching for. and i'm really glad.

was out today. went for a quick dinner with nitro and den watched phone booth. stupid show. apart from the fact that the show was unbelievably boring, the ending was terrible and absolutely predictable. so owell the best part was when we just sat down for two potato salads and orange juice at the mph coffee place. cant remember the name. haha shall check it out. talked really long and nitro helped me to calm myself and reflect. which added to the great talk i had with ailing too. she understands me so well that its quite scary, but i really have alot to thank her for, i am what i am because she has so carefully guided me along in my walk with God. yup. nitro also helped me cheer up by going out. really thank God for him. anyway filming wrapped today, thankfully. felt really bad having to puff cigarettes and scream f all over. sheesh. all in the name of professionalism. bah to that.

anyway meeting winston for breakfast tm..and weelock for lunch! haha he's treating...right? :p haha and then chord appreciation course at my house.. den dinner with kids and movie! wooohoo! gonna be busy! at least it beats filming ya? :) and to my annoymous.. just get the crap shit out of my blog la..get a life first, think properly den come back and disturb me k? u have been troubling dopey too. really it doesnt affect us one bit. its quite amusing to see a loser like you get so caught up in this web of gutless, mindless debates. only to provoke responses from people who dont give a shite about you. so really, just walk away, we promise we wont laugh too hard at your departing back.

There isn't much I haven't shared
with you along the road,
and through it all
there'd always be
tomorrow's episode

Suddenly that isn't true
there's another avenue
beckoning the great divide
ask no questions
take no sides

who's to say who's right or wrong
who's coarse is braver run
still we are, have always been, will ever be as one

what is done has been done for the best
though the mist in my eyes might suggest
just a little confusion about what I lose
but if I started over
I know I would choose
the same joys
the same sadness
each step of the way
that fought me and taught me
that friends never say
Never say goodbye
never say goodbye
never say goodbye
never say goodbye
never say goodbye

I would choose
the same joys
the same sadness
each step of the way
that fought me
and taught me
that friends never say
Never say goodbye
never say goodbye
never say goodbye
never say goodbye
never say goodbye

feeling a strange sense of satisfaction
today was a crazy day. insanely tiring. had filming this morning till 10, den rushed down to basc[heartfriends] for some volunteer work. todays filming was nutical. i had to scream the f word many times into the camera and i had to angrily cry out.. u know.. like crying type of angry, so was a little difficult cos i was really tired and so not in the mood to be angry, much less to just cry. so i was rather relieved when i managed to kick my ass outta filming and head down to the before-after-school centre.

well, i reached around ten and i was sent to help with the english programme for the primary one students. there were the particularly naughty ones, and the few guai ones who attentively did their work. oh! there was this really pretty primary one girl, felicia, man, shes gonna grow up to be some belle or sth :) yup, and it was painfully difficult trying to teach the slower kids their english but with enduring patience, the kids and i nailed some words and vocab into their heads. they were rally playful, always standing up and asking for sweets, or being easily distracted. focus would hardly be an apt word for them. heh, but they were lovingly adorable and i felt like i was looking after my kid sister again. they clambered all over me, rubbed my hair, called me a ghost cos i had red hair haha and uhhh pinched my butt. but that was only once. haha and they were all fighting to hold my hand and walk with me. felt like a celebrity. wha. haha kidding larh. it was really nice to be able to teach them, in a way it reduced me to being more simple-minded, naive and innocent. to feel childish all over again and just appreciate the simple things we have in life, friends

to serve with the cell kids just inspired me greatly. their willingness to serve acted as a motivation for me to want to serve more selflessly. really have learnt alot from them. and today was also a great day for us as teenagers, to learn. to learn how to humble ourslves, lay down our pride and to just serve with all we have.

i really had alot to say last night and i got really frustrated by bloggers internal server error so i gave up and went to bed. now that ive finally got here, i cant really remember what i was so excited to write about. sheesh. memories only last for a moment. went to church yesterday and for the first time in many years, i missed youth service. and all because i was super sleepy. i was like dozing off when i walked into service yesterday so i decided to go to the toilet and wash my face..and lo and behold i realised that i had to get something from the car so i went there and fell asleep in the car. i woke up very cooked, and very embarrassed and i was flustered when i realised that i had a few miss calls here and there. but owell, i felt really bad larh so yeah i was really tired, went out with cell people and i went back early cos i was too damn tired to walk any further so i went back and slept.

oh then i met this friend for dinner, haha and u wouldnt believe the incredulous mode of transport we opted for. we were so hyped up about riding a trishaw so we took a train from cityhall to bugis and we found our trishaw man. so we asked him to take us to esplanade, like any other tourist and he sped off with us.. then came the nail-biting revelation. he was 75!!!!! oh my goodness. i felt so so bad after that. i couldnt enjoy the ride because everytime he pushed so hard against the peddle with so much effort, i felt as though he was pulling at my heartstrings. gulp. ok, no more trishaw rides ever. ah, im in a good mood now, waiting anxiously(oh please..) for my turn to film. haha. the red-haired monster strikes again! sheesh.

"night and day, i seek Your face. Long for You, in the secret place, all i want, in this life, is to truly know You more"

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos your reality
I know what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
but out there I've build my own world to the sky

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear
Of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

was just listening to the carpenters, heard of them? they were the ones who brought hits like close to you, top of the world and yesterday once more etc.. and i was just listening to karen carpenters voice. its really beautiful, she doesnt slur over her words, she has clear enunciation of her words, she sings with such passion and drive that it makes me wonder how, above all these things, she chose to live her life through her own eyes. she died due to aneroxia, she didnt eat and was surviving on a measly amount of veggies and bread thru the days. when she discovered that she was aneroxic, she tried hard to overcome it, but finally she succumbed to this deadly eating disorder. its really a darn shame that she should die this way, when God has blessed her with such an amazing voice. im sure anyone who has heard their songs would have her voice etched into our minds like a repeating recorder, such a sweet voice. i just feel that its really a great pity for her to die thinking that she was probably "too fat". and it makes me wonder as to how it all started out? pressure to perform? a boyfriends remarks gone sour? or maybe just her own expectations? ive seen many friends, smtimes even myself, go on crazy diets in an attempt to be slim or skinny. its nuts you know? i guess dieting is subjective and a very touchy topic to debate on, but i think that if it goes to the extent of becoming an eating disorder, then it really isnt worth it. sheesh.

anyway shall not expound on that too much today. i feel guilty for not feeling guilty. hmm.. what i mean is that ive done something wrong but instead of feeling guilty, i feel nonchalent, and i feel bad for feeling that way. i didnt go for cell-leaders training. i deliberately switched my worship pracs cos of one particular reason. maybe its not enough to reason out my open defiance but it satisfies my reasoning for now. sigh. anyway did i tell u? i got whacked in the jaw again. sheesh, people really have bad aiming. this time i tried to move away fast but it still got me square on the jaw. sheesh. and oh, i was just sitting down, waiting for my turn to film again and then suddenly i heard this 'ker-plop' sound and i realised that my friend had tripped over my foot. goodness. she sprained her ankle u know!! ahhhh.. but its not my fault right? i didnt know my foot would cause such..damage? yikes. sorry sorry, and the worst thing was that i was so blur that i asked her why she was sitting in front of me whining. -knocks head against computer table- ah huh. blur again.maybe its just me being slow.

yikes. couldn't sleep much. recently its been like that. i would sleep at an un-earthly hour, and then wake up one or two hours later. it starts with the tumbling in bed and then it proceeds on to the wide-eyed gawking at the ceiling. after a few minutes, i just clamber out of bed in frustration and head for the old dowdy computer which surprisingly brings me much comfort, after reading pastor daniel's answers to the questions a friend asked me. i couldnt answer my friend simply because i lacked in my knowledge and foundation in the word of God and whatever i said or attempted to convey to him didnt suffice. and for that matter, he would rebutt my every argument with a stronger argument complete with evidence and a bibliography. goodness, he really has something to prove. but like i said before, he doesnt get to me. sure he gives me questions about my faith, he allows that teeny wee bit of doubt to siff its way in, but still, i am unmoved, i am unswayed. anyway recently its not like ive been a very feeling person anyway. theres this perpetual blank stare on my face and it is clear, if not to anyone else but me, that steel endures behind my sleepy, emotionless expressions. i am not easily brought down and i will not tolerate such audacity. gee, im sounding too fierce. the proliferation of my vocabulary is seemingly decreasing but i really cant be bothered. and im not gonna say im tired, cos im not. im gonna get through all this stronger.

Everbody wants to be loved
Every once in a while
We all need someone to hold on to
Just like a helpless child
Can you whisper in my ear
Let me know it's all right

It's been a long time coming
Down this road
And now I know what I've been waiting for
And like a lonely highway
I'm trying to get home
loves been a long time coming

You can look for a lifetime
You can love for a day
You can think you got everything
Everything is nothing when you throw it away
Then you look in my eyes and I have it all once again

"tamper not with my heart, for it is frail and weak"