hard as i may try, it never seems enough. sometimes i feel so misunderstood. its like i put in my all in everything i do. be it church commitments, school responsibilities or relationship concerns, i give my all. and what do i get in return? exhaustion. and i get misunderstood for not trying hard enough. there are limitations to the human body and maybe mine wasnt built to withstand such emtional turbulence. i really want to be successful in what i do, to be committed to what ive put myself forward for. and when i fall short of not only my own expectations, judgement and condemnation fills in. and while my pride takes a backseat to my indiscretion, i stand firm wherever i am, and return home feeling like i've just been shot down from the highest building in the history of mankind and i fall, and fall, deeper into the darkness or this merciless outcry i throw myself into and like the staircase depicted in charles dickens' hard times, i fall into a bottomless pit and i never see what's below me. neither do i ever get to see the sunrise again because my life has fallen beyond compensation and i keep reaching for solid ground and sadly, i can never feel it.

on a brighter note, bonding with the kids has been an exhilerating experience. the kind that makes me feel like there's a purpose in life im actually working for. and that means a whole lot to me. sometimes i wish more people will understand where im coming from and not leave me hanging as to whether whatever im working towards for is just a translucent shield im looking through. i will get through this, be it with great difficulty or with gentle ease,and hopefully, yeah hopefully ill be fine.