i am
little bit of loneliness
a little bit of disregard
a handful of complaints
but i can't help the fact
that everyone can see these scars
i am
what i want you to want
what i want you to feel
but it's like
no matter what i do
i can't convince you
to just believe this is real
so i let go
watching you
turn your back like you always do
face away and pretend that i'm not
but i'll be here
cause you're all i got

i can't feel
the way i did before
don't turn your back on me
i won't be ignored
time won't heal
this damage anymore
don't turn your back on me
i won't be ignored

i am
a little bit insecure
a little unconfident
cause you don't understand
i do what i can
but sometimes i don't make sense
i am
what you never want to say
but i've never had a doubt
it's like no matter what i do
i can't convince you
for once just to hear me out

no
hear me out now
you're gonna listen to me
like it or not right now[x2]

cos you're all i've got.

i'm a sillysillycow. :)

off to do work. MUST. now. NOW. *laughs*

i've been so out of sorts.

some silly things ive done so far : arranging to meet 3 people for breakfast, oversleeping and so standing all of them up, realising that only one hour after i've woken up. falling down the mrt stairs, leaving my house this morning without my wallet, my appetites decreasing quite greatly, oversleeping on the bus and thus missing my stops, and ordering food that i dont usually eat.

and thats not all of it. wth is wrong with me? whysoblurwhysoblur? sighh*

try as i might, i can't sleep.

somethings bugging me larh. ack. whatever

something keeps drawing me to that particular blog. dont know what, dont know why. but everytime i read it, i feel happy, cos it captured wonderful memories of many things and when i read it, i feel so pleasant and content. this person also makes me feel strangely secure and self-confident. thank you

i wish i could find the right words.
to make you stay.

i fell down the stairs today. blurbeks does it again, so now my hips really hurt. met gen for ice cream yumyum butterscotch and passed her stuff before meeting pris, sk and stephan at getthis. jurong point!!!! uhhhhh.. for lunch at swensens. had a real good chat and talked to stephan too.

and for the sadder part of my day. my morning was a sad one. and my evening, a worst one.

gonna put in todays entry before i sleep. i want to..

thank GOD for answering prayers
last night i prayed for a friend of mine to come to church today because she hasnt attended in a long while, and this morning i spent a minute or so talking to her and saying how she looks so "black" amen!
thank GOD for bringing me friends when i most needed it
thank you for praying for me. had a hard time trying to keep sane and steady on stage today. yr prayers bring much assurance to me.. really. i always feel alot better after talking to you, and i really appreciate u being there for me. :) and another out of point thing..... nice hair :) heh, thanks heroine, for saving me yet again....!! :)
thank GOD for showing me HE loves me thru the simplest things
todays confirmation service wasnt like any other service i had. even all those anonymous aunties coming up to me and hugging me and telling me that ive made my parents proud[?!!?! yah i know.] and telling me they appreciate my talent. God wanted to encourage me, and so has He done so. :)
thank GOD for the good day
even though i nearly bawled my eyes out to heroine, i had a relatively good time worshipping with mich[gospel friend.. :)] and the worship team. confirmation service was good, took alot of photos, will upload them soon. took pictures of miss wong and her boyfriend and others. heh, she looked real pretty today. and then went to rachels house to film some stuff for her proj, before heading to karaoke with my babes! heh, sang alot and did crazy things. sang i will survive. and ate a hell lot. haha have pictures too. kay thats about it.

praise God in the highest! ALL glory, honour and blessings to GOD forever and ever amen!

haha please ignore this. im just really bored now so gonna do it. but yup, maybe you'll know me better. *grin*

BASICS
First Name: rebekah
Middle Name: rosemary[yah right. :p]
Last Name: lin
Any Nicknames: beks, doopsy, sniffles2, orange, beky, hooch, lazeecow, mechanic, reebs, xiaogua. alot larh.
Age: seventeen going on eighteen.
Birthdate: 27 dec 1985
Zodiac Sign: capricorn
Where were you born at: national uni hospital
Where do you live: s'pore
Have you ever moved: yepp
If so, where did you move from and to where: from sixth ave to near town/rgs
Eye Color: brown.
Hair Color: faded red, brownish larh.
Hair Length: neither here nor there. a mess.
wavy/straight/curly hair: straight. i think.
Weight(dont lie): 45kg
Skin(pale,white,tan,dark,black): tanned. muahaha. i like.
Have you ever dyed your hair: yepp of course
If so, what color: red. blonde and brown. is blonde a colour? hmm.
School: none. previously rgs
Grade: techincally j2
Mascot: molly the cow heheh.. :p
Name 5 words to describe yourself: meticulous, sentimental, emotional, adventurous, devoted?
Siblings: 2 of them
Names: daniel + rachel
Parents Names: andy + hweehua
Pets: hamsters and rabbits
If so,how many and whats their names: a hell lot. dont know names.
Any Tattoos: nope
Any Piercings: one of each ear is enough. i can scream quite loud only.
Braces: yeah
Freckles: nope
Glasses/contacts: both.. mostly specs

FRIENDS
Of your friends which is the..... Best: eve, gen, winst, sarah, bert all about the same larh
Funniest: bert! man o man o man! :)
Prettiest: uh....evelyn :) heh and her million dollar smile :)
Smartest: winston haha
Craziest: sk and the boys. all flippin mad
Most likely to succeed: winston and gen?
Hangs with you most: church people mostly
Best Style: ian ortega has good style.
Flirtiest: zac? haha i dont know
Quietest: sometimes sarah, if not its sharon?
Loudest: priscilla! heh *grin*
Sweetest: gen :)
One you share all your secrets with: gen:)
Weirdest: adrea teh? haha i dont know.
Blondest: sarah the big bimbo! she's got her own song!! :p
The one that lives farthest away: josco! pasir ris only. scary.
The one that lives closest: sean yeo! hehe me pal.
One you have known the longest: jiah has to be jiah. haha since 2 months?

Love Life
GF/BF/Single: dubious. seriously.
If you have a BF/GF whats their name: haha uh...
How long have you been together: uh.........
Are you in love with them: i guess if ur with someone u have to be loving them right.
Do you have a crush: oh yeah many! haha
Name: you larh. :)
Does this person know: haiyo. no. its all just eye candy.
Do you think you will ever date this person: no larh.
First Kiss: my parents on my cheek when i was born *winks*
First Crush: my pri 4 pe teacher! hahaha
Last BF/GF you had: uh.. my friends brother
Do you still like them: not in that way.
Have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry: yes.
What was your worst breakup: the last one. i made a big boohoo.
What is the longest relationship you have been in: 28days! muahahaha
With who: my friends brother heh
Why did you all break up: i thought i liked him. but i guess time told all the differences.
What is the first thing you notice about a guy/girl when you meet them: their eyes and hair.
Turn On: nice eyes!
Turn Off: stinky attitudes
Have you ever fell in love with a friend: yes.
Would you rather have a long term relationship or date around: long-term.
If love were a color it would be: an ocean-like colour. vast.
If love were a shape it would be: box thats all locked up. dont know why.
Whats your ideal of a perfect date: gazing at the stars late at night and just sipping a drink.
Whats your ideal guy/girl: no exact one leh

FUTURE
Do you want to get married: i'm in the nun's club. yeah i do larh
If so,what age would you like to be married: 26-29
Who will you marry: my future husband i suppose
What do you want to do when grow up: law/writing/singing
Where will you live: somewhere private and cosy
Do you want to have kids: ah huh.
If so, how many: 2 boys 2 girls
What would you name them: too many leh. uh.. got alot larh. lazy to list.

THIS OR THAT
Coke/Pepsi: pepsi twist
Pen/Pencil: pens for writing, pencils for drawing
Vanilla/Chocolate: vanilla :)
Hug/kiss: both!
Lights on/off: off. i can stare at my ceiling for hours.
Dark/light: light. depends on what larh.
Rose/lily: rose.
Boy/girl: no particular preference
Dr Pepper/Mt.Dew: dr pepper! :):)
McDonalds/Burger King: burger king. macs can kill me.
Sandals/shoes: sandals
N'Sync/BSB: neither
Britney/Christina: christina sings better. thats about it
Justin Timberlake/Nick Carter: justin.
CD/Tape: cd
Phone/Computer: both necessary.
Skittles/M'n'M's: skittles! heh
Rich and unhappy/poor and happy: poor and happy.
Tootsie pops/blow pops: HuH?
1 pillow/or 2: 2

COMPUTER
What kind of computer do you have: ibm desktop
How many S/N's do you have: what the hey is that?
What kind of messengers do you have: msn+icq+irc but irc hardly.
How many email addys do you have: two.
How many buddies are on your buddy list: quite a bit.
How many buddies are online right now: 12 on msn and 20 on icq
Which ones are you talking to: none. not in a sociable mood.
How do you know them: uhh?
How often do you stay on the internet: everday

FAVORITES
Color: blue, black, white, cyan.
Food: chicken rice. i think.
Song: feels like home by chantel kreviazuk. is that how u spell it.
Group: carpenters hehe
Solo Singer: eva cassidy
Movie: turnleftturnright was great.
Tv Show: hollandvee and cant believe im saying this but beautiful days.
Beverage: ice lemon tea, lemon barley, root beer[sometimes only] iced milk tea.
Alcoholic beverage: brown cow. [haha NO its not what yr thinking of.]
Subject: history and lit
Teacher: mrs tan yioe hwa, rgs. she was the best :)
Store in the mall: zara! topshop. alot larh. gazillions. no money tho. *sobs*
Radio station: perfect 10 i guess
Flower: indian rose.
Book: an angel for may. damn touching*
Day of the week: fridays.
Animal: puppies.
Holiday: nov/dec hols.
Sport: netball.
Fast food: long john silver/yoshinoya
Color to wear: white/stripes haha/wallpaper! :)
Number: 7 :)
Actress: charlize theron/cameron diaz! wooot*
Actor: orlando bloom woooot*
MTV Show: non-stop hits
Place to eat: sakae/nydc
Ice cream flavor: thin mint :) and butterscotch. vanilla too.
Magazine: haha none actually. i read 8days haha! at home larh...

Questions
Have you ever cheated on a test: hah yeah.. in chinese!! hehe
Cut your own hair: no....... im terrible with estimation.
Dyed your own hair: no.. if not i'll anyhow wack lor
Have you ever been in a fight: uh what kind? fightfight? no.
If so, how many times: zero.
Skinny Dipped: yeah! in my shower. no larh of course not.
Skipped School: *blank stare* these questions were made for me! haha yesyesyes!
Stayed home on a Saturday: yeah, to rest.
Streaked: no larh
Toilet papered someones house/car: as if im so free?
Paintballed someones house/car etc: haha no.. dont even have paintguns or what have yous
Got toilet papered: yeah.. during discovery camp. the kids rolled me up in toilet paper heh
Smoked Weed: no..
Been so drunk you puked: yepp! hahaha first actual time i did was just outside newton. rmb?
Been drunk: many times
Got in trouble with the police: yeah..
If so, for what: for alleged attempted suicide. it was so bloody funny.
Went to a concert: yep!
If so,who did you go with and who was in concert: vj peeps forbidden city
Played spin the bottle: yes
Played 7 minutes in heaven: nope
Ran away from home: yeah in sec3
Stolen something: yeah. coldsto at kap. i feel so shamed now man
Broken a bone: yeah... many.
Cheated on a BF/GF: maybe. haii.
Fell asleep in class: duh. haha all the time.
Gone to jail/juvenile: no
Been in the hospital: yeahh
Flashed someone: SIAO.
Gotten lost on a vacation: yepp, im beks u know. haha blur queen.

What/Who do you think of when you hear the name.. Tara- tara reid.
Jeremy- my godbrother
Joe- friend in aussie. funky guy man.
Shane- shane west from walk to remember
Billy- billy elliot.
Tim- acjc ad4 classmate
Josh- hahahaha. dotdotdot.
Ashley- uh..... dont know.
Ben- affleck
Amanda- church.. zac's cousin
Sally- rgs teacher
Sweet Pea- haha uh.. don't know.
Peanut butter- my grandfather
Hay- after reading xy's quiz, her. haha
David- my uncle.
Derrick- from church
Danny- this is weird, but daph's brother.
Allen- allan wu
Jodie- foster i guess
Michelle- gospel friend!! :) *beams*
Crystal- rgs classmate.. haha damn sporty
Brandon- acjc classmate
Jamie- no one.
kelly- rowland.
Heather- church.. heather howell.
Beth- bethany
Mike- haha korkor.
Justin- timberlake
Stacey- roll of thunder.
Isaac- my husband from the bible.

SOME OTHER QUESTIONS
Do you drive: no. but i will soon! muahaha
Do you have a car: not mine.
If so,what kind of car do you have: not mine!!! grrrr
What kind of car do you want: lexus
Do you think you will ever get your dream car: hopefully heh
Do you wish you were older/younger than you are: yeah i do feel that way at times
If so,what age and why: 14 for my kids, 20plus for my older friends larh
Do you like to party: not really
How often do you go to parties: hardly
Do you drink: yes
Do you smoke: hell no
Do you cuss: yeah we all do.
Do you consider yourself attractive: no.
Do you consider yourself a nice girl/boy: sometimes haha
Do you have a CD burner: yeah
What did you do yesterday: cant remember. uh.. dined with my gramps. oh. confirmation retreat
What did you do today: went to church, rachels house and den home
What are you doing tommorrow: sleep. lunch with prisLOVE! heh
What are you doing this weekend: i dont plan for more then 2days?
What did you do last weekend: was sick. stayed home
What are you gonna do when this is over: workworkwork *sigh

THE LAST....
Thing you ate: big plate of horfun. i swear its the biggest.
Thing you drank: iced lemon tea
Song you heard: words, beegees
Show you watched: cant remember
Thing you said: "i'll eat later" to my parents just five mins ago.
Person you saw: my parents
Person who called you: clement
Person you called: home, to open the damn door
person you hugged: rachel, as i was leaving her house
Person to ride in your car: huh. no car leh
who's car you rode in: taxi? haha the blue car.
Movie you watched: turnleftturnright i think.
Person you talked to on the internet: adrea.
Person that instant messaged you: sk

so dead. so dead.

awake at this ungodly time with worship prac tmr at 8am. so dead. how to wake up. work unfinished, things not packed. i should shoot myself. now.

you know what? im reallly shocked. shocked beyond anybody's comprehension. i was just looking at the chatterflooble in rachel's blog, and the history, because she said sth had happened there and asked me to look. and when i did go see the history and every recorded message posted in it, i nearly died there and then. the language, the words exchanged, and the people i knew.

it hurts so much i could cry.

you drive me crazy
haha hilarious evening. met angie, sueanne and sk at hollandvee kfc for dinner/meeting. it was real funny cos i kept making fun of angie's hwachong methodical style and we were arranging locations in alphabetical order! haha u know.. in line with her systematic working style? :p heh quite funny:) den had alota hilarious ideas that just threw us into peals of laughter. den sueanne drove us to angie's place to take the photos and we just hung around and chilled out to some really great music! and we were looking at photos and stuff.. and waiting for her brother. muahahah ya right. den sueanne drove me and sk back. it was damn funny cos she was so kanchiong and sk kept giving her last minute directions. haha am still happy:)

ohmygoodness! i love you! thanks so much! :):):):)

sick. again. its like a vicious cycle.

i got it first, den i passed it to my bro, den he passed it to my sis, and now she's passed it back to me just as i am about to recover. haha hilarious only.

but i still am happy.

culture exposure
couldnt think of an apt title for this entry, so just ignore it. the past few days have been good, because God has been healing my hurts, and restoring my soul. He has strengthened me in so many ways, and i learnt how to truly praise Him when darkness overwhelms my soul. and also wanna thank God for the friends that He has surrounded me with. without a doubt, God is faithful. i asked for one friend -- which was God himself, and He gave me much more. so thanks gen, jimmy, locke, adrian and bertrand. really thank God for you guys *hugs*

yup been talking to bert quite a bit recently. met him at my secretstudyplace* which isnt so secret now. haha and yeah was catching up with him over the phone. its good to talk to him again, haha sharing all our different hilarious stories. yeah, and God made monday so perfect, and there was NOTHING that irritated me or made me angry for that day. i was happy and contented. and ive completed a hefty amount of work during the past two days, and im pretty happy with myself.

went to study with joel today before heading down to esplanade to catch forbidden city with dila, renita and nab. it was a great show with great music, so to you guys its your loss! ha! no larh, there'll be a next time. but yeah had a good dinner with the girls and chatted with them, catching up, and it was so liberating to actually be 'more of myself' with renita on weekdays then i am on sundays. dont know how to explain it, but we were both just so happy it was a weekday. headed to south*bridge[again..!!] with dila and sipped a browncow[how apt.] haha and just laxed to the jazz. it was very relaxing. and we met these two norweigian[spelling..?] guys and we gained new insights on each others cultures, pretty interesting. pretty tired now, but these days spent not worrying, not frowning, have been splendidly wonderful. heh and in case gen u didnt see it yet..

[gen.] -- tu es mon amie speciale et je te cheris toujours!

i like playing canonD on the piano. even if its not in D.

why am i blogging so much today? dunno. shall delete later

angst. bah, but thanks eve for canon D. i love you.

[gen.] -- tu es mon amie speciale et je te cheris toujours!

i'm tired.

One thing i don't know why it doesn't even matter how hard you try
All I know -- Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually
Be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

I put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There's only one thing you should know

if i ran into a truck for you, would you give a damn?

without a doubt, one of the worst days i could have
its ironic isnt it? when you actually care, it hurts so much more. i feel so disorientated. its like everything i wanted for my cell or even for myself has disintegrated into.. nothing.

its not like i didnt try. i tried so hard, maybe too hard. beats not trying at all. where has my heart gone? where's my focus? i prepared cell word with so much joy in my heart, i wanted to share with them a part of me they never knew. and this topic was so relevant, and somehow the whole atmospheric tension today just culminated into me feeling like there's no point even trying at all anymore.

im tired. really tired. why the hell do i keep trying?

but you know what truly hurts? its when people who know that i struggle so much to be a cell leader who make things doubly hard for me and truly complicated? boy does it hurt. especially when yr so close to me. :(

sighhh guess it doesnt last*

ay shit my bro caught my fever from me. feelsobad. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

and jess left already. today. arghhhhhhhhhh *cries*

i wanna break down the walls and empty my frustration into the pits of hell

trapped in the eyes of a stranger
just woke up. feeling a tad bit lost*
havent felt so disrupted before, as in thoughts wise larh.
was just reading thru some of my friends blogs
its hell depressing some of them
and cheesy kind of light-hearted in the rest.
was quite flipped out by one of them's blog.
it was so selfish, and i dont know
just the overall feel of it left me feeling immensely negative.
nvm, who am i to judge?
i wish i could paint my thoughts out on a piece of paper
but then again, i would leave with just mere scribblings
on the paper.
feeling horrible. ayy.
should stop before i crap more. bye

feels like home
Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself in your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It Feels like home to me
It Feels like home to me
It Feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It Feels like home to me
It Feels like home to me
It Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It Feels like home to me
It Feels like home to me
It Feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It Feels like home to me
It Feels like home to me
It Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Fields Of Innocence
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
oh I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
oh why
I want to go back to
Believing in everything

studying + late nights + worrying for alot of things = damnbloodyhighfever.

my body is like on fire. arghhh can't sleep properly and my throat hurts like hell. when i called friends up they couldn't even recognise my voice. sigh* ayy feel horrible.

[gen.]:: hey i changed the colours thing for u but yr comments code has mysteriously disappeared. sorry, will try to fix it when im better :( take care :)

I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all!!!!!!!!!!

wtf. leave me alone can? sheesh. hi there's sth called personal space? haii and where's the people who's supposed to be listening? *blank stare* oh WHATEVER. nvm. shall go before i rubbish away. bye

life sure is strange.

i needed you the most. yet even though you were just metres away, i couldnt even manage a word out. how foolish. i wanted you so much to be there. and you were.

why the hell am i feeling so scared now then?

*feels like home to me.

silence speaks the loudest
like a lone speaker, my voice doesn't seem to articulate what i want to say. and the words that fall out of my mouth do not coincide with what my heart feels. the hurt is apparent. was walking back from the rgs bus stop and i had for a few moments, time to myself. time to think and carefully consider the many things that have been rushing by me so fast.

and as i just walked along, i felt so empty.

i give my all to my friends, even to people im not close to. i would go an extra mile to help them if that was necessary, even if i didnt know them well. i really dont expect anything in return cept for their happiness. seeing them happy makes me happy. but now, everything just seems to fade.

liana told me before that its okay to be selfish sometimes, for ourselves.

ive never been able to reconcile with that. ay im going round in circles again. the bottomline is simple as to how i feel. im just wondering now for these few moments, never have i felt this way for a long while.. but..

you guys promised to be there. where the fuck are you all?

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

jess and i
this was the first pic we took, haha den i asked the lady to take again cos i thot it wasnt nice hehe oops.. but its quite alright, looking at it now:)

the self-taken shot
haha this is nice.. think this looks nice! haha.. we both look tua pui hahahha:)

another shot with jess
haha this is the second and last shot we asked the lady to take! hehe.. turned out nice too!

wahahaha elated?
hahaha jess looks elated. i was actually teaching her how to press the button cos she kept fluffing it ahahaha and we thot we took the sofa.. but no! here she is... hehehe..

all smiles
to jess : hey there jess!! just thought i'll dedicate an entire entry to you today cos ur leaving on sunday! hehe.. anyway thanks so much for everything, for listening to me, for being there for me.. really thank God for you! :) all those talks, advice and encouragement.. i will remember them forever. thanks for being so special!!! take care okay? i will miss you very much! i love you jess! :)

that song was for sniffles. thanks sniffles! cheered me up when i felt so demoralised! i thank God for a best friend like you!! :) really! i love you alot alot! *hugs*

oranges rule, bananas drool! hehe

ps: its because i eat bananas when im sad.. heh and oranges when im happy. crazy.

Funny how I feel more myself with you
Than anybody else that I ever knew
I hear it in your voice,see it in your face
You've become a memory I can't erase
You could have been anyone at all
A stranger falling out of the blue
I'm so glad it was you
It wasn't in the plan,not that I could see
Suddenly a miracle came to me
Safe within your arms I can say what's true
Nothing in the world I would keep from you
You could have been anyone at all
An old friend calling out of the blue
I'm so glad it was you
Words can hurt you if you let them
People say them and forget them
Words can promise,words can lie
But your words make me feel like I can fly
You could have been anyone at all
And that's what catches me when I fall
I'm so glad it was you

good*luck to me man.

i should really shoot myself. was planning my study prog for the next few months and i realised that i have gp to add into my list. and general studies itself has 6 other papers and certain topics for this year are

- mass culture
- scientific exposition
- social culture
- industry and the arts

argh. why didnt i just stick to jc.

if you knew how lonely my life has been
and how long I've been so alone
and if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
and change my life the way you've done

feels like home* -- chantel kreviazuk

bursting with............?
just woke up from me nap. wah goodgood. haha feel so immensely rested. still got a teewee bit of the flu and sore throat. anyway had an amazing day. really, ive never had such fulfilling days for reallyreally long! firstly, i went to meet xuee at the airport to study at 12midnight and took a little detour to get her hokkien mee :p and on the way to the airport, my taxi met with an accident! it crashed into the lamp-post. ha! see! im not the only one who cycles into lamp-posts................. heh anyway so i was really quite nerved because i wasnt wearing a seat belt and i slammed into the seat in front of me, so quite painful ah. guess God was teaching me not to take simple things like seatbelts, late nights and of course my own life for granted! thank God it wasnt worst!

yeah studied quite a bit at the airport. did about three incomplete essays. haha actually i was so sleepy so i kept buying expresso shots from starbucks to keep awake. it tasted realllly bad. later the guy came and told us that actually the coffee in the expresso expires after 10seconds[its a shot..] so after tat, its bad coffee im drinking. and i had like 2 shots already? thank you very much! haha. then studied then xuee couldnt tahan so she went back home to sleep around 5.. so i lazed around and den took a bus down to church. a solid one and a half hour. but it was a good trip. the buses were empty and the morning was simply beautiful. its not much now for me to enjoy the simpler things in life, so it was really refreshing.

intended to head to church to sleep for abt an hour before service, but i dont know what in the blazers made me decide to attend the e1 morning service where all the ahgongs and ahmas and older generation ppl usually attended. but u see, we all have this great misconception that the e1 service is condemned to singing old hymns like 'be thou my vision' or 'tasteth my wine'[is there such a song?!] and it actually isnt. i could actually sing along with the songs[voila! amazing!] and i actually sat thru the entire sermon without feeling sleepy. it was about faith in spite of, not because of. will share during cell next week. amazing i tell u!

the best part came later, when i was nearly moved to tears during communion. an elderly lady of erm, not less then seventy or eighty stepped forward and eagerly thrusted her hands out to receive communion, all this while her eyes were closed and her lips tightly pursed, and she had the simplest heart of worship -- a servants heart! i was so touched by her heart that immediately i felt so ashamed of myself. God is an amazing God. the e1 service was the last place i thought i would receive anything from, but if there was one person who walked out of that service touched, it was me :)

i really apologise for the long post today! but i have so much to share abt God's goodness!

then it was off to youth service. i was so refreshed and so rejuvenated! i met gen inside and i was just telling her how words failed to express that feeling i felt during the service earlier:) really amazing. haha if u notice, the word amazing never does seem to leave my lips. amazing! the song 'making a difference' really struck me really hard. and God seemed to tell me to take up anything for we are all already called to spread the gospel and we should be asking God if we have a special calling to stay home! truly, here we should be saying, 'here i am, send me!!'

im all smiles now. thats my faithful God for you :)

i haven't caught a single wink of sleep for the past 26hours. going to sleep now. will update later. here's a nice photo of us girls :)


haha left to right : me, sarah, chloe, melissa, rachel and evelyn.

discovery camp photos

taking people for granted
don't know why i'm writing about this. i would be the first to admit to being one of them. but den again, who is blameless? today was a strange day. met zach and adrea at cityhall and den we left zach and went for lunch at suntec, den headed down to heritage view for meeting. before that, we were just sitting in church and waiting for people and i was talking to aunty li hwan[you know that zai pianist in church..] and she was asking me to serve in SES. and i havent the slightest clue as to why i chose to volunteer for the sunday 730am service. warped. anyway as i just sat there whilest justin played 'God of wonders', i felt a sudden, incredibly strange sense of loneliness. even tho there were ppl around me, i felt so... alone. and i realised that the only person i had left in the sanctuary was -- God.

and the realisation of that suddenly brought me great comfort. and i felt God telling me not to take my friends and even my family for granted. theyve all done so much for me, and theyve been so special! God also prompted me not to take my own life for granted. we wake up everyday in blissful oblivion, do we live each day like its our last? can we go to sleep contented and knowing that we've led our lives to the very best? i was just doing a simple self-evaluation last week. i wanted to see how many nights a week i could go to sleep happy and contented. and the answer was dismal and depressing. only once. there's something missing from our lives. people hardly smile nowadays, even if they do, somehow they seem to be hiding alot of hurt and pain. where's the joy we speak of so much? we share so much abt feeling the joy that comes only from God.. but its not apparent in our lives is it? it comes at strange intervals and its a really warm fuzzy feeling, but it disappears or diminishes after awhile... can we make it last?

anyway want to thank some ppl.. for just being the rocks in my life and keeping me steady and alive. its amazing what blessings theyve been :)

my bro: your consistent encouragement never fails to lift me up. thanks!

gen: thanks for everything, really. words fail to express what i really feel, but thanks really.. i love you! :)

sarah: coke*can, thanks for being you. thats the best part i like abt u :) heart you:)

winston: hey, i take ur 'words of wisdom:p' seriously.. thanks for just sticking by me and for encouraging me.. it means alot more den you may think it does to me:)

eve*: it was great to meet u again and it never fails to bring a smile to me whenever im around you. thanks for the love:)

ailing: you make me smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :D :) thanks...........!!!! :D

the boys: you guys rock man!! really, thanks for being the best brothers ever!

xy: there's always hope yes? that message really really meant alot. more then you'll know too. but thanks :) be strong kay :)

adrea: you are hilarious. fullstop. :)

liana: the prayers work wonders! thank you thank you! :)

realised i havent talked to alot of people off late. been so caught up with my own life. sigh. jess is leaving next sat. rember how we were close last yr during this time.. and now she's leaving. quite sad. :( haiii.. ive rubbished enough tonight. happysmiles* to you. :)

discovery camp was a smash.

am too smashed now to even write about the 14hour long day. the poor kids. anyway lost half of my voice again. heh not as bad as my darling cokecan* hehe. so hoarse and sexeh man! haha. joined in a little for worship prac too. worships gonna be greeat!! till then.. nites haha.

c to the o to the b-r-a. cobra cobra all the way!

to god-sis rebecca[bekx] :: helo just read yr blog. haha lecture? yeah i remember man. how old was i? erm. three years ago. i was fifteen! by good golly! anyway im so sorry? haha i dont remember what i said though. and yeah havent seen u for awhile.. we should catch up soon.. rachel and sarah mok are my really good friends heh. yup, and hows yr sis? where's she now? i think i owe her an apology too. hmmm. anyway take care :)

You sheltered me from harm.
Kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, Set me free
The finest years I ever knew
were all the years I had with you

I would give anything I own,
Give up my life, my heart, my home.
I would give everything I own,
just to have you back again.

You taught me how to love,
What its of, what its of.
You never said too much,
but still you showed the way,
and I knew from watching you.
Nobody else could ever know
the part of me that can't let go.

Is there someone you know,
you're loving them so,
but taking them all for granted.
You may lose them one day,
someone takes them away,
and they don't hear the words you long to say

bread :: everything i own

somethings relentlessly disturbing my peace of mind.

i know nothing about it and i feel so.. lost. it may sound incredibly ridiculous and somewhat random, but thats the truth. i was just walking with my family just now and i couldnt help thinking about -- nothing. as in, i can't really explain cos i don't know how to put the words correctly, but there's sth nagging at the back of my head.

anyway had lunch at sakae*wheelock place with family. sisters birthday. met xy there. said hello. ha! and den me and family watched pirates of the carribean.. nice. i really like keira knightly. ha.. going for dinner later. feeling so lost.

*lost.

morning blues
hello good morning, how do you do? woke up real early tho i slept real late last night. had only about 2hours of good rest. today's my sister's birthday.. heh happy birthday lil one. and going to spend the afternoon with family. well. really blue and tired. and my nose is constantly blocked. owell.

if there's one thing that makes my day, its you

can't believe im typing in pink. wahaha
wah eyes veh pain siah. haha anyway still got the flu, am allowed to stay home for the next few days thank God. heh anyway was packing my room and i found alota stuff, including the first draft of sarah's room i drew[remember that?] haha and all my lit notes and history notes. i have a stackfile of hedda gabler notes[good ones at that..] so anyone who's studying that book, do come get it from me! haha. also found many gifts from friends that i had kept in this nice box, and i rearranged my whole table. threw away some stuff, cleared away many. its just that weird sense of nostalgia. i remember doing all my notes for o's and nicely filing them up[which was rare for a slacker like me..] and just reading my old diaries left me remembering alot of what has past.

anyway, dug up an old treasure box, shall fumble thru it now. :)

now playing : aslyn's that's when i love you

took this from xy's blog. realllly bored now and my throats killing me now.

Name three bad habits you have:
- making plans but always cancelling or choosing alternatives. or not doing it.
- drinkk wayyyy too much coffee at one go
- my temperament? is that counted?

Name four scents you love:
- clinique's happy
- ralph* happy smell :) -- haha same same.
- freedom*tommy hilfiger
- issey miyake -- yummeh!

Name four animals you like:
- puppies. not dogs. cute ickle puppies. heh
- hamsters -- i have two!
- rabbits -- i stare at them way too much at home.
- kittens.. those that sleep in my lap :)

Name four television shows you love:
- holland village -- ditto.
- f.r.i.e.n.d.s!
- happy days -- oh bring the retro in baby!
- haha beautiful days -- a korean drama! cant believe i said it.

Name four drinks you regularly drink:
- iced lemon tea! my fav drink of all times.
- apple and aloe vera juice
- milky lipton tea
- ribena*

Name four random facts about yourself:
- i read comics in the toilet. sometimes magazines too.
- i eat only one kind of chocolate -- fudge*vanilla from marks n spencers:)
- i had an eye ulcer before. hmmm.
- i take redoxen everyday. two tablets. isit an overkill?

Name four random facts about your family:
- my mum's an mp. hmm think evryone knows that already anyway.
- my sister snores really loudly.
- my brother can be a real doofus yet a real pain sometimes. and he's 20.
- my grandfather used to think ba-qua[bbq-ed pork] was dog-meat.

Have you ever:
1. Fallen for your best friend?: kinda.
2. Made out with JUST a friend?: no comments.
3. Been rejected?: that would depend on how u see it.
4. Been in love? yes. *happy sigh* haha how bimbotic can i get.
5. Been in lust?: yeah i suppose. dont know leh.
6. Used someone?: regretfully that would be a yes.
7. Been used?: billion times. i said before i was naive and stupid.
8. Cheated on someone?: no, not really. im warped? :p
9. Been cheated on?: nope.
10. Done something you regret?: which one on the million-long-list do you want?

Who was the last person...
1. You touched?: erm.. i tickled my sister? hahaha
2. You hugged?: erm i really cant remember.. smone in church?
3. You instant messaged?: is this sms or msn? erm sarah then.
4. You kissed: ooh. my sister on her cheek hehe
5. You yelled at?: im sick larh. no voice.
6. You laughed with?: sk on the phone with my croakywoaky voice.
7. You had a crush on?: ooh this cute guy i saw at south*bridge. heh wahh dam yandao can:p
8. Who broke your heart?: well.. my friends would know who. :)

Do you...
1. Have tattoos?: eh no leh? not allowed according to bible. besides its needles! :|
2. Piercings?: one on each ear :) and i think the whole far east heard my scream.
3.Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: heheh. what do u think?
4.Floss daily?: nope.. every two three days.
5.Own a Web Cam? no..
6.Have MSN? yeah..
7. What could you be doing right now besides this survey?: studying. but i told u i cancel plans. :p
8. What are you listening to?: uncle kracker's drift away is playing in my head.
9. Can you do anything freakish with your body?: haha my friends say i have a steel stomach. dont know whats tat abt.
10. Chicken or fish?: depends. must see mood.
11. Is ice cream the best thing in the world?: duh no. its a good remedy for a bad day tho.
12. What would your dream date be?: hmmm.. has to be sth associated with the beach or with the sea. i love the sea.:)
13. Single flower or a dozen?: single. a dozen's too much for me to handle.
14. Silver, gold or platinum?: silver.
15. Candle lit dinner in a restaurant or at home?: eh depends? home-cooked food by me never gets anywhere remember?
16. Roses or wild flowers?: roses...!!!
17. Silly or serious romantic?: haha both kinds have a good effect on me :) maybe bits of both.
18. Marvin Gaye or Barry White?: marvin gaye. woot* he's a soul singer by the way. :)
19. Do you consider yourself a romantic?: haha -nods- :)
20. Who else would you like to see fill out this survey? don't really care.
21. Are you... Shy?: nahh. im dao. haha.
22. Quiet?: i can be if i want to.
23. Boring?: i can be both boring and interesting. depends on who im with rite?

In the last 24 hours have you...
1. Laughed?: of course. make that a hoarse kind of throaty laugh
2. Helped someone?: yepp:)
3. Dissected something?: no!?
4. Drank?: yes, lots of water. if u mean alcohol.. no.
5. Cut your hair?: nah.
6. Kissed someone?: yeah..my sister! told u..
7. Missed someone?: yes! :)
8. Told someone you love them?: yes i have! :)

What CD is in your CD player right now?: haw haw. its hillsongs. christian cd.

Who is your favorite Spice Girl?: victoria beckham. she's realy pretty:)

Favorite fast food?: long johns. and yoshinoya counted?

Favorite book?: an angel for may. supersuper sad:(

Favorite Sports teams? man utd! loyal supporter all the way!!!:)

Favorite song?: alotalot. but for right now, it has to be eva cassidy -- fields of gold.

Favorite songs: isnt this just a plural version of the last qn?

What room is your computer in? erm. cant say. but its a laptop.

What is your shoe size?: eh i seriously havent a clue. 4 or 5? i have small feet.

What do you want to be when you grow up?: a lawyer. or maybe a journalist. sth that allows freedom of movement. but like what xy says, judging from my study attempts now........ hey ill join her and sweep leaves. :)

i was feeling quite shite last night cos i was sick so i went to sleep early

i woke up around 2am and it was really bad cos my throat was so hoarse, my nose was blocked and i felt really hot all over. so i got up and i prayed, and asked God to help me feel better. to just help me feel... better? yeah and i slept so well last night. i woke up at 12! :D hehe. and now im feeling loads better!

amen to a faithful God!!! :)

flu, fever, the works!
ahhhh im sick! grrrrr. i absolutely hate being sick. ive got flu, fever, headaches and i cant sleep. still, i had a very contented night and day today. went to dipsy's hse last nite and we just went to sleep singing the stupid teletubbies song. wahaha super funny, and i watched a korean drama! can u believe it?? congratulations to myself. and the thing is that i actually enjoyed it. weeheehee. haha the guy was so handsome. well little girl fell asleep on me, so i left to meet the guys at basc, but was feeling really uncomfortable and sickly, so i buzzed gen to lend me some quid for an emergency doctor visit. so i went, and i felt slightly better before i headed down for dinner with adrea, sk and josco.

we climbed the railway at clementi. and i nearly died peeing in my pants cos i was so freaked out. there were no railings and it was so high and if u slipped u could fall into the canal or whatevers below you. and at the start, i fell thru some bush haha so i was freaked. but we climbed the whole way, step by step, cautiously pressing forward! haha. finally we reached the other side and we slid down the hill and just played with sparklers and candles. heh, nice nice :)

kay really am dying. haha my body is feverish.

voices singing, my voice goes dingadangdangdongdong
haha im high. just woke up from a two hours nap. nice :) really tired. my eyes are still red dunno why leh. anyway worship today was good. simplistic. yet it was evident that the Holy Spirit was moving amongst us. and an amazing coincidence, ok larh not coincidence. God-planned! haha sth that i shared with gen a few days ago was re-shared[is there such a word......?] by ailing today. and i was like whambang* haha, amazing right? it applied to me too so i was really quite blown away! God is amazing!

went for a quick lunch at thaiexpress* and we had a spice challenge! oh we lost the poor 'battle of the drunken fire noodles' challenge. it was super spicy, all of us were grabbing cups of water as sarah and chloe looked on amusingly. haha we drank so much water and ate so much rice[erm to neutralise the spice....] and we ended up being reallyreally full. den rushed down for discovery camp briefing. wahahah im in charge of cobra! weeheeehee! so funkeh man!! haha. and chlo is gonna help me so our cheer will go sth like that...........

cobra cobras ooh ah ah
cobra cobras ooh la la
cobra cobras oommpapa! oohlala! oohpaooohpaooooohpa!

wahahaha hilarious. its so retarded. time for dinner with darling! :)

strawberry smiles, ham and you! :)
was too tired to blog last night so i just randomly decided to put the lyrics of that song in. had a good day yesterday, it was eventful and well-spent. woke up real early because had to meet eve* but she postponed our appointment to 3 for a late lunch so i did some work and ran some errands in between. went to meet her at hollandvee*thaiexpress for lunch and the poor girl couldnt deal with the spicy tom yum. haha. long time no eat larh. den we were supposed to study, but then again judging from our previous attempts at studying[uh.. we ended up watching a walk to remember and other sappy shows....], we.. didnt study AGAIN! hahaha so we did crazy things again and remembered our studying adventures at kap. those were the days. o levels. haha

so we went to walk around the shopping centre to look for presents and erm eve* likes this really nice pencilcase........................ no comments. haha. anyway, then we went to cold storage and in our crazy moods we bought those chicken shavings thing.. its like ham! haha and these frozen strawberries with a creamed centre yum yum! haha we bought the stuff and went to sit below the hdb blocks and just sat there on the stage eating and playing guitar. haha was playing songs for her and teaching her how to play 'cry' haha. nice nice. then after that i went to church

worship prac was good. there was a different feel to it. but nice larh. i like. had many laughs with the band again... den went for supper with sk and adrea at macs...AGAIN! grrrr. haha. was dam filling larh. yeah had lunch today with josco, gonna slack and relac one corner now!

stars shining bright above me
night breezes seem to whisper i love you.
birds singing in the sycamore tree
dream a little dream of me.

i.. [grrrr] can't... COOK!! *throws pots and pans into the basin in anger*

maybe i should take lessons from brian when he gets back. i mean i can do the simple maggi mee and eggs.....[eh, who can't?] and the occasional attempts at baking cakes, brownies or cookies, or even my whimsical attempts to input variations into my food has failed. *gulp*

this morning cos i woke up real early, i was in an adventurous mood to cook breakfast. so with cheer and glee, i took out the frozen sausages, and i cracked some eggs. lo and behold there wasnt milk, so my eggs werent that nice, and the sausages ended up slightly burnt cos i was replying an sms. i know! ditsy brain right?? anyway i lost all appetite upon seeing the food and just snapped up the sausages and left my half-burnt cheese omelette sitting there on its own.

conclusion for the morning : i can't cook. oh woe is me.

gonna meet eve in a bit.. *skips*

i have to adopt a new attitude!

time to be HARDCORE!!!

haha, feeling encouraged. :) time to work now!

sing praise! sing praise! forever God is faithful!
i woke up this morning with these words at the tip of my tongue, and i was just mouthing these words over and over again as i lay in bed. ok im not some voodoo wack or sth, just felt the need, and the desire to Praise God! so i switched on my hi-fi and the most amazing thing was that when i clicked play, the song forever by chris tomlin was the first to play! it was from the shout to the Lord Kids CD and i was just basking in the light of His joy! what a wonderful start!

going to meet my ah beng later. heheh. gong si mi?. wahaha. anyway yesterday nite was really an experience in its own right. oh, i met winston for supper at nydc and my goodness we nearly died trying to finish the mudpie and the brownie. ok larh so its just me, i was eating so slowly cos i was totalled for the night already and my stomach was bursting........ haha anyway had a pretty good chat with him, and cos i was going to be early we drove round and round to dunno where and i was on time! wahahah.

yeah then cos it was dila's 18th birthday, met her originally at fatfrog's, but then we cabbed down to boat quay. being boatquay amateurs, we walked around aimlessly trying to search for either harry's or south*bridge. but... as i said, we were amateurs.... we got lost! haha so we walked from one end to the other and halfway thru, some ladies stopped us at the chocolate bar and coerced us into sitting in for just a while cos it was ladies night and there were drinks on the house. so being the doofus' we were, we got vodka sprites and it was realllllly strong. i thought to myself ok larh one is alright. but lo and behold, my friends muslim. haha so i had to drink it for her. ay yah i ended up having to slurp up four strong mixes of vodkasprite and bacardicoke. so we literally stumbled out haha and attempted to find south*bridge which was reallyreallyreally nice!

we just lounged there, right in the front, with cocktails in our hands and peanuts too, and we enjoyed the fine jazz! it was really awesome, the pianist was amazing, and the drummer was wayway cool man! he could sing and play at the same time, and his voice was the really soothing kind! ahhhh -melts- and it was just a really enjoyable closing to our crazy night. shall go there again. my brother apparently goes there alot too..... haha. kay gonna get ready soon. cheerios!

dookoo :: heyy babe! hope yr feeling better, or will feel better soon! take care of urself alright erm. drink more honeylemon tea! hehe and drink more barley? heh, take care and am here if u need anything! i love you! [[doopoo]]

just got back from south*bridge

a bit off now. but anyway that post below wasnt by any means forced or made to by huahui heh. its really a dam good cd.. go get it!

*grin

for all you music junkies out there
hey all, check out skritch's latest album changin' da way, out now in all good record stores. etc hmv, tower records cdrama sembawang and blahblah! if you want good acapella music, this album has to be one of those 'must-gets'. our very own church dudes huahui and bryan are in this band, and liechuan, a former sjsm-er, is also part of this multi-talented band! so get your copy now! here's their cover for you. songs include a stellar remix of jaychou's jian-dan-ai, self-composed melodies and hiphop numbers that will guarantee you an enjoyable listen. get urs today!

i cant get to sleep.

its 3am in the morning now and i am everything but okay. a numbed mess.

my heart hurts, so badly. its not the quarrel anymore. its you.

never felt so confused before. usually these kinda decisions are fast for me to make, never to be deliberated upon, never for me to ponder so much about it, yet now i am nothing but a helpless wreck, and im broken. i keep falling and falling, deeper and deeper

yr supposed to catch me. but.. *where are you when i need u near?

one last breath
"hold me now, i'm six feet from the edge and i'm thinking, maybe six feet aint too far down"

dont worry, am not suicidal or anything. just really upset by this quarrel. anyway feeling quite down. had quite a devastating conversation with sarah just now at her house. i think i just blabbered on what i really felt and i think it was a bit nonsensical. but owell. feeling quite down now. seems like everyone's stuck in this pie-hole that refuses to let them out.

feel like eating. cheers.

*i love you too much.
had a stuffing good time with me pals. :)
so tired now. hmmm

jazz + coffee + just-had-a-bath + happy thoughts = :)