whats it like to feel empty? empty in ur stomach. to have that sick gut feeling where by anything that goes in would just throw itself up oh so willingly. to have ur insides churning like a great ball of indigested mess, to have urself feeling like shit. to feel wretched, to feel so looked down upon. to have people tell u repeatedly that u don't treasure ur life enough? with repeated condemnation and involuntary judgement on urself. sick. it'll make u feel so sick. so unworthy, so useless, so powerless, so..inadequate.

i had a minor eating disorder before. it was when being socially accepted was so darn important to me. actually subconsciously it still hits me once in awhile, but at that point of time i would stuff myself silly and then head to the toilet like it was a daily chore. a routine that i had to follow to keep up my 22inch waist. now its 25 by the way. haha. anyway my weight fluctuated from 32 to about 36, and for my 1.5 frame, it was VERY little! so yes i do know what its like to have that warm sour vomit racing up my oesophagus and out of my mouth. horrible. involuntary and very messy.

ok, change of subject please. its quite gruesome. i try too hard to sound cheem. haha im not. my english sucks to the core! wel, its been a strange week. alot of changes has left me feeling even more confused, but im happy. and thats all that matters. being happy. i wake up oblivious to the world's defects, with a smile on my face. i couldnt ask for more. im a blessed girl. a very blessed girl. :)