i hate to learn
ive never really enjoyed learning. ive managed to successfully weave myself out of tiresome scenarios countless of times. both physical and mental situations of course. but in due time, i learn things the hard way, and i fall so hard i struggle to pick myself up each time it happens. well, today ive learnt one of the greater lessons in life, and one of the hardest for myself. it caused me to actually break down in tears publicly for the first time in a very long time, and it was because i felt so suffocated.

i could walk through the doors of church, sit through the entire sermon, even smile a little when ringo was handing out the new roster for the worship team, yet my entire being was breaking with every withstanding minute. i walked out to the "mingling" area and smiled at many people, even braving my own hurts with small laughs and with that same moronic optimism that i seem to have all the time. then it came to the crux of the matter... i was actually already tearing and angie told me to be stronger and get through this. and i did. but when gen sat down next to me and asked why i was sulky, it was just free flow man! i felt slightly embarrassed, yet i felt the full release of all my pent up frustration. gen made sure ill be okay and yay she gave me caramel choc! but yeah didnt really tell her why i was upset. a little difficult to tell i suppose.

well. *sigh* my heart is heavy, and its time to let go. ill try. i promise.