Im quite sure ive found myself. Found somewhere I belong. Cliché as it may sound, its true. Today in experiencing one of the most turbulent days in my entire life, ive found out, much to my dismay, how surprisingly easy it is for my emotions to fluctuate at such a great pace, even tho I darent ask for its tumultous flow ever again. Literally coming to the realisation of each character in xi nu ai le(joy, anger, agony and happiness), it has been a really testing yet eventful day.

joy. Maybe speaking abt something happy would prevent my depressive mood from surfacing so evidently, and maybe, just maybe.. let my heart rejoice with temporal glee. Today’s easter service was a bash, and our performances went well, some better then I expected. And there was such derilment in serving God, in glorifying Him. For one, it wasn’t about going up the stage as performers, but rather as testimonies. it was not abt going up as a singer, a dancer or an actor, but more of an empty vessel just waiting for God to use so powerfully. I don’t know if I made any personal impact on anyone, it doesn’t really matter to me if I did or did not, but I’m truly grateful for the way God’s omnipresence filled heartbeat. today also brings me the greatest joy in my heart in seeing one of my bestest friends going up for altar call. It has been my fervent prayer for almost 2years that her numbness to God’s love would be appropriately dissolved. And amen to that! Altho I must admit that I sorta gave up awhile ago, I found the strength again to hope again in the Lord for His miracle. And He gave what He promised. I swear I would have cried there and then if not for the solemn serenity present in the room. I felt joy pouring so freely into my heart and felt like something missing in my life and hers was finally filled. All thanks to God’s grace. For this I’m truly grateful.

anger. This requires careful consideration as to what I should say for fear of saying the wrong things. In accordance with my joy, something inside me snapped so sharply that I couldn’t take the recoil of my own outburst. What really happened only two of us will know, but till now I find it hard to forgive you and myself. Throw everything away. what really meant the world to me was smothered out like a dying flame. And hard as I may have tried to light it again, I couldn’t. give me time to figure myself out.

sorrow.i probably cried more then i ever did in many years. it was like something in me just couldnt withstand the emotional burdens i was carrying. im one who hates admitting to crying but i must say it was a good cry and i think ive numbed myself temporarily. Yet out of this all, much to my incredulous realisation, I realise I have been running away from many things. Things that easily escape the naked eye. Things that people never knew I went through. Ive told myself that I will not drive pity into myself, but I will inject a certain resilience to it all. Ive come to realise that I must stop running. Its quite duh and in-my-face but ive refused to face up to my incessant denial towards the harsh reality. I need time to recover. To rest for maybe a few days and actually think beks, what do you want out of life?

till then, leave me to my quiet solitude.