ok i feel better today. presumably its becos of the festivities that would happen tonight.. the closing of a chapter in my book of life and the opening of a new one. its the last day of 2002.. its somewhat strange how time goes by so fast..it seemed like only yesterday when i was walking to rg..or when i had my first three months in ac..and a whole string of events that followed. the daily go-abouts of our constantly mundane world.. its really strange that we've gotten thru a year of that and another yr of that is coming up.. its not pessimism..seriously im looking forward to the new yr where surely i would meet new challenges, new people, new friends, and of cos new and smwhat dangerous obstacles.

its a tough yr, especially for those my age..the a levels.. the school stress, the different relationships or whatever.. we'll be meeting these new challenges, but hey lets face this all together yeah? and of cos with the ever-supportive stronghold God has in my life.. i will remain zealous in my seeking after Him.. that will be my resolution.. that no matter how hard things get, no matter how difficult.. i will remain steadfast in all i do. and that i will seek after God whole-heartedly, and continue to be there for my friends 24/7. tiring as it may be.. i know God has a purpose for me..and maybe being there for frens is one of them.. living a purpose-filled life is so refreshing from the days where i dont even remember where my bible was :s

there are some ppl out there that ive been constantly trying to haha establish a connection! but cannot leh.. nothing seems to be going thru.. and i get so tired after smtime.. but i wont give up!!! cos God din give up on me! so here i came to save the dayyyyy hahaha ya right beks.. haha...i thinj if u sleep at 4am and wake up around 8.. u'll be like me.. a bit seh.. haha kk..happy new yr everyone! :)

one thing i want to do always

one thing i want to do always
is bring glory to Your name
to raise my hands
and let You search me
to know You so much more

one thing i will believe in always
is the promise that You hold
to know the truth
of Your great story
to know You so much more

Jesus, I want to know You more
For joy and mercy, in You I have found
there's no other Name
who will be
Enthroned high above
oh Lord I want to glorify You
oh Lord i want to know You more
oh Lord take me deeper
into Your presence

bridge

no other Name
will be praised high above
Jesus will reign
His glory and His love

wah..tired. im sitting here stoning and am prepared to go back soon to my ap/gp and trigo..wa!! really cannot get much in.. its like i understand the concepts..memorised the formulas..but dunno how to do the questions.. i just do halfway den dunno..frustrating u kno? i mean i dont normally like doing things halfway..but now i feel like giving up! its oh-so-irritating. here i am trying my best to complete two things at one go and evrything has to screw up

i know its easy for me to say trust God 100%.. but its so hard to do! mentally ive already prepared myself..the constant chanting of i can do its and the daily reading of the bible and all.. im mentally equipped. but my brain is dying from the sudden load of info again..and im so physically exhausted.. cos of that thing and other stuff..makes me so lethargic.. come on beks!!!! u cna do it..dont give up.. dont let ur parents down..dont let God down..dont let daniel down..dont let urself down.. dont let everyone down..show dem u can..and that u are not just 'all talk, no action' im gonna get my a's right, i dont care, even if its the last thing i have to do. i'll get it right..

let me do sth right for once.

today is my sit-down-and-start-on-the-mountains-of-assignments day. haha but i have to go down to the computer shop later to get my mic..for my recording thingy..yup and i have so many things to do! but thot that i'll come and check my mail first..haha..i've been feeling quite good recently..happy actually. being able to impact the lives of my kids have been wonderful and i just want them to grow even more spiritual in their relationship with God

they've taught me much u kno..from small things to sth life-changing, its been so awesome and i know our frenship will grow till we grow old! haha.. anyway i heard from my ex-colleagues that they finally finished shooting the police show i was helping out with..den guess wad? i actually got a christmas card from them :S weird huh.. ok im becoming incoherent, shall write again when im more...sensible? :)

Take me as I am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here I stand, stand before you now
Deep inside I always knew
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step I take forever more

Chorus:
Just say you'll love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and I don't want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own


Take me as I am
Put your heart in mine, stay with me forever
'Cause I am just a man who never understood
I never had a thing to prove
Till there was you
You and me
Then it all came clear so suddenly
How close to you that I wanna be

Chorus

Do you believe a love could run so strong?
Do you believe a love could pass you by?
There was no special one for me
I was the lovely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you're all that I know

yupp but today was a really fun day. worship and prayer was fantastic, before we had core team meeting for our cluster.. den we(the kids and i and renita), we travelled all the way to pasir ris to go escape themepark and met uncle kwokmun and aunty wenna with of cos the ever cute caleb and zachary..yeah..den we realised it was so crowded, so i passed my complimentary tickets to uncle km..yup.den we went to burger king where we ate and dressed renita in mayo and put chilli in her drink..she dropped chilli on my hair.. phooey.

yeah anyway den we went bowling..my goodness i bowled a 113.. quite alrite lah.. den as we finished we quickly ran to bowl like the last frame, so i took a 13pound ball and threw the ball..along i went with it and i fell on the lane. so paiseh can. ahah but cannot beat sk..on the way to pasir ris in the mrt..josco pulled his pants down! haha it was so funny..poor sk :p yupp..but overall i had a great day and now im just tired..haha and also.. on tuesday nite gonna sing camp song in front of everybody! wahahah so paiseh. have to ask God for confidence :)

ive been really encouraged by the way God has been working in my life the past week or so.. things that were so difficult and things that i couldnt handle my own.. i thank God for His ever-present help and for standing by me.. i had a great birthday, complete with a great cluster christmas party and i thank God for moving so greatly in our cluster! today daph and hazel came to church! amen!

there's something about u that i like very much
there's something about u that fills my heart :)

there's a song thats inside of my soul
its the one that i've tried to write over and over again
im awake in the infinite cold
will u sing to me over and over and over again

::
so i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands and pray
to be only Yours i pray
to be only Yours i know now
You're my only hope

i give You my destiny
i'm giving You all of me
i want Your symphony
singing in all that i am
at the top of my lungs
i'm giving it back

::only hope::

whoa ive been having it rough over here. so many things have happened in just three short days. it started so well with the helicopter ride and all it was really a great experience.. den it all fell apart and now im left..broken. and its just two days short of returning home.. little by little i try to pick up the pieces smeared with deceit and fear and i cant.

i turn to God, my eternal source of comfort and my pillar of strength..yet i still crumble.. my every step is laced with heavy burdens and weariness.. i cant continue anymore.. it just becomes too tiring.

oh someone help me please..sighh.. hope to be back soon

i miss you. so much.. sigh.. shuldnt sound so love-sick hahha.. but its like when i see really nice things like the beautiful beaches and the sun-soaked sand, it makes me wish that u were there right by my side and seeing it all with me

"Will u still love me for the rest of ur life"

sunny hawaii :) aloha everyone!! :)

grin

its so nice to be so relaxed and happy

hello hello hahaha im now in japan stopping over for 4hrs before i fly another 6plus hours to honolulu hehe, so am pretty bored now. ate like 3 sandwiches hehe and unfortunately for me, my flight wasnt delayed so i couldnt come to church. but owell, its good to take sone time off to myself and to sort out my thoughts yeah? heh was just sleeping all the way on the previous flight becos i came home super late last nite and was rather tipsy.

cos i went to meet junwen at holland v around 9plus? had coffee at gloria jeans before moving on to wala-wala. it started with one glass of vodka lime, den i had a browncow..den junwen ordered a jug of vodka lime. so gone lor. haha hadnt had alcohol for a very long time, and certainly having it with a good fren while talking rubbish was very refreshing heh. but yup not gonna drink for awhile, maybe christmas eve heh.

so here i am in japan and i am quite happy to say that im enjoying myself. praise God always cos He's been a good God and He has blessed me with so many things.. hopefully in some special weird way i can be able to learn nore abt Him during this trip. camp was awesome and i'm still excited from head to toe abt the experience i had. truly amazing and it just feels so wonderful to be so close to Him. todays quiet time material was about accepting myself for who i am and as a child of God. so okae shall learn more. will write again if i can :)

i'm going to hawaii tmrw morning, but it feels like i'm leaving my heart behind. i know its only for a week or two, but i really want to be there at church tmrw morning, and worship with the church, with all my frens, yet i can't. smtimes when u want to earnestly seek God, the timing goes all wrong. i've been thinking alot the whole of yesterday nite and this morning and i know what i want in life already. im not gonna deliberate any further, im gonna make my choices and i know that God will support me no matter the difficulties.

suddenly after camp im in that dreamy starry-eyed phase, where all i think about is my life and myself. its been too much abt others so much that i havent had time to think thru myself abt my own problems. liana told me before that smtimes its alrite to be selfish for awhile. maybe i really need this time alone, away from my frens and him. to think thru whats impt to me and that in whatever i do, i will honour God with all my heart. its hard, but i'll survive. hopefully things will be more clearer and i will be more firm in what i want to do. which includes the way i behave, to be more forceful with the things i want to put across and to throw away that meekness.

till den, goodbye, tkcare all and i'll try to come back asap! love u all! :)

i was just thinking, u know one of those times where u happen to be sitting in front of ur com, logged on to the blogger server and listening to a sappy song, and suddenly u just feel like expressing urself, and ur thoughts just spill endlessly into pages and pages of memories? this is THAT time. i'm feeling so thoughtful now, i mean in a thinking mood la..and im thinking of him.

A picture just fills my mind, where we are strolling on a beach, holding hands and whispering sweet nothings to each other and leaving our set of footprints on the sand. den the picture changes to one where we are praying together and we have that same enduring passion for God, where we are fervently seeking Him and believing in His promises. these are all just fragments of my dreams, a far path from reality. We are just not meant to be, we are just meant to love each other as friends, as soulmates and thats all. no one knows how cracking it is to feel so near yet so far. but im not particularly upset now. i allowed him to distract me and it interfered with my worship to God, it allowed me to be so torn and confused, but u see, i cant tell him all these becos my already broken heart would be left in tinier bits and pieces.

"On the day that u were born, the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true, so they sprinkled moondust in ur hair of gold and starlight in ur eyes of blue"

i have to let go
its time to let u go
its time to say our goodbyes
our tears and our hearts
will still be held captive
by the power of friendship
im leaving u to urself
with whatever choice u make
i just want u to be happy
adieu to the man behind the curtain in red :)

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wahahah i have blue eyes! heh have meh? no leh.. ay dunno heh

"Jesus, I want to know You more
For joy and mercy in You I have found
There's no other name, who will be
Enthroned high above
Lord I want to glorify You
Oh Lord I want to know You more
Oh Lord take me deeper, into Your presence"

amen :)

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yay im big bird :) but..but..im not always six! and im not tall :( hehe

amazing. thats one word out of many many words that can be used to sum up this year's church camp held in desaru. An experience to die for, not just because of the exciting and messy games, or the 2star accomodation that had light bulbs exploding every two hours, or the mass dance that included the interestingly named 'slice' move. What inspired the most refreshing change in me, was the way God worked in this camp. He was omni-present, and becos our focus was solely about seeking God and wanting to know Him deeper, He filled the camp with His presence and He was the best 'camper' for camp2002.

The first day was incredible, we boarded the coach for desaru and ended up sleeping most of the 3hr bus journey and den when we reached and checked in, we started the banner painting. wahahah i was in vermillion, and we had to create an alliteration out of that so we called ourselves the 'vermillion vodkas' and extremely apt name for my group which had the likes of steven crunch, hsia ling and josco. haha what was supposed to be an artistic work of talent turned out to b a messy banner. but owell. winning didnt matter at all to us, we just wanted to have fun and we just wanted to honour God.

Shan't go on abt the day's events or other days.. but God taught me many lessons. the first lesson was humility, a lesson i learnt everyday, and a lesson i'll be learning abt a lifetime. becos there were a few people who were difficult to work with in my group, i had to curb my temper and make sure i didnt lose my cool in the heat of the day becos it was church camp, and it did. i really swallowed my pride down and just did my utmost to be humble. my second lesson for the camp was patience. becos of 'that thing', it could have made camp very unpleasant, and i blamed God for not being fair. yet i did not have the faith to believe, and neither did i have the patience. these lessons are only a few of the major lessons we learnt, and for me, all i know is that camp this year was awesome, simply awesome. there are some people i want to thank for making camp bearable and so much more enjoyable.

::gen:: there are so many things i have to thank u for, and uve helped mould me to be the way i am now. u prob wont know the impact u have made on my life just by being there, but i wanto thank u for being who u are. u've done a great job for camp dear and i just wanto say that im glad to have had u there with me for this camp :)

::ailing, hsia ling:: you guys have been great, encouraging me and guiding me along my spiritual work, this camp was definitely special with the two of u around.

::the kids:: hey u guys! -hugs- u guys are the best, uve made this camp so easy for me, rachel u are so funny just dont shoot noodles outta yer nose again! hehe, zac! i dont like u! i never wanto play dog and bone with u again :p SK! u ah.. "oh my goodness" and ur "yoohoos" haha, josco kin chung! u ah so horrible to yer buddybuddyfrenfren. hehe, renita! i know ure not a kid..but ur so fun to tease and next time we'll throw u more den just 4 times into the pool, camp comm or not hahah thanks so much for being there guys, u were amazing and i love you all!

::camp commitee:: i know how hard u guys worked and im so glad it turned out to be such a beautiful camp, the games and all, eveyrthing was so organised and i loved the mass dance alot...especially the slice! haha :) u guys were great and i take my hat off to u guys :)

::steven:: u kuku haha thanks for being in my group and being the way u are. u are so determined and the skit turned out quite well, and its all thanks to u..yup.. i know this camp has touched my life in many ways :)

alrite adios amigoes, im really tired, will share again soon :)

yay i am feeling so much better, not so sick anymore. yup am so excited cos there's camp tomorrow and its gonna be great, i can just feel it. and I know God's gonna do many amazing things. Now now, i haven't even packed yet, but it's ok, friends know me as the 'rushed' packer. meaning that either the night before, or the day itself, my house would be an absolute mad rush..for me that is. i'll be rushing and finding things and getting all panicky, which makes me ask myself.. why don't i just pack earlier?

because.. i am such a blur person, i will pack all the necessary stuff and den on the day itself, forget to bring my passport or sth. grrr.:p thats why. oh and i'm bringing my guitar! so we can gather around for some musical interlada. wahahah no lah, but its because im not used to the church guitar so if i need to sing the camp song again, i'll use my own guitar.

speaking abt the camp song.. i went on stage yesterday to sing the camp song. ok so i was sick, but thank God i didnt really zao xia.. it was alrite and ppl said it was nice. so thats alrite. anyway its God's song, so its not abt me anymore, its just my song of worship to Him.. as simple as that. I went on stage meaning evry word i sang and every tune i played on my guitar. hopefully we will use it again during camp.

camp will be awesome! see ya on friday! :)

amidst all the glitz, glamour and starry-eyed celebrities, the star awards actually sucked quite bad. it wasn't the dress sense, actually the clothes this yr were pretty alrite.. it was more of how the whole ceremony was carried out. the perpetual appearence of jack neo, the horrendous attempts at cracking stage jokes, and many more flaws. but the beauty of it all is that people actually enjoyed demselves, and it was only after the show, like now..when they did the simple evaluation. i was one of them

the only part i found enjoyable was after the show when i went to look for all the stars i had worked with and all the crew ppl i met during my attachment. and took pictures! wahahah these stars(except a few) are really not jerks/jackasses and all u know..they are really quite nice. and ming shun said to my mum dat i was 'guai' hahaha yup my work tho it was sucky and tiring, there was one njoyable part, meeting these new 'frens' and knowing dem for who they really are..and im happy to have had the experience :)

ok, it took me about 5 usernames before i finally remembered which username i used for blogger. anyway

i am sitting in the office. its a friday, its a holiday, its supposed to be 'free' day. but no.. i had to grovel since 6 this morning and den when i finished at ard 12 i thot yay! thats it. but no..after i rushed down to meet renita and den rushed down to church where i saw gen and company, my boss says that i have to come back down immediately to sign some wardrobe/extras form. so of cos i was angry becos i had to take a cab down to church before and now i had to take a cab back to where i started?

talk abt spastic. so now i am waiting for the wardrobe guy and my boss who by the way is out for a extended lunch break and sitting at a table, dont even know who's table it is. just saw the internet on. there's like three other people here, goodness of cos the rest are having their break, i deserve mine too. but i will be here till abt 5 if i'm lucky den i have to go for worship prac. but my parents want me to go for high tea with them, so i dont really have a choice. i really wanna go home and change first or sth. i'm happy but just a little irritated by their inefficiency. well well.. smile! beks! smile!

haha go find some biscuits maybe. haha oh-oh i think the person is back..!! haha seeeya

oh yeah.. to all my friends too..including gen haha :) see yer name's mentioned too, thank u also for being there for me, my supportive shoulder :)

wallo-wallo-walllloooo :s my voice is so deep that it sounds like a transvestite. all becos of the stupid flu and sore throat. but owell i'm happy that i can stay at home today, away from work. not bad. sick already got two days m.c on my last week of work. but the truth is, i do feel terrible lah, sniffing so much.. :( yeah but well, i have online work to do, assignments to complete and so little time!! that would be four days to my due date of handing up my war assignment. blehs. so its alrite, i'll try to complete as much of it today.

but other den that i have been quite happy cos i spent most of yesterday(and prob today) at home resting and drinking alot of waterr :) but its been good cos after such a tedious month of working like mad, non-stop and wee-hours, its abt time i took some rest. its not runnin away from work or what, think God really wants me to rest and spend some quality time with Him. i saw how the camp comm is bonding so much better and thats great cos camp will be great..i can just feel it. I'm just awaiting all the amazing things He's gonna do during camp.

My spiritual life has been quite alrite, been reading alot of Lucado's books in my spare time(when im waiting for dem to film and blahblah) so it tells me abt how not to lift others burdens, and to also put my own baggage down. furthermore im now busy with the christmas play and all so its good to be busy for God. my emotions fluctuate alot less now, less temporal highs, more of lasting satisfaction when i get sth done, so i have been quite happy. tho many things have already happened this week, horrible things.. i'm getting by with God's strength, thankfully. but also thank God for friends who make life seem a little more hopeful and a little less bleak :)

:) im a number two..so is gen. but...but..whats a number2?? heh anyway im a tequila sunrise, i like. so lasting the taste. and ohwell makes me sound un-interesting. well nah.. im actually just sick now..so never go work but ill go tmrw..bah..haha and got christmas rehearsal..but ya i dont feel well and even with my favourite food under my nose i cant take more then a few bites.. no appetite. tht is really sad. now i know wht gen means by dying cold, sick and hungryy :(

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"Let Your face shine on us, that the world may see You reign
All the Heavens shout Your praise, Beautiful is our God
the universe will sing, Hallelujah to You our King"

i have to trust, i have to believe.
it will turn out well. faith keeps my heart going strong
be strong beks!