the third wheel

u know i didn't realise how depressive i can get? i mean of course i knew i could get hell depressive but i didnt know it was like severe? well i've always thought of myself as a strong, independent individual. someone who worked hard for some reason, someone who worked towards a motivated goal. so when i realise that i am too dependent on people's judgement and of cos people in general, i feel like my well-built fence around me is caving in slowly. and that sucks because i always thought that i was a fortress in my own right, and basically, a strong optimist.

well, so i'm wrong. and to be honest i hate to be wrong. i can't exactly put to mind what makes me hate being wrong or what makes me desire being right, but i really jsut hate it. and i hate being so emtionally brought down. i mean im used to people depending on me for advice and all, i still am now, but usually a good counsellor needs to be strong herself in order to give sound advice yes? yes. and maybe just maybe im not too stable myself, even though that little voice in me would immediately rise up to defend myself against that truth. ive been too dependent on people, on myself and on people's words. when will i ever learn to be dependent on God?

when will i truly feel justified?