so this pushes me to ask myself "what deters me from being humble?"

and i get this sick gut feeling in my stomach as i struggle to find that answer. of cos pointedly i know what the answer is, but if u ask me to pin-point my exact faults and defects, i would find it extremely difficult. maybe its because i refuse to realise my own struggle with pride. and it becomes a deterring factor in my association with non-christians, becos i fail to be that beacon of light that God shines through to others. and dat prompts me to ask myself again

"what right do i have to preach about humility and pride when i indubitably struggle with it the most"

and i was searching, searching for the right answers, the correct solutions, the dummies-guide-to-humility and i could only find my answer in God. He clearly states that we are "justified by God's grace, therefore we can stand firm" and have the right to preach about these topics. we often worry ourselves silly about what people will think about our struggles and fear what they may conclude about your character through these faults.

just a few weeks ago the cell word was on the topic of honouring your father and mother, and personally that was extremely difficult for me. not to mention onerous and wearisome. i cannot, absolutely cannot follow that commandment. if u know me well enough, in situations like mine, u will clealy understand why. but i have failed to be the filial daughter. i argue with them, i yell back at them, i do things to spite them and a few years back i actually ran away from home! what a painful and horrifying experience that still grips sorely at my conscience and at my heart. the memory of it already makes me shiver in despondency. so when i was asked to lead in cell word that very sunday, i knew in my heart that i was not only the worst possible candidate for this week's sharing, i was also unworthy to even talk about it. because that was something that hit home and i couldn't manage my feelings.

i sat at the computer many nights in a row, determined to just "get through with it" and later relinquish the importance of it all. but for that many nites, i couldn't do it. finally on saturday nite, i sat down went through the bible study material(which by the way is so structured that theres not much need for preparation) and i just prayed for God to set me free. trials and tribulations He has given me, i sought after Him only when i was at my most desperate moment. and i prayed for releasing. to release me from this burden of guilt, filial piety and obligation that i felt so dearly in my heart for. and voila! i did it. i managed to do it.

i was messaging gen that night and she told me that she too couldn't do this topic very well because she personally didnt find herself worthy. its not about being worthy anymore, so what if we are, so what if we aren't? God's perfect grace has justified us to be able to stand firm and to tell one another that we are not standing there preaching/worship leading etc by our own strengths, but by the grace in which He sets us free.