crazy kind of stonified

its just past eleven now.. kinda quite stoned. but then again im always stoned. feel like posting somnething thought-provoking, something that would make others or even myself, think. anyway am at sarahs house now, yup everythings more or less settled, thank God, yet there's something that still lingers in my head, something concrete that just won't go away. i'm still trying to figure out what that something is. then again, i'm one heck of a confused girl, so owell. anyway over the past few weeks, i've learnt many lessons, most hard, some even considerably painful, but ultimately, God-timed. i guess i've never been one to let God be God. meaning that i've been too dependent on myself, and on other things such as friends, school and other materialistic things of the world. i've for one, always struggled with pride. i would never allow myself to be undermined by anyone, or looked down upon. i've always had this strong security in pride, something tbat i could hold fast to even when my limitations have been exhausted. i've always pushed for higher ground, never letting up any opportunity, always striving to excel. and many times, i fail. and failure is something that i find increasingly difficult to deal with. everytime i fail i feel a great sense of disappointment in myself, it was as though something in me had let myself down. thus the extent of feeling despondent.

i've always tried my best in what i've done or will do, i've not allowed myself to fail, in some sense. it was as if my mind was mechanically controlled by my desire to excel. my siblings are doing very well in school and somehow or another i always feel some sort of inferiority not being in a renowned school or doing something amazing. what i chose was to be different, and being different has its consequences, and different paths that follow on after that. i made that choice, and now that failure seems to be the only way for me to succeed, it comes as a great shock to me, cos all along i thought i was capable and able to multitask several thing. oh, but how wrong i was. not only have i failed to prove anything to myself, or to my parents, or to whoever, i've led myself to feeling nothing more then inadequacy now. then i realised the great, i mean really great dependency on myself and on my vessels. i guess i have to empty those vessels for them to be used by God, i have to give up what i deem as securities and let go and let God be God. because its only then will i truly be able to find myself, the one person i was supposed to be, the me that God created, and not someone others have created.

so what then is my point? i guess my purpose in writing this all is to say that, yes, all of us have been hurt before in some way or another. we have had our share of joys, sorrows and tribulations, as well as trials and temptations. but its how we deal with it that matters. we can choose to run away, like many of us do, myself included, or we can choose to face up to reality and meet the consequences that follow on, be it something grudgingly unbearable, or be it something pleasant. let life throw whatever it has at you, and deal with it with the simplest of all resolutions -- prayer. prayer is something we all take for granted. when we are unhappy, desperate or simply unresolved, we turn to God in prayer, most of the times in absolute vulnerability. yet at times when we've celebrated joys and been through the many congratulations, we have failed to be thankful. we are such ungrateful people who only seek God when needed. true prayer that comes from the heart combined with just that little bit of faith gives you the most powerful resolution of all time, a miracle.

i've been waiting for my miracle for years, and its been tiring waiting for it, but i'll believe, i'll pray and i'll throw in a great amount of faith along with it. thats the best recipe for a miracle.

will you, also start your miracle today?